I will teach this coming week in Tanzania. 

The campus is a 20 minute drive from the Kilimanjaro International Airport. 

I am not exactly sure where I am but I am told I am about 30 kilometers from Kilimanjaro, the mountain that is. It is to our east and, if the mist and clouds clear, all here on the campus will apparently have a clear view of the iconic mountain. 

After 25 hours in 4 planes and 26 hours wait-time for connections, I am here and the rewards are, at least in the immediate, seemingly endless. The bed is comfortable, the rural silence is broken only by birds and the croaks, the calls one hears in rural parts of the great African continent. Occasional voces in the distance, children running and playing somewhere, are sounds of comfort. 

The venue is made more appealing in that I have time to read and write and meditate. I placed an extra chair outside my front door, an invitation for passersby to sit for a while.

I have not met all (I met three as the stopped by to greet me on their way to church) of the young adult students who I shall have the joy of teaching this week but I do know they come from Tanzania, The Netherlands, and the USA.

Oh the joy.

You will know when your son or daughter (or You and I) are growing up and finding emotional maturity when …..

• He no longer talks like a victim and sees the world through the eyes of one who is disadvantaged. This has nothing to do with economic privilege or the lack of it.
• She no longer looks for who to blame for any and all circumstances in her life. This does not mean there are no legitimate issues where blame may be appropriate. It means she knows that continueing to blame others will get her nowhere worth going. 
• He takes responsibility for his situations because he knows he is the one common denominator on all of his affairs and relationships. Avoiding responsibility blocks progress and limits growth. 
• She learns the valuable lesson that she teaches people how to treat her with every interaction every day. What she tolerates will become the norm. 
• He speaks and behaves as one who knows what he wants, where he is going, and has a plan on how to get there. Knowing what he wants also clarifies what he doesn’t want.  

(I have used “he” and “she” simply because all apply to both males and females).

In a day or two I will be off to Kilimanjaro, then Durban, Cape Town, and finally home to Indiana. It’s a long trip – three weeks.

Having travelled a lot with my sons as babies and then as children and teenagers, it is when I am flying (alone) that I often miss them the most.

When they were babies fellow passengers, who, under most circumstances will mind their own business, forget this social norm when it comes to babies.

They express disbelief that a man can care for a baby, alone that is.

I quickly became accustomed to conversations that arose from sheer surprise that I, a man, was traveling alone with a baby.

Some revealed sincere interest.

Others were inquisitive or suspicious. 

I had to repeatedly remind myself that Thulani (my first-born son) and I were challenging “the way things are” in different nations when it comes to babies, childcare, adoption, especially single parent adoption. 

Passengers tell you what kind of people they are, by how they respond to babies on an aircraft. 

As the parent you have to make a decision about how you will respond to negative responses. 

The occasional businessman will hurrumph at the idea of being near a baby on a flight (most especially on rare occasions we were upgraded to business class).

In my book he was declaring what kind of man, father, grandfather, he really is.

Character is tested and revealed in multiple ways 

How a person treats animals is a big one. You don’t have to be a “cat person” or a “dog person” but you can be kind to those who are. You can be kind to all animals, creatures, and other moving things. Those who are unkind to the helpless are waving red flags. Take notice. Beware. 

How a person treats those who can do nothing for him or her (or believes they can do nothing for him or her) is telling you who they really are. This may include wait staff in restaurants, Uber drivers, car guards. If Mr. or Mrs. Important ferries around an attitude of superiority among those who serve, he or she may be in for a hard lesson. Life has a way of revealing that none of us is above or below others. It is a lesson often taught via painful experiences. 

How a person treats the elderly, the disabled, those who are rendered incompetent for whatever reason. If a person can be impatient with the disabled he or she can be so with anyone. Red flag Take notice.  

Character is revealed in how people handle their status, airline status, hotel status – whatever business awards with exclusivity or preference or priority. Enjoying what is earned and achieved is appropriate. Using it as a weapon of superiority or importance is a character flaw, and a waving red flag. 

.Holding the door open for a friend or a stranger and offering a smile as you cross paths.

Allowing somebody to go ahead of you into a parking space in a crowded parking lot.

Saying a firm and audible “please” when asking for a favor or even it is something due to you or owed to you.

Saying a firm and audible “thank you” for every kindness that comes your way.

Finding honest ways to affirm people around you.

Being visibly pleased to see somebody, listening to what they say, responding accordingly, without changing the subject and without imposing your own agenda on the conversation.

Asking respectful and guarded but interesting questions to find out about people and giving them an opportunity to talk.

Leaving your phone untouched — ignoring texts and calls – while you talk because you respect the person with whom you are engaged in conversation.

Remembering people, recalling what you’ve talked about the previous times you met, reflecting on what was said, letting the person know that you remember the last conversations you had together.

Avoiding negative talk about others, people who are not present to defend themselves.

Responding in a timeous manner to those who reach out to you via texts.

Expressing gratitude for the beauty in all people and visible all around.

No age, no time limit. Any and all restrictions will be self-imposed.

I challenge you (as I challenge myself) to be an Agent of Grace  (AOG), today, this week, this month, well, really for the rest of your life. 

Embrace the challenge and, although I cannot guarantee it, you will extend your life. You will be happier than you are, you will lead yourself into deeper waters, more beautiful waters than you have previously known. 

An AOG commits (privately) to being a conduit of kindness, goodness and encouragement during every human-to-human encounter and opportunity.

It means you’ll look for opportunities to encourage and enhance the life-experiences of others, those you know, those you don’t, those you accept, those who, in some part of your former life, you may have rejected. 

To be an AOG means that you will have an underlying motive: the empowerment of others, all others. You will be strong, assertive, vocal in the presence of inequity. It means you will speak up to injustices around you.

Your chosen tasks may be as simple as paying for somebody’s groceries, underwriting somebody’s education, or simply sending a thank you card. 

Your expressions of Grace do not have to be expensive although you will not shy away from those that are.

You will work undercover. You will take people by surprise. Your recipients may never know the source of their empowerment and surprise. 

Give yourself a secret code name to make it more exciting.

What matters?

People matter. How we treat people matters. How we treat all people matters. How we respect and treat those with whom we are close, say we love, those whom we encounter at arms length, and those we will not encounter at all, matters. 

It matters much.

How we treat others mirrors what we think (or don’t think) of ourselves.  

How we treat those with whom we disagree matters as least as much as how we treat those whom we claim to love. 

How we treat people, near, far, loved, known, unknown, different, current family, former family, those on the other side of the political aisle, is a litmus test on our spirituality. 

It’s a test of our holiness –wellbeing – if we claim to represent a faith or not. 

Human encounters are holiness-checks, biopsies of our integrity, no matter who we are or what positions we hold – megachurch pastor or atheist, billionaire or penniless.  

How we treat all others says nothing whatsoever about others. How we treat others is a window – a large open window – revealing volumes about us, no matter how hard we may try to keep it closed, barred, blackout curtains taped shut. 

How we treat people matters for many reasons, one being it mirrors the love and respect we have for ourselves. 

We love others as we love ourselves. 

The same is true for hate, rejection, and contempt.

To love another person unconditionally is possible, but at times, I find it a bit of a stretch. 

There is no doubt I love my sons, and I have said, unconditionally. By this I mean that my response to them is to love them no-matter-what. 

No matter what they do, say, become, I have decided my response will be to love each of them and their wives. 

But, and here is what I mean by “easier said than done.” In moments of conflict or disagreement, or when either son or I am stubborn and unreasonable beyond belief, unconditional love is not what I feel. I get annoyed and short-tempered and want to say things I will regret. 

When I am not doing well (emotionally, psychologically, physically – and in any other way I have not listed) I am tempted to mix a few conditions into my love. 

I want to make it into a deal or a trade. 

Thankfully, this is not a permanent place for me – I usually get over things fairly quickly – and then unconditional love, reason, logic and good sense are able to re-enter my thinking and I am able to restore my belief in my own unconditional love. 

All of the above, I am glad to say, occurs within me and it is seldom my sons are even aware of the little war that occurs in my head when I am tempted to import a few hurdles into my love and therefore make it conditional. 

While I hope you will see elements of playfulness in my list, almost all of the following test our resolve and our capacity to hold onto ourselves. Some require us ot mind our own business. A few of the following can indeed be learned, practised and perfected. Others require a large dose of self-control, humility and faith.

A baker’s dozen of things that are easier said than done:

• Love someone unconditionally.
• Hold onto your unsolicited opinion or guidance as you watch your children (all ages) make what you think are mistakes.
• Put a tent or a sleeping bag into its original packaging after use. 
• Quell the urge to rescue your children (any ages) when they are troubled or are in trouble.
• Stand up to authority and power when doing so may threaten your well-being or security.
• Successfully fold a fitted sheet.
• Find the humility to apologies when you know you’ve been wrong.
• One-upping someone’s story with something better or more dramatic.
• Changing a duvet cover without help.
• Listening to someone’s medical woes.
• Forgive and forget.
• Telling a friend that he or she’s probably in an unhealthy relationship, but it’s blind to it. 
• Lose weight, keep it lost.

Feeling nervous or down about the future?

I am no property developer or engineer but I know a crane when I see one. They are everywhere. Cranes mean construction and ambitious investment. This non-engineer knows high rise cranes waving from above, dominating the skyline, is a really good sign.

I’m no banker or economist. What I do know is jampacked multiple international planes touching down daily in major South African hubs from dozens of international hubs is fabulous for the economy. Every over-crowded South African immigration arrival hall with slow moving switchback queues lines at passport control means nationwide healthy financial infusions.

I am no sociologist but when families of every hue and language, business colleagues, reward groups, tourists groups, collide to enjoy the nation’s  incredible selection of prized locations: vineyards, game parks, all-inclusive hotels and resorts, sports venues, and natural wonder view sights, it’s a good sign. Upmarket restaurants are often fully booked months ahead, superb franchises buzz with activity and spectacular malls (some of the best on the planet) suggest a healthy and vibrant economy. 

I am no city planner but I do know that when major cities struggle with traffic congestion and armies of taxis jostle to load and off-load passengers and ride-share drivers are readily available and efficient something good is happening. 

Raise your glasses, South Africa; your vital signs appear to me, are bursting with life and vitality. 

Remember, look for the cranes. 

Cheers!