My husband calls me stupid…

by Rod Smith

“My husband calls me stupid. He gives me the ‘silent treatment’ for days. He says things like ‘I’ll talk to you when you say something intelligent’. What am I to do?” (Edited)

Attraction is only enduringly possible.....

Equals, not opposites, attract - when it comes to levels of functioning.

Romantic attraction resulting in marriage is usually only possible with persons of similar emotional maturity and psychological functioning. Given you are married, and presuming he is too bright to have been tricked into marriage – I’d suggest he is equally as “stupid” as he perceives you to be.

But, hold that thought. Expressing it to him is likely to generate unhelpful conflict.

Remove yourself when he’s abusive, and, at least for a time, hold your tongue. The less you respond the greater will be the possibility that he will hear his own cruelty. For a few days, even weeks, offer no comeback to stoke his fire or stroke his foolishness.

Then, when the atmosphere is right (few couples fight round the clock) initiate a conversation. Tell him how his words damage both of you, how unattractive it is to be labeled, debased. Suggest his callousness says nothing about you and everything about him. Inform him that even “stupid women” have limits to accommodating abuse, and that he ought to seek professional help before he grinds all the goodwill out of his marriage forever.

2 Comments to “My husband calls me stupid…”

  1. This woman’s query reminded me of a friend’s situation. (The husband’s father had apparently also done the same thing to his wife, so there was a pattern there). As the situation became more and more intolerable, my friend eventually sought counselling, thinking she was the one with the problem, and then when the counsellor saw the husband, he showed his true colours. Down through the years I had caught a couple of glimpses of what he was probably really like, and therefore what he was probably like with her, but had not realised how bad it was (the husband kept his negative behaviour private, when they were on their own, although I don’t know how much the children were aware, since the oldest child has grown up very cynical). In public, they seemed like a wonderful, happy, well-adjusted family, so everyone was shocked when their marriage hit the rocks. The wife gave him an ultimatum and asked him to leave, and after counselling proved fruitless, the marriage ended in divorce because the husband could not/ would not acknowledge that he had a problem.
    I may add that they (parents and children) are all very bright, but intellectual intelligence does not equate with emotional intelligence.

  2. Hey Rod,

    This is a great post. I believe that coming to the same level of functioning does help a lot.
    Thanks for this post.

    Be Blessed!

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