“My twins (15) have always been close to my husband who is their step-dad. Now, recently, they seem to be going against him and wanting to be with their (biological) dad. Their father has been absent for almost all their lives and their step-dad has been a father to them. Why would they now want to be with someone who has done so little for them and almost reject someone who has done so much? What must I do? This doesn’t make sense at all.”

You are applying simple logic to very complex dynamics. Your children are apparently obeying the call of their invisible loyalties. I’d suggest (unless there are circumstances you have not divulged and he is in some manner dangerous) you get out of the way and provide a platform for them to better know their father.

Avoid being the go-between for the children and their stepfather. If your husband has come this far with the twins he can probably handle the shift in their loyalties. Ultimately I believe things will settle, and the children will know who he is and how much he has already loved them.

“I’m currently living with my fiancé and his two daughters who are 11 and 13). Their mother moved a fair distance away right after the divorce. They would have had joint custody if she stayed, however, she chose to move away to her new boyfriend and have a new baby. Despite everything the girls have gone through, they have always treated me with respect. They are such sweet open hearted individuals that I really look up to. I wouldn’t have been able to handle it if my mother had moved away from me at that age. There are times when they act up and frustrate both their dad and me but it’s really just normal stuff all kids do.

“For all stepparents, the fact that you are even there willing to be part of the family and show love to the children is something very special on its own. That takes a special someone. But yet, ‘evil step mom or dad’ are under constant scrutiny from the ones who really made ‘the choice’ to be a parent yet not be around. Stepparents should get a medal for everything they have to endure.”

“My stepmother is nicer to me and to my children than is my biological mother. My dad married her when I was a teenager and I resisted her being in our family. My father told me that I’d better get used to it and that I’d better do all I could to get along with the new arrangement. I still kicked against it for a while but things settled down and we ‘found’ each other. Now my problem is I find her easier to relate to than my own mother! While I do not detect any jealousy or bad feelings, it is a little uncomfortable for my family when my children enjoy my stepmother a little more than they do my own mother. My mother is not a problem; she is simply less people and family-orientated. What do you think?” (Lifted, with permission, from face-to-face conversation)

Sounds like a “normal family stuff” to me. You (understandably) resisted. Someone (your father) stood up to you. The whole family apparently learned a lot. Essentially, you gained from the strong messages received from your father – and, as a result, you grew up. You are probably more aware than most people seem to be of how long it can take for a family to adjust and grow and learn to love. Drop the “step” label. It seems to serve no purpose, and I’d give up using it completely. Of course, I appreciate you needed the label to relay your story to me, but you probably don’t need it in daily living. It is an unnecessary term which is quite loaded with negativity for many people.