April 11, 2007
by Rod Smith
When your child (13 to 15) becomes involved in his/her first romantic attachment, with a person of similar age, please remember:
1. The experience is authentic for your child, and, while you might consider it “puppy love” the relationship ought to be given due respect.
2. If you trivialize his or her experience by your words or your deeds (make jokes about it) your child will probably go into hiding about what he or she is experiencing. This will put you “out of the loop” completely.
3. Embrace your child’s romantic interests, and be willing to talk about them to the degree to which your child seems willing to talk.
4. It is quite common for a child to become very focused on the whereabouts and activities of the person of his or her romantic interest. If you allow no contact (by phone or Email) you are likely to drive the relationship underground, and therefore be teaching your child to conduct a most important part of his or her life in secret.
Evaluate your resistance to your son or daughter falling in love:
What is it that you fear?
Are your fears related to your own experience as a younger person?
Is your response reasonable or loaded with your own unresolved baggage?
Posted in Adolescence, Attraction, High maintenance relationships, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Teenagers, Voice, Young Love |
2 Comments »
April 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My parents were very happily married and did everything together. My mom and dad would never go anywhere without the other. I know times have changed and every marriage is unique and I know my husband is not the same as my father, but he (my husband) thinks nothing of planning short golf trips with his friends at least three times a year. He usually encourages me to do some kind of similar trip with my friends. Apart from his involvement in sport, which takes up so much time, I think we are very happy. Please comment.” (Letter edited)
I’d suggest you offer your husband all the support possible in order that he may freely pursue his golf and his friends. Find an absorbing interest of your own so that when he is away and playing golf, you do not place your life on hold.
The greater your genuine ease with your husband’s interests, the less likely it is that these interests will be a point of stress for each of you in your marriage. I should think that a golf course would be a very attractive sanctuary of peace and tranquility if it also must become a necessary escape from a difficult spouse!
Posted in Attraction, Communication, Forgiveness, Victims |
1 Comment »
April 4, 2007
by Rod Smith
My son (40) is dating a woman of another race group and this is upsetting many members of our family. I have not talked with him about this but I know he knows how I feel. If he marries her this will be his third marriage and he has children from two other women who he divorced. I do not know how to react to this woman and I am sure her family are as suspect of the relationship as we are. Please help. (Letter edited)
Your son is 40! He is already twice married. Surely you have seen that he is making his own way in life and that your affirmation of his choices is probably not too important to him. That his new love interest is a woman of “another race group” ought to be the last of your concerns. I am sure her family are concerned about the man their daughter is marrying, but it is probably not about his race. Their concern probably related to his track-record regarding intimate relationships.
That said, I know many men and woman who have found profound happiness after several former marriages. Embrace this woman. Get over your issues about race and give his new love interest all the support and welcome you can muster.
Posted in Marriage |
7 Comments »
April 4, 2007
by Rod Smith
For the past nine years I have been having specific dreams. The dreams are often about my school days, going late for exams, sitting for wrong papers, missing exams totally, field trips / excursions, fights, simple things like that. The dreams are about me and my relationships. I was always studious, well mannered and a nice friendly person easy to get on with people, but these dreams shows a different side of me I felt that I should get into contact with my friends / class mates Searching to find a reason, and for the dreams to stop but they just get worse. They are starting to get more serious and intense, waking up feeling disorientated and scared. The last one, I got up one morning dressed as if it were a normal day arrived at school, people staring my friends running away from me, saying that I was dead and even showed a memorial plaque everything was as clear as day. Is this something I should just ignore hope that one day they will just stop or seek some kind of help? (Letter unedited)
Thanks for writing. There are many persons who consider themselves experts in the analysis of dreams – and I am not one of them! I have published your letter in the hopes that a reader who is such an expert will be able to steer us in a helpful direction regarding your uncomfortable and recurring dreams.
Posted in Uncategorized |
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April 2, 2007
by Rod Smith
A few thoughts on dealing with inappropriate or threatening behavior like shouting, swearing, pushing, restricting movement, drunkenness, withholding keys, wallet, or personal items from someone, who will also then will claim, usually within a very short time, to love you:
1. If your most intimate relationship has degenerated to any one of the mentioned behaviors, ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you really want. Is this how you want to spend your most intimate emotional energy?
2. Remind yourself that relationship pathology (unwanted and unhealthy patterns) will not subside or decline without some radical shift within the dynamic of one of the participants. On the contrary, without some change, unwanted behaviors will only grow. It takes ONE person to shift (usually the victim) before some change occurs.
3. Remember that the perpetrator usually of does not want to be exposed for the behavior, and somehow will achieve the remarkable position where the victim (or victims) somehow agrees to maintaining the secret. Victims, if any change can occur, must find the courage to let someone from the “outside” in on the secret of what is really occurring, in order to get the help required to get out of such a position. Remember victims distort reality as much as perpetrators. This is the reason “outsiders” can see what you might fail to see.
4. Try to resist using reason with the perpetrator of such behavior – you will not, using reason, convince a perpetrator to stop abusive behavior. The only way to stop it is to radically shift your response to it. While you cooperate with what you do not want the behavior will not cease.
Posted in Anxiety, Betrayal, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Manipulation, Reactivity, Recovery, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice |
19 Comments »
April 1, 2007
by Rod Smith
Last week my in-laws were visiting us and expressed disapproval about how my husband was handling our thirteen-year-old son. They did not take the time to hear the full story behind out mutual decision to discontinue our son’s enjoyment of some privileges. My husband felt very down and he has brought it up several times in the week. Should I talk to his mother about this? We are very close. It was so unusual for his parents to interfere and take sides. It made my husband look like we were much more strict than we really are and my son now feels he’s got his grandparents on his side. My husband did not cave into the pressure he felt. Please comment. (Letter edited)
Rod’s response: I’d suggest you let this event pass without further reference. If anyone wants to bring it up suggest your husband do it face-to-face, and alone, with his parents. By your own admission, this was out of character for your in-laws. It seems your son might have the sense of having his grandparents on his side (which is hardly a bad idea) while still being firmly aware that it is his parents who hold the final say on the important matters pertaining to his life.
Posted in Family, In-laws |
1 Comment »
March 29, 2007
by Rod Smith
My husband of 20 years is an alcoholic. He gets abusive when he is drunk and cannot have his way with me. I moved out 3 months ago. I asked him to give up drinking and seek help, which he says he will do. He blames me for the problem and accused me of making the children (12 and 18) uncomfortable due to them having to live between two homes. When he is sober I tend to feel sorry for him. He has never been abusive when sober. He claims if I come back he will give it up or control his drinking and cannot do it without us.
Kind, strong, pointed - daily
that has resulted in your deciding to move out. If your children are uncomfortable with having to live between two homes is it his drinking that has necessitated the move. (I will point out that most children are quite relieved to be out of homes where the abuse of alcohol and all it often entails must be endured).
Don’t fall for his blame game – you are not the drunk. If you want the marriage, reconsider moving back after he has had at least a full year of total sobriety through the consistent help of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Posted in Anger |
13 Comments »
March 27, 2007
by Rod Smith
Have you noticed the gods of possession, pride, and power, are at war within you? Possessions demand our committed allegiance. Pride calls on us to inflate our own importance. Power, and the desire to rule over others, or to be better, stronger, or louder, asserts itself within some hidden cave in our psyche repeating the mantra “more is better” or some other such nonsense.
Yet it is these very gods which, in claiming or desiring our focus, do not serve us well when offered the perverse allegiance they demand. It doesn’t take the accumulation of very much to know that possessions fall very short when expected to deliver happiness. Then pride, the swagger of self-importance, even displayed by one who might have accomplished much, makes the proud person into a fool.
As these gods try, with varying degrees of success, to assert their power within me, I try to remind myself that “less is more”, that our mothers were right when they said “pride comes before a fall.” I try to recall South African author Alan Paton’s immortal words, expressed through the pious Msimangu in Cry, The Beloved Country, that to love others is a most worthy pursuit, for when a man truly loves he seeks no power.
Posted in Love, Meditation, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Voice |
1 Comment »
March 26, 2007
by Rod Smith
Reader writes: My daughter-in-law is estranged from my son but still lives in our attached flat with their young son. I have to continually have to remind her to keep the flat clean. She tells me, “You are not my mother stop telling me what to do.” She is not qualified to do anything and refuses get a driver’s license (even after being offered help to study the manual). She has to be driven everywhere. She does not have any friends so we have to baby sit. If she were friendly with some of the other mothers we would gladly take the child to his friends or have them to play at our house. At her child’s birthday party she did not communicate with any of them. I had to run the party and speak to the mothers. (Shortened from a much longer letter)
Rod’s response: You are much too involved with an issue not your own. Give her a date by which she must move out. Announce to your son it is time he stepped up and took responsibility for his son. You, the former mother-in-law, are not responsible for the future of your former daughter-in-law. Back off, or she will never stand on her own two feet.
Posted in Differentiation, Divorce |
1 Comment »
March 26, 2007
by Rod Smith
“Whenever my girlfriend gets upset she throws tantrums – which I find to be an interesting tactic. I’ve started treating my girlfriend’s behavior with as if she is was a young toddler, so I ignore her tantrums and don’t let her get her own way. Most people give up tantrums by at least the age of 14! I’ve also started editing what I say because almost everything, and anything, I say can end with an emotional explosion. I didn’t even speak today because I was scared to be verbally attacked. I think she needs a psychiatrist urgently! Does this sound like bullying (or should she be) a mental patient? Her dad threatened to beat me up too. ALL the women in the family are divorced! Warning bells: RING-A-LING-A-LING! What is really irritating is that she spouts about being compassionate and talks of “unconditional love.” I think she has a slight distortion of reality!”
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: people are often attracted to persons who are at similar levels of emotional development. Are you a toddler too? Now that you have attempted to assess the mental health of your girlfriend, you might take some time to assess the status of your own mental health. Being so focused on her instabilities appears to blind you to your own.
Posted in Attraction |
10 Comments »
