Posts tagged ‘affair’

July 20, 2015

He watches like a hawk…..

by Rod Smith

“My husband insists on access to my phone, Facebook, emails, and watches my spending like a hawk. I understand some of this. His last wife was apparently unfaithful. His suspicious ways are driving me crazy and driving us apart even though I have NOTHING TO HIDE. How do I get him to trust me more and to give me a little freedom?”

You cannot get him to trust you more. That’s his load, his burden. He has to face his problem and his challenge.

His “suspicious ways” are his issue. The harder you try to appease him the more he will make you work to prove you are trustworthy.

People do not desire privacy because they have something to hide. People desire privacy because it is a deep, profound human need.

Love and control – these are desperate attempts to control you – cannot live side-by-side in the same relationship.

Submitting to his immature acts of control will be helpful to neither of you.

If possible, meet with his previous wife. I am sure you will discover that his controlling ways played a part in the demise of his past marriage.

Stay out of control – change your passwords, and refuse.

Love loves freedom and you will never know it while you attempt to appease a controlling man.

July 10, 2015

What we accommodate defines us…..

by Rod Smith

Allow others to speak down to you and you will begin to look down on yourself. You will begin to see yourself through their lens and even begin to agree with them.

Allow others to speak ill of you and you will begin to hide and avoid people and believe their disrespect is somehow deserved.
You will begin to carry a sense of shame that’s difficult to shed.

Allow others to lie to you (and then on top of that make excuses for them) and you will begin to fumble with what it true and what is not and soon you will be unable to tell the difference.

You will begin to question your judgment (and sanity) about the most insignificant of matters.

Firmly, kindly address those who choose to treat you poorly, knowing you will ruffle feathers (or more).

Use “I” statements. Define yourself; not others. Don’t go into detail.

People who treat others in the ways I have described – power-hungry people – love an argument. They will bully you into seeing just how wrong you are and how much you’ve misunderstood them.

Relationships are not about winning or losing and you know they that. They don’t.

Do not be afraid to walk away from ANY relationship that does not hold you in highest regard. Life is far too short and already far too difficult to have to bear the added burden of accommodating another person’s unresolved power-issues.

January 25, 2009

A wife writes….

by Rod Smith

“I was the wife in an extra marital affair. The woman (You & Me, 22/1/2009) is at fault because the man was married, and, since he did not leave his wife in four years, he is in the affair only for a good time. She may have not given him an ultimatum but there is indirect pressure. She says his wife subjected him to “Henpecking, bossing him, sleeping in separate rooms.” This is only what he told her. The mistress would not know the truth. He told her only what’s music to her ears. My husband told his mistress that he only lived with me and had nothing to do with me. In the meantime there was nothing wrong in our marriage. Others looked up to us. Our friends asked us advice on marriage. My husband cherished me and showed me love with all his heart and showered me with gifts. He never forgot special days like birthdays anniversaries. This is behind us now after some counseling and lots of prayer. I forgave him for his mistake and we renewed our marriage vows. We now have an even better marriage than before, but my wounds are still healing and it will be a while before I place 120% trust in him again.”

January 8, 2009

A woman writes and seeks opinion….

by Rod Smith

“Regarding affairs: it’s not fair to generalize. Of course affairs aren’t right, but life isn’t perfect and people change. People fall out of love all the time and it’s hard to hurt someone you’ve been with for a long time even when you don’t love them anymore. Affairs are a big ‘gray area’ where situations differ. Often, it’s two people finding each other at the wrong time. I agree that those two people need to do what is needed to make is right. Sometimes it takes time to work through the details. I found that my affair partner was ‘comfortable’ in his relationship with his wife but not in love with her. At the same time, she knew she had not done anything wrong. It was hard for him to hurt her and be the ‘bad guy’ in the eyes of family and friends. It’s the same with my husband: I no longer loved him but he had done nothing wrong. I simply fell out of love with him. Does that make my affair and me bad people? We care enough about our spouses to not want to hurt them, but realize it’s not fair to them or ourselves to live a lie.” (Edited only for word count)

January 7, 2009

He left because I didn’t cook or clean…

by Rod Smith

“Everything was going well with a man I love. We had a child and were so happy. We were planning to move to another city because of the economy so I packed and went to live with my parents because he said we were going to save. After I left I tried phoning him but he did not want to talk. Finally he said he did not love me anymore. After two months I found there was another person. It was my friend’s sister who I had invited to my son’s birthday party. She was already living in the home I had left. I saw her picture in his wallet were my picture was once. I am hurting and I don’t know what is going to happen next. He tells me he left because I did not cook or clean much. I don’t know if he will ever come back because physically she is better than me. Do you have any comment?”

Order through link on the right

Order through link on the right

This is not about cooking or cleaning. You’ve loved a deceitful, irresponsible man who has moved on to his next victim. As tough as it is, I’d suggest you to take your future into your own hands and do what you can for you and your children.

January 5, 2009

The women always make the decisions in the end…

by Rod Smith

“I have been in a four-year relationship with a married man. I still believe in his love but also believe he needs a push to do the right thing. I told him he has to own up to the affair and tell the wife himself, or I will tell her. I am not walking away with nothing after giving four years of my life. Then the wife can either have the choice of working things out with him or getting a divorce. It’s the women always make the decisions in the end.”

dsc_0642You might believe in “his love” (for you) but it is hard to believe you have any love for him. You clearly ignored any “push” to do the “right thing” and regard married men as “off limits.” While you are apparently vengeful and determined, you will most certainly find only temporary and limited personal peace.

I hope you will have some dramatic moment of insight, some divine encounter, an event of sorts that transforms you from within, and makes you ready to learn and ready love in ways that are helpful to you and to all persons in your sphere of influence.

August 13, 2008

Why I called his wife…..

by Rod Smith

Woman explains why she called her affair’s wife…

“I was in a relationship with an abusive man who would threaten to tell my children if I left him. He was married and when I received an abusive phone call from him saying he would lie and tell people where we go that I had AIDS when I refused to meet up with him I decided enough was enough. I knew the only way to stop him was to ring his wife and tell her he would not leave me alone. It worked. I knew deep down he was afraid of losing his home, and that he didn’t really love me. My point is that was the only way I could get him to leave me alone was to tell his wife, which I was loathsome to do. I am still trying to get my head around that he lied about loving me. Yes, I did wrong but I didn’t plan it. I now have a bad name because of him as he has lied about me to people where we used to go socially. I was totally taken in and used for his purposes. I wish I could turn the clock back.”

July 1, 2008

She told my wife of our affair…

by Rod Smith

“I’ve been a husband for 18 years. I have been suffering from diagnosed clinical depression for two years. This has taken a huge toll on my family, putting me close to suicide several times. In an effort to find something to make me happy, I had a two-month affair. In a moment of sanity, I broke it off. Last week the ‘mistress’ sent my wife an email. Luckily, I came clean to my wife and she says she will not leave me. I know I destroyed the best person in my life. I also know that I am the one that did wrong and broke my vows. The ‘mistress’’ knew I was married, knew I had problems, and played on those problems to actually prolong the relationship. Then in the end, she crushed my wife. Why? Not to help my wife! I may be the most wrong person here, but the mistress knew what she was doing. She told my wife out of some twisted form of revenge.”

Assigning the greater blame on your former mistress is pointless. Now that your wife knows, you have a greater chance of building something beautiful from your domestic ruins. Depression’s no excuse for infidelity and infidelity will never result in enduring happiness.

January 26, 2008

Alone and hurting….

by Rod Smith

“I am in an affair with a married man. Although it is a year it seems like a lifetime. I was married when we began our relationship. My husband moved away and I thought he was going to make the break with his wife. One day he tells me not to give up on him. The next day he tells me he never said such a thing. He talks about ‘boundaries’ and how he ‘chooses not to leave’ his wife. I’m miserable. I go to bed alone every night. Every day I help him with his work while mine falls further behind. I would love some pearls of wisdom. I need to end this: but how?” (Edited)

The pearl of wisdom – “I need to end this” – is in your letter. Until you sever this destructive alliance (it’s not a “relationship”) you will have no joy. Until you have extended time alone (without a man in your life) you will not re-establish your integrity.

How do you end it? There is no easy way out! Resign. Disappear. Move to a new city. Change your phone numbers. You owe him no “closure” or explanation. Of course this is tough but the sooner you act, the sooner you will find relief from your misery.

January 14, 2008

A woman writes, after ending her affair…..

by Rod Smith

“Wow! I happened to fall upon this site and I am so amazed at all the responses on this matter. I am not proud of what I am about to say but I fell in love with a married man. It started out as a professional relationship, but he flirted and pursued me and eventually I relented.

I believed him when he said, “nothing would change between us professionally.”

I believed him when he said “I have never done this before”….but little clues led me to believe different.

The fact that when his wife called him on his cell and he answered (while I was present) he would look me straight in the eye and not act nervously at all. Another time (I tested this) by hugging him while he was conversing with her, and he did not wince, or push me away at all!

So, either, he really hated her, or he is very used to this situation.

I wised up and left this relationship. She caught on, and I could tell that she had dealt with this before. She wasn’t even angry, it was more like: “Here we go again.”

I feel sorry for her. He is (so-called) “high profile.”

He makes a good living and they have several young kids. It hurt to leave, because I did love him. I probably still do,…but bottom line is it was so wrong!

One doesn’t intentionally try to get into these situations….at least I didn’t….it just happened, and like a fool I fell for his charm.

Don’t be stupid like I was…..realize…that if he really loved you. He would leave her for you….but then…..”buyer beware”….you just might get what you wished for! Hmmmm………? No Thanks. I don’t want to spend MY marriage looking over my shoulder and babysitting my husband…..just like it has been stated previously….if he did it to her? What is to stop him from doing it to you? What makes you better? You are NOT the mother of his children, you do NOT own property together, you do NOT have a history together….so why wouldn’t he cheat on you too?? Just an FYI….take it from someone who knows….

Here’s an update: AFTER I broke it off with him I ran into a girl at a nightclub and she told he that he had sex with one of her co-workers! Now who would have thought?”

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