1. Don’t take sides when faced with a conflict that does not involve you.
2. Don’t gossip or pass on information that is none of your business.
3. Don’t use the Internet for personal reasons while you are at work.
4. Don’t talk out of both sides of your mouth.
5. Ask for clarity (instructions, guidelines) when you face new tasks.
6. Ask for feedback regarding how you are performing and for constructive criticism.
7. Ask about company culture if you are not sure what’s appropriate in any setting.
8. Ask about the history of the company and what are its long-term aspirations.
9. Return calls.
10. Leave succinct and accurate messages.
11. Say “thank you” more than you say anything else.
12. Solve problems, not people.

“In three years my wife and I have found it difficult to speak of the loss of our unborn child. This hit me very severely and all I want to say is that people usually brush this sort of thing off as if men don’t feel it as much, and as if it is somehow a good thing to miscarry. The last thing I wanted to hear was ‘you can try again’ or “these things happen for a reason’ or ‘it’s for the best’ or ‘God knows what He’s doing’. It is not that I want everyone to understand or to feel the pain like I do but I do suggest people rather withhold their editorial opinion when expressing their sympathy.” (Edited)

Thanks for drawing attention to the pain fathers also feel. Thanks for helping us all become wiser when faced with these difficult matters.

Sleep in a dumpster....

I have a few suggestions to facilitate your desire. Granted, this is not easy as we do not live in a territory occupied by a foreign power whose representative despises locals and is especially violent toward infant boys after getting wind that one will be born who will be greater than he is.

In your journey to be “in touch” with the birth of the Christ-child, start by walking to say, Chicago, Cleveland, or Cincinnati. Take a donkey (or ride a camel) to St Louis. Wherever you choose to go, plan to arrive by Christmas Eve. Have at least one very pregnant teen-ager (a non-relative) of about 13 or 14 in your party.

The ride, the discomfort, the lack of certainty about accommodations and the welfare of mother and baby along the way will enhance your appreciation of the season and sharpen your perceptions of how ridiculously off-target are our current traditions with sterile stables, plastic donkeys, unbounded shopping and a world hung with mistletoe.

Take no money. Be prepared to be turned away by family and motel managers alike. You are accompanied by a pregnant, delusional teen who, apart from being no one’s wife, claims “innocence” regarding the pregnancy. Her claim that an angel said she’d conceive a child by God more than alienates your party from usual societal pleasantries, and you end up with a makeshift accommodation between two dumpsters at the rear of a very cheap rent-by-the-hour motel.

On the journey, chat here and there about the political leader who slaughters all the boys in the Midwest. He has spurts of uncontrolled power and an inordinate degree of submission from the troops who carry out his wishes. Remind yourself that for weeks, months and years to come, parents will mourn endlessly over the loss of their infant boys.

You get to successfully hide your infant from the brutal eye of the murderous leader, but this is little consolation, for although you are very grateful that the baby will not be murdered as an infant, you can hardly dispel the knowledge that he will, nonetheless, be ruthlessly murdered as an adult.

As you choose a parking lot behind a motel in South Bend or Toledo, reflect on the oddness of the child’s conception and the rumor you hear that he will “save” people from their sins. This thought both encourages and disturbs you. You literally fall to the ground and worship a God who has given such a privilege while remaining aware of how those who seek no salvation usually treat self-proclaimed saviors.

The cattle are lowing, yes, but have you ever spent the night with an ox? Have you noticed how much distance you keep from the animals at the state fair? There’s good reason for that. Somehow the lowly manger has become a sanitized, cozy corner. Live in a dumpster, add a few stray farm animals and let a few wild goats, dogs and rats enter regularly from stage left and stage right, and you are more likely to create something of the environment of the first Christmas.

Let there be no gifts, no tree, no glitter. Christmas earmarks the beginning of the second phase of a remarkably courageous journey of love, adventure and commitment on behalf of a determined God. The gift is in the risk. The value is in the danger. The generosity is within the sheer lunacy that God constantly loves a recalcitrant humanity.

The UPS truck arriving at your door with a gift from Aunt Joan in Ohio does nothing to reflect the spirit of generosity that was evident with the coming of the Christ-child unless Aunt Joan has given everything she ever owned or valued, and, at the cost of her life, packed it off to you for Christmas.

I get a little peeved when cartoons portray a passive therapist repeating how do you feel? as if feelings are the cornerstone of effective therapy. In decades of therapeutic encounters how do you feel?may be the question I have asked least.

Feelings are deceptive. Fleeting. Feelings offer a poor guide to healthy action and often trap clients in inaction.

Thinking is what makes the difference. I am far more interested in what my clients THINK than I am in what clients FEEL. Of course I acknowledge the importance of feelings, but I am careful to avoid elevating feelings so they trump thinking.

I believe people think their way into a new and helpful ways of behaving.

The head (thinking) is a far more-trustworthy leader than the heart.

I have seen many a client think (read, plan, plot, negotiate, strategize) his or her way out of an overwhelming personal dilemma while he or she was, at the same time, FEELING overwhelmed, debilitated, incapable of doing anything.

Getting your head into gear can pull your entire life into a whole new realm of helpful, good feelings, which of course, as I said, are not to be overly trusted.

My son (9) comes home from school with things that he says he traded or he won. They are small toys and games. Should I trust him or should I check it out with the school. Stealing is not beyond his capabilities?

I’m inclined to suggest you err on the side of trust than impose your suspicions upon your son. When he tells you he won or traded these items you are surely aware that he is doing what children have done for generations.

I clearly recall trading marbles, yo-yos, Durban City soccer cards (I couldn’t get rid of my Durban United and Addington cards quickly enough) and all manner of items on the Northlands Primary soccer field – without ever stealing.

Clearly there is some history regarding your son and stealing but I’d rather be fooled for trusting too much than be guilty of trusting too little.

While we are talking about trading and soccer cards, I think I have an “Alan Varner” and I really want a “George Wooten.” Any offers?

Reminder: “Love in Harsh Palces” contest will end November 30th. Submit, by email, your 200-word account where you encountered love where it was least expected. Prize: $200 Exclusive Books Gift Card.

“My husband calls me stupid. He gives me the ‘silent treatment’ for days. He says things like ‘I’ll talk to you when you say something intelligent’. What am I to do?” (Edited)

Equals, not opposites, attract - when it comes to levels of functioning.

But, hold that thought. Expressing it to him is likely to generate unhelpful conflict.

Remove yourself when he’s abusive, and, at least for a time, hold your tongue. The less you respond the greater will be the possibility that he will hear his own cruelty. For a few days, even weeks, offer no comeback to stoke his fire or stroke his foolishness.

Then, when the atmosphere is right (few couples fight round the clock) initiate a conversation. Tell him how his words damage both of you, how unattractive it is to be labeled, debased. Suggest his callousness says nothing about you and everything about him. Inform him that even “stupid women” have limits to accommodating abuse, and that he ought to seek professional help before he grinds all the goodwill out of his marriage forever.