Q: My extended family is in constant struggle over my father’s dependence on alcohol. It upsets my teenage children when he becomes abusive to their grandmother and to me, their mother, after a few drinks. I really don’t want to visit my parents over New Year. My eldest son, whom I did not think would even remember the unpleasant incident from last year, has asked if he can stay home if the family goes to their home this year. It would hurt my father’s feelings if he knew the truth, but I do not want to subject my children to all that again. My husband is fine with whatever I decide. What do you think I should do?

A: If you want a “Happy New Year” you might want to start it with a happy event! You are concerned about hurting your father’s feelings but will allow him to hurt your children and you? This is absurd! Don’t go. Tell your father his behavior from last year has had regrettable consequences. I would not suggest a parent ever knowingly subject their child to harmful experiences. Wild horses couldn’t get me to your dad’s house for New Year and I am not even related to him!

While there are more than TEN REASONS this advice column is different from Ann Landers, Dear Abby (and therefore a good juxtaposition to those very well-loved columns) I have listed the 10 that come immediately to mind:

1. Short. Takes 50 seconds to read and offers sound, to the point suggestions and advice.
2. Questions are not presented in full.
3. It is anonymous. Questions go to Rod@difficultrelationships.com
4. Submitted to newspapers in two-week packs by email or download before deadline (over 1000 segments are already available).
5. Segments sometimes follow a theme. One reader said it was “better than a soap opera.”
6. Sometimes the writer expresses a personal note about general relationship issues.
7. Allows immediate access to readers on the Internet.
8. Advice is focused on strength, sometimes funny, believes in the resilience of people and covers a very wide spectrum of issues.
9. Writer is a family therapist who teaches family therapy in several countries each year.
10.Style allows for brevity, anonymity and cutting to the chase.

Toxic (poisoned) relationships are tiring to say the least. Apart from requiring mounds of energy, they can be filled with threats, silence, manipulation, domination and intimidation. Toxic couples often attempt to drown their pain in drinking, drugs and lustful or vengeful sexual activity.

Toxicity is apparent when “old” arguments frequently resurface, feelings of loyalty and disloyalty rage within you, anger seems to come from nowhere and you have a very short fuse. Life feels like a giant game of chess that’s impossible to win.

Often toxic relationships start with intensely sexual experiences. A new person seemingly offers you everything you ever wanted and so you quickly invest yourself completely. After a short while it feels as if you have been handed a script where the entrances and exits are seldom within your power and you are an unwilling actor in someone else’s play.

Remember there are always more options available for your life than it might appear. Problems play hide-and-seek before they become full-blown and begin to make life unmanageable. Poison doesn’t usually happen overnight. It is helpful to identify some of these issues before they become a debilitating.

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