The Mercury / Tuesday

I asked for an update regarding a letter I responded to some years ago about an out-of-wedlock pregnancy.

This response was in my email today and I am overjoyed:

“Regarding your request for an update in your article from a few weeks back about advice given seven years ago on a pregnancy out of wedlock. Just to let you know that that this beautiful and clever most precious child is loved by all close family and is a blessing to us all.”

Thank you. I am so pleased to hear from the writer. I am thrilled to know the child is doing well and is a blessing to his or her family.

He or she will join the ranks of about 12 young men and women known to me who were also the result of unanticipated conception. In almost all cases the pregnancies led to major family conflict, experiences of deep shame, cut-offs, bouts of anger and blame, and loss of face in the respective communities.

All the babies, each and every one, once born, won the heart of every family member and all the shame and conflict was for nought.

In none of the situations were things “easy” but they were all worth it.

Mass shootings, expressions of rampant prejudice, church bombings, attacks on synagogues, attacks on schools – I could go on!

These unsettling events get our attention. They should. They make any reasonable person and group ask the question: “What can I do?” and “What can we do?”

Please consider these ideas designed to be deployed in unison:

• Read the reports of these events, the ones that catch your attention. Meditate on the fact that there are innocent people involved. There are children, very young children involved. Let the horror hit you even if it is something that occurred on the other side of the planet. This is not an invitation to baptize oneself in horror but to allow oneself to grow in compassion and the capacity to identify with suffering. May the inhumanity of some help you and me to become more humane, more human, more caring, more kind.
• Rid yourself of all prejudice – gross and subtle: racial, religious, and all the other ways ignorance seeps into our thinking and being. While we carry the virus we also spread it and when we do we are part of the problem and not its solution.
• Revere, love, honor, and treasure all people, especially those with whom you have religious or political differences.

(As I have written a hundred times, I am always my first reader.)

The Mercury / Thursday

Note to self ….. perhaps you’ll join me

Note to self: the best time to begin a journey of no regrets is today, right now, this very minute. Please join me in meeting the following challenges:

• Contact that estranged relative. Begin a process of mending and healing. Do so while first protecting the integrity of your immediate family and taking care of your primary responsibilities.

• Establish firm boundaries with everyone you know, from the most casual of acquaintances to the most intimate of companions.

• Do what you can to right your known wrongs. Also, acknowledge that some errors of judgment and lapses of integrity are, with the passage of time, beyond your power to redeem. Sometimes, all you can do is sincerely apologize and not repeat the same errors.

• Embrace unusual challenges and opportunities, especially the opportunities to serve others and those opportunities that test and challenge your natural desire for comfort.

• Go counter. When others are seeking power and influence do what you can to give it away. When others are angry and resentful, look for opportunities to bring peace. Find goodness where it appears to be absent.

• Acknowledge that there is more to life that what you know and others have the capacity and the power to teach you, no matter who they are, if you are open and available to learn.

Causes of joy…..

1. Generosity – giving more than you can afford.

2. Faith – in God and in the humanity of others.

3. Forgiveness – absolute, and especially when undeserved.

4. Transparency – living without deceit or hidden agenda.

5. Openness – willingness to try new things and new adventures.

6. Awareness – of the impact left on others and on the environment.

7. Kindness – treating others in a manner that fosters their highest good.

8. Assertiveness – finding your way without impeding the growth of others.

9. Usefulness – finding a meaningful place in a community.

10. Love – deciding to love without expecting recognition or reward.

The Mercury / Monday

May these be your first thoughts every morning and may they infiltrate your every move and relationship:

I am….

• To be respected and treasured and able to respect and treasure all other people.

• Capable of expressing my opinions and will do so with growing and greater confidence.

• Uniquely gifted and my gifts are useful to my immediate and broader community.

• As unique as the proverbial snowflake and yet part of the human family, tainted with its vulnerabilities, failures, and frailties.

• Capable of forgiving the worst of offenses I have endured, and capable of seeking forgiveness for the worst offenses I have committed.

• Able to encourage the discouraged and offer hope to the hopeless.

• Unafraid of the talents of others and able and willing to help others find their greatness.

• Capable of becoming the most generous person I know.

• My own best friend so that I may be a friend to others.

A gift for the boss

• Offer loyalty, not blind or unquestioning loyalty, but in accordance with your mutually understood employer/employee agreements. Do not speak poorly of your boss within the organization or to outsiders. If you are unhappy with his or her performance talk directly to the boss or to those empowered to act on your behalf. Such talk ought not be with peers – when you do this you are a source of toxicity in the organization and are part of the problem, whatever it (the problem) is.

• Offer trust, not blind or unquestioning trust. If an employee cannot trust a boss, something deeper needs to be (efficiently) addressed.

• Focus on your work during work hours. It’s not time for you to catch up on Face Book or to be glued to your phone. It’s not time to plan your child’s birthday party. Advance only the purposes for which you have been hired.

• An eye for how to improve the organization and the gift (tact, nuance) of when, how, and with whom to express such observations. Much at work may not make sense but an employee must earn the platform to point them out before he or she becomes a self-appointed troubleshooter.

• Offer honesty. Be brutally honest about finances, expense reports, vehicle usage, and reimbursements. NEVER take a cent that is not legitimately yours no matter who else may be doing so. You alone are always responsible for your honesty.

I’m intentionally getting a little ahead of my Midwest self because for some friends it’s almost Easter Saturday already:

Easter Saturday:

Easter Saturday, a little more than two thousand years ago, the first followers of Jesus hit the wall. His execution was complete; the corpse secure in a tomb and the courageous teacher was gone.

He, who had done no harm, who’d loved so intimately, lived so passionately, challenged everything so profoundly and, like none before or since, practiced what he preached, was finished.

Kaput.

There’s little doubt that depression and dejection hung heavily in the air for his followers.

They had traded all they’d had and known, to be abandoned by one who could walk on water, still storms, raise the dead but not avoid his own death on a criminal’s cross.

Then……..somewhere between midnight tonight (two thousand years ago) and early the following morning, Christians believe that Jesus, if you’ll excuse the cumbersome phase, stopped being dead. He cast death aside, walked from the tomb, embraced life in an eat-fish-and-walk-through-walls body.

Believe it or not, you’ve got to give it to them, Christians that is; a rebound of this nature from anyone, let alone their beloved leader, would stimulate celebration.

This pivotal weekend, Easter weekend, rekindles so much for Christians: grief, loss and grief, then exuberance.

Believers, of every background and representing every cultural extreme and every ethnic diversity in every country on earth will flock to church to worship their risen Lord and proclaim death defeated. On Sunday morning they (we) will greet each other with, “The Lord is Risen,” to hear in response, “He is Risen indeed.” What they are really saying is, “On Friday I was horrified at what was done to my Lord. Yesterday I grieved his loss. Today he’s alive and there’s hope for us all, so let’s have a party.”

Great things can be learned from Easter: deep reflection, acknowledgment of grief, fresh beginnings, unreasonable generosity and partying with abandon.

Let’s all do it, Christian or not. Let’s grieve deceased family members, relationships strained or severed, our possible role in the atrocities of greed, prejudice and plundering committed across the globe.

Let’s acknowledge opportunities missed and misused and deliberate to see the impact we have on others. Let’s evaluate where and how we are a part of the world’s problem rather than the solution.

The uncanny thing about Jesus is that even if you don’t, as Christians do, believe he was the Son of God, doing the things he said is still good for people. Making a fresh start with someone you haven’t seen in a long time, like a brother, sister, and an in-law who gets your goat or an estranged business partner, is good for the soul, rejuvenates communities. Reconnecting with people, offering grace, space to others, letting forgiveness emerge for your harshest foes, your bitterest enemies is a movement in the opposite spirit of what is expected. It disarms explosive, stressed or polarized relationships and empties our tombs of unbelief.

Call your debtors and say something like, “I’m canceling your debt. I cannot afford to have you owe me anything.” They might not deserve your generosity but Easter is not a do-or-do-not-deserve-it time. It never was, never will be. Besides, who among us can want what they deserve without experiencing feelings of fear and trembling? It’s about getting what you do not deserve. It’s about not getting what you do. It’s about grace, about being unreasonably forgiving, wildly extravagant with kindness.

Finally, celebrate your humanity. Dance with delight at the human capacity to reflect, repent and be revived. I’ll peek into my tomb today and do what it takes to clear it of resentments, self-pity, unrighteous anger and all else that keeps me from dancing. I trust you will peek into yours, find it wonderfully empty and join me in a rich and loud celebration.

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1. View from our front yard, and. 2. A view of the south and “main” entrance of First Presbyterian Church New Castle Indiana…… ALL WELCOME…… to keep up with our events please befriend F Pres Church:

The Mercury – Friday

If you want that healthier family, university degree, professional credential, dream job, or to travel the world……. you have to see it, whatever it is, first in your mind’s eye.

Possibilities are born first in your fabulous* imagination.

Once the dream or vision has time to germinate and gain shape within you, a shape you are able to put into words and onto paper, it has a starting chance to survive, thrive, and become a reality.

Every great achievement was first an idea, and this is the very private part of the journey.

Healthy people (of all ages) are usually dealing with several competing such visions and walk a tightrope of concurrent ambitions while having a lot of fun (mostly) while doing their part in making them happen.

This is just one small part of the wonder of being human: we are able to dream great dreams, break our dreams and desires and visions into steps or goals, couple them with the hard work of plowing our efforts into making them a reality – and hurt no one, including and especially ourselves, along the way.

* How do I know your imagination is fabulous? You are human! It comes with the package.

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To the boys (young men) who have shared life with me for the past 21 and 17 years…… go, go, go, into all the world……let nothing and no one hold you back:

“I  have read and kept your newspaper articles on Mercury and coincidentally they are always words I need at a particular moment. With all due respect, Sir, what are the chances of obtaining the articles you have written in the past? I can organise a memory stick and save them. Have you ever thought about compiling them in a form of a book? I what I like they are sweet and short but the quality of information is rich and informative. The article titled, “Ditch Self Lies” made me inspect myself deeply and it yielded positive results.”

“Please can you tell me what line of work you do. Your advice is so helpful and to the point in some editorials. It would be nice if someone could be an advocate for single moms in South Africa.”

Most of my columns are available at http://www.DifficultRelationships.com. You may fill as many memory sticks as desired. I do not have a book; daily columns are my first love. I am a Family Therapist with particular interest in Family Systems theory. I am the pastor of a Presbyterian Church in a smallish town in the Midwest of the USA – but, and this is very important to me, I was born at Mothers, overlooking Greyville Racecourse.

The Mercury / Friday

Whatever your faith persuasion or the decision to have none, you may or may not agree that it is time to pray for the residents, legal or illegal, of the cities across this land. Please pray, even if it is to a God in Whom you do not believe!

Oh God, our differences in faith and differences in our approach to you, divide those whom they ought to unite and incite those whom they ought to calm.

May this not be true for me.

Help us to love, embrace, and understand authentic humility. Help us to honor mercy and to seek justice even if it personally inconvenient and costly. Help us to live lives of love and truth and to seek the greater good of the community. Help us to place aside the desire for revenge and to seek rather the growth that comes with hospitality, acceptance, and forgiveness.

Help me to understand that peace begins with me, that hospitality and kindness and generosity begin with me.

May violence end. May leaders, official and unofficial, learn to embrace love and justice rather than be or become intoxicated by their limited powers.