To the man or woman who wants to bridge, or negotiate healing, or initiate restoration, in a new or age-old family conflict:

• Know clearly what you want before you initiate any dialogue. I hope the “you” is clear. It’s not what your spouse wants. It’s not what you think your parents (living or deceased) want. It’s what you want. If you are the one who wants it (healing, reconciliation) you’d best be very honest with yourself about exactly what it is you want. “I want reconciliation,” is not enough. What degrees of reconciliation are you willing to settle for? If you can’t get all of what you want how much compromise can you handle?
• Find the most humble version of yourself and live there for a few weeks. This will permit you to enter the world of those who oppose. When and if you do meet, bring the most humble version of yourself to the meeting. This means you will listen more than you will talk and, in doing so, you will seek understand more than to be understood.
• You are not ready for reconciliation until you are able to articulate the conflict from all sides. Work on that before you initiate any dialogue.

The Mercury – Tuesday

To Whom It May Concern: How to Love Your Backbone

A backbone is one of those “use it or lose it” things.

In order to love it you have to find it.

Some men and women have been filleted. This can be done swiftly, or painstakingly slowly by life, “love”, family, or by church.

If it was done some time ago its presence may be hard for you to fathom and locate.

But, complete filleting is possible with fish, but not humans. It’s in there. You just have to want to find it.

Second, you have to acknowledge its usefulness.

You have to see its purpose, its role in propelling you to face yourself and the world.

Third – you have to practice.

You have to show up, stand up, and speak up, even if it is in small ways about seemingly insignificant matters.

If you start with nonthreatening situations, perhaps where you have been a pushover in the past, you’ll get used to the feel of your backbone.

Once you begin to trust its usefulness you will like it more and more and begin to use it in more important situations like your intimate relationships, at work, with your parents, your children, or even, if you are a pastor, with your congregation.

The Mercury

Are you a therapist who believes you can’t change others but you can only change yourself?

What I believe may appear paradoxical:

I believe I can only change only myself but my powers to do so are limited. For instance, in the past 10 months I have lost 18 Kg (40 pounds). Keep in mind that I’ve done this at least 20 other times in my adult life!

I believe I am powerless over changing others and shudder at the thought of what changes I’d make if I could. Think about it. Playing God comes with consequence. Yet, I have seen people grow as a result of our knowing each other.

I believe that if I set out to change others the push back, which may take years, perverts the relationship. It results in emotional ducking and diving (hide and seek) which distorts or perverts the freedom and purity all humans crave.

I believe that RELATIONSHIP itself has remarkable power to changes us. We make, shape, and provoke each other. We stimulate each other to great, wonderful things. The converse is, of course, sadly, also true.

I believe all change begins with unilateral forgiveness, the decision to be generous, and a shoring up of both internal and external boundaries.

Mercury / Friday

Healthy steps anyone can take in order to improve his or her relationships

1. Define yourself, not others.

2. Ask your own questions and not for the benefit of others (others can ask their own questions).

3. Forgive everyone, everything. It’s about you, not those who’ve hurt or offended you.

4. Clarify as much as possible before you agree to anything. Greater clarity before you start anything will usually result in fewer complications and confusions as things progress. This is not foolproof by any means but it is usually helpful.

5. Get out of the middle. Don’t play carrier pigeon for anyone for any reason, not even for your children.

6. Avoid hinting at what you want or do not want – be as “upfront” as possible. If you expect others to read your mind you’ll be victim to their peculiarities and their unresolved complexities.

7. Don’t take sides among friends, even if it is clear one is wrong and one is right. Siding among friends is not helpful in the long term.

8. Don’t gossip. If you cannot say something directly to someone don’t say it about him or her to others.

9. Tell the truth. It’s usually better than anything you can fabricate.

10. Lead when it necessary; follow when it is necessary. If you’re not doing both something’s wrong somewhere.

11. Don’t talk negatively about your boss – if you have to complain do it face-to-face with the boss.

12. Never write anonymously. If you can’t sign it, don’t write it. There are unusual exceptions but I won’t go into those right now.

Things you don’t want, and, what you do want in your family, church, business, school, or not-for-profit organization:

• You do not want peacekeeping. Peacekeeping is the often-nervous dance to avoid conflict. It seeks to protect everyone’s feelings and wants everyone to look as if they get along (even when they don’t). It accommodates weaknesses to the extreme all in the name of care. You do want peacemaking. It creates an environment where necessary conflict is welcomed and, when handled well, the outcome is an enduring and authentic peace.

• You don’t want scripted opinions and conversations which satisfy some imagined or hoped-for image. You do want freedom to think and to express opinions that may be contrary to the party line.

• You don’t want uniformity and sameness so lock-step ways seep into thinking, speaking, and acting (and then lead ultimately to resentment and cut-offs). You do want unity around established goals with the accompanying freedom to challenge and modify the goals as needed.

• You don’t want a “yes-sir” or “yes-mam” culture where the parent or the boss is always right and always affirmed and seldom challenged. You do want a respectful, free environment where a necessary “no-sir” and “no-mam” are considered sometimes necessary and healthy and are respected and encouraged.