Anger, like happiness, joy, and fulfillment, is an “individual pursuit.”

Its hurtful expression ought not be laid at the door of the victim.

People are angry – alone.

The “you-make-me-so-angry” line is a cop-out, a fallacy, and ought to be challenged and resisted.

“Buying it” helps the angry man or woman remain immature and maintain unhelpful control.

Certainly, my behavior could trigger your anger, but to do so, the anger has to be already resident, lurking, within you. I may be sufficiently powerful to light your fuse but it remains your fuse.

Many people “get” angry in traffic – but it is not the traffic that makes people angry – the traffic is the catalyst for the anger already resident in people.

I know men and women who can sit for hours in horrendous traffic and enjoy books on tape or soothing music! Despite their demanding careers (interrupted by heavy traffic) these men and women have correctly recognized that ranting and raving over things over which they have no control is rather pointless and foolish.

The first step dealing with anger is the recognition that it is not someone else’s fault – but is indeed something that needs to be addressed by the person within whom the anger has found a home.

Angry people abound.

Some cover it effectively, making careers of it (watch some sports stars!). Others appear to turn it into something productive like very hard work or passionate involvement in causes (watch some politicians).

Some, who have failed to deploy it down more helpful avenues, fight with everyone sooner or later.

Anger (in you or others) is beyond reasoning. “Reasoning” with anger or with an angry person, while he or she is feeling the anger, is pointless.

Get out of the way. This is the only helpful thing to do. Refuse to be the victim. If you are the one feeling and expressing the anger, remove yourself from possible victims – have your episode alone!

Anger cannot be “dealt with” academically, through willfulness, or resolutions. Ironically, it can only be dealt with when felt. Stopping, answering the question, “What is really going on here?” will help you find a solution. The ability to see what’s going on trumps the importance of its origin. “I am feeling out of control,” or “This situation appears to want to rob me of something,” or “I am not being recognized for my true importance,” will help you to give your feelings a greater context – and possibly defuse the moment into something more productive.

Five goals…..

Become the most generous person you know. This is not a challenge to give away all your money or possessions, rather it is a challenge to appreciate that you are probably in a position where you are able to empower others and reduce some anxiety for others were you to open your hand and wallet more often.

Become the most hospitable person you know. This is not a challenge to unwisely open your home to strangers (but keep in mind a stranger is most often a friend you do not yet know) or place yourself in danger. It is an invitation to identify the lonely people whom you already know and to be a source of welcome and comfort to them. 

Become self-aware. This is a challenge to embrace the opposite of selfishness. A self-aware person takes into account the impact he or she has on others and seeks always to do his or her part to initiate friendship, to participate in community, and to do no harm.  

Become a focussed listener when it is time to listen (it’s not always time to listen) to another. This is a challenge to resist finishing thoughts and sentences for others and deciding you already know what they are going to say. When it is time to listen, drop everything and do so. 

Become aware of what is necessary to share with others and what is not. This is a challenge to self-edit. Not all you think and feel needs to be expressed. Learn the power and value of holding onto yourself both for your own integrity and to respect and honor the privacy of others.

These past few days I’ve buried myself in three books – the printed on paper sort or books. I am reading ”The Land of Sweet Forever,” by Harper Lee, “The Burgess Boys,” by Elizabeth Strout, and “We Did OK, Kid,” by Anthony Hopkins.

I have discovered, over the years, I prefer to read two, sometimes three, books at a time. The variety, the quietness of the exercise, I find appealing. With this current selection, the memoir gives me a window into the life of a respected actor and movie star. Harper Lee’s early works evidence her warming up to pen “To Kill a Mockingbird.” Strout’s work of fiction unravels an acute family drama. The author illustrates her deep knowledge of the inner-workings of complex families – something almost all readers find familiar if we are willing to look. 

I like the unhurriedness of reading real paper books. I can take notes, watch for the authors’ unique styles, learn about writing and learn new words.

Anthony Hopkins describes a woman as “zaftig” and I was amused and a little sad that I’d never heard the word before. 

Had I known “zaftig” I would certainly have used it many times.

It takes a while, or I should say it took me a while, to learn that others don’t always see the world as you or I may expect.

People tend to make assumptions about each other and situations and outcomes based on their own contexts and experiences. 

And be wildly wrong.  

Loss of a loved one, a life-partner,  must equal grief – is a fairly safe assumption.

Or so I thought.

A woman in her 70s sat near me in a coffee-shop. There were a few indications that she’d engage in light conversation. After a little small talk and talk about her family and some reflections on her recent travels she told me her husband of 50-plus years had recently died. 

I expressed my condolences. 

“It’s a relief, really,” she said, “I’d tried for years to get out of that marriage. He was a very difficult man.”

I have frequently witnessed parents who lean toward obsessive, indulgent parenting.

It is, in my limited experience, a Western phenomenon, visible in more wealthy counties. 

While it sounds heretical I have encouraged many parents to have a life outside of their children. I promote the idea that children were never intended to be a parent’s reason to live (something I have often heard). Think of how much pressure that is for any child to shoulder. Children will crumble or rebel under the pressure of indulgence and worship. 

Divided attention (“I’ve got other things I have to do.”) is probably better for children than undivided attention (“I instantly drop everything when my children need me.”). 

I suggest parents pursue friendships with other adults and chase interest in the things they are good at like art, music, literature.

A healthy parent engages in activities that have nothing to do with his or her children or with parenting.

This usually enhances parenting and does not detract from it.

Nothing in the above suggests the promotion of child neglect. 

Far from it.

I’d suggest child indulgence is itself a form of neglect. 

Self-neglect will do your children no good at all, especially if the energy you do not spend on yourself is spent on over-caring (indulging) for your children.

The power of moving from Entitlement to Gratitude

Entitlement focusses on what you lack or think ought to be yours and what is not happening for you. Gratitude highlights the people who enrich your life and the things that enrich your life and are yours even beyond your deserving.

Entitlement enlarges you (usually only in your own head) and who you think you think you are, and what you need and what you imagine or believe you deserve. Entitlement distorts. Gratitude helps you to see you are part of a whole (a family, a community) and allows the needs and conditions of others to enter your awareness and your experience. Gratitude modifies and delivers you to a beautiful size. 

Entitlement may increase your self-importance in your own mind and in the way some people treat you (it can be very subtle) but it will also alienate you (it can also be very subtle) from those who want to know you and befriend you. Entitlement leads to being stand-offish. Gratitude will make you warmer, easier to approach and befriend.

Entitlement may, for a time, get you what you think you want. It may have others treat you in ways you think you deserve. Gratitude will transform you into who you are unaware you could be.