March 20, 2023
by Rod Smith
What does respect look like?
Respect is placing high value on privacy, even, perhaps especially, between and among people who are very intimate with each other. The deeper and greater the intimacy, the greater the need for individual space, even opportunities for extended solitude.
Respect is listening, it’s having the willingness to focus on what another is saying without correcting, interpreting, or interrupting. It’s developing an eye for what another may need or want and looking for ways to serve one another. It’s having an eye for mood and occasion, the ability to read a moment and to sense when strong emotions may call for deeper understanding.
Respect is having an ear for what is not said. It’s the capacity to read between the lines, to discern what may be uncomfortable to express. It is developing an ear to honour what another finds painful, the ability to understand that loved ones may hide pain, may want pain concealed, from some, but not from all.
Respect is found in the appropriate use of touch, touch to affirm, the kind of that says “You are not alone,” and expresses warmth, declaring the pleasure it is to share life with another.
[Merc 3/20/23]
Posted in Addictions, Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships |
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June 13, 2018
by Rod Smith
If you are desperate, perhaps wondering if life is worth living or even contemplating ending yours, there are a few things I would like you to know:
- You are more loved and treasured than you probably realize.
- Your voice is your most powerful weapon. Let someone know about your experience.
- You have abilities and talents you are yet to discover.
- Your life is a novel worth writing.
- If you are still breathing you have the capacity to love.
- Even if you have encountered rejection and faced failure for most of your life you still have the capacity to forgive and to love. Both capacities come with the human package.
- There are people who will listen if you let them know you want to talk.
- You have probably already faced more demanding challenges so you do have the resources to face this one.
You are correct if you respond with, “He doesn’t know me” or “he’s thousands of miles away.” Being far removed does not mean that I do not care. And, I am not the only one who cares. Please, let these simple thoughts seep into your being and perhaps become stepping-stones for you to find hope.
Posted in Addictions, Affairs, Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Pornography, Reactivity, suicide |
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May 29, 2018
by Rod Smith
Extended or immediate family discontent, even family rage, is more easily solved, healed, or negotiated sooner rather than later. Wait too long and it may go on for generations.
The longer schisms linger, the deeper they become and the more entrenched and “default” the reactive behaviors become. Bitterness, cynicism set in. Cut-offs become a way of life. Walls get higher and stronger.
The stories about who did what to who expand, often beyond recognition, in the heads of those who harbor and perpetuate the conflict.
To find healing or reconciliation, the “bigger” person, or the stronger member of the family, or the one who has the highest levels of “differentiation of self,” the one who wants the healing, initiates a conversation. That conversation must be devoid of all blame and all finger pointing. He or she does the necessary preparation and decides exactly what is wanted and what healing in a particular family may look like. Such an initiative demands humility, flexibility, and a deep desire for reconciliation.
Some families have been at war with each other for so long those who started it are long buried and those on the front lines do not even know anymore why they are fighting.
Please, don’t let that be true for you and for your family.
The consequences are too extreme, especially for innocent children who are inevitably caught in the crossfire.
Posted in Addictions, Affairs, Anger, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family Systems Theory, High maintenance relationships |
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March 20, 2018
by Rod Smith
If you’re toying with the idea of an extramarital affair or with the idea of cheating on your partner, may I caution you? Affairs are seductive. They are seductive, not because they woo you into false intimacy, but because affairs lure you away from your crucible of authentic growth, your committed relationship. This is where maturity and fulfillment are available.
An illicit relationship won’t teach you anything worth learning. It will reveal you as one who lacks integrity. It’s a character issue. It’s not about getting the sex you need or the companionship you crave.
If your marriage is not working an affair won’t enduringly help.
The one who is toying with the idea of an extramarital affair is unlikely to even read, let alone heed these words. Attraction is powerful. It’ blinds. The victims of infidelity can seem propelled on a course of self-destruction. The heat of the chase, the heat of the moment, the rush of the deceit and the intricacies of the cover-up can feel like amazing love. It’s not.
Go home. Make right with your spouse, or do whatever you need to do.
An affair won’t heal a lonely heart or help your troubled marriage. It’ll further damage both.
Posted in Addictions, Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Family, High maintenance relationships |
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February 6, 2018
by Rod Smith
Love leads to listening, freedom, warmth, care, and mutual support. It’s sharing dreams; it’s facing challenges together. It’s pooling resources for mutual benefit. It’s providing a safe place for each other and for any children with whom you share your life.
Love is not love when:
- Coercion is threatened or used
- There are attempts to seclude or cut off from family and friends
- Betrayal is threatened or used
- Love is used to trap, manipulate, or possess
- Confinement is threatened or used – car keys hidden, doors locked, plans cancelled without consultation or knowledge
- Privacy is denied (rooms, cupboards, purses, phone, computer, email, conversations)
- Traps are set to test fidelity
- Stalking, watching, tracking of any manner is threatened or used
- Attempt at important talk repeatedly escalate to shouting matches
- Violence of any kind (physical, sexual, emotional, psychological) of any degree of severity is used
- Warmth, kindness expressed to others (old friends, family, former colleagues) is given as the reason for jealousy and conflict
- When the use of alcohol or legal or illegal substances deplete mutual resources and lead to aberrant behavior or conflict
Posted in Addictions, Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness |
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January 15, 2018
by Rod Smith
“Today is the 1st anniversary of discovering that my lady friend had been having an affair over the previous month with a fast-talking operator who is half my age. She told me it was over, a mere a flash in the pan for which she felt neither remorse nor regret.
“The revelation was devastating and reduced me to an emotional wreck. Over the next two months I was almost suicidal and had to seek professional help. I still loved her; I attempted to recover with the assistance of a therapist and researched depression and heartbreak. I lurched from one temporary separation to the next but was always so pleased to reconcile that it seemed the hurt was receding. That was until the next crisis surfaced.
“Then I read your column on forgiveness and experienced a wonderful epiphany. Suddenly I realized that I was punishing myself for actions for which I was not responsible. A huge cloud lifted and healing began. Today, a year later, I have absolutely no painful memories of the incident, feel rejuvenated and bear no resentments.
Thank you so much for your advice.”
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Grace, Grief, Love, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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November 26, 2017
by Rod Smith
The Mercury / Tuesday
I’ve seen women and men painstakingly pick up pieces of their lives after a broken marriage.
This is necessary, natural, and understandable. Deep love, when it ends, at least for one party, is scarily disorientating.
Some never recover. A broken heart can really cause a slow (or a quick) death.
Perhaps you are you tripping over evidence of a terminated relationship. Letters, photographs, or books seem to appear from nowhere and evoke fresh pains or salt for the wounds.
A purge may be necessary, but it’s not for all.
The loot may be all you have. It can become a crucial stepping-stone to greater health. Or it can be a debilitating anchor.
I’ve been confused about why some friendships have ended. I examine memories for clues to what, how, and why things went wrong.
There are times this is unnecessary.
My damaging role is painfully clear.
The pain I caused is deep for others and obvious to me. And, my own and deserved pain is utterly near.
What do we do with our pain – deserved or not?
Options are unlimited once confession occurs.
Confession, of course, does not mean mutual forgiveness is inevitable. It’s not.
Options broaden with confession and commitment to learn from the past.
Posted in Addictions, Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Education, Faith, Family Systems Theory, Grace, Grief, Listening, Manipulation, Meditation, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Responsive people, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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September 9, 2017
by Rod Smith
People who are more defined, more separate, and who can live without each other are more likely to stay together in a long-lasting committed relationship than those who are very close and can’t live without each other. Even trees need space. So do people.
When a relationship is faltering people want to analyze it, work on it, talk about it and fix it; when relief and healing my indeed come from benignly ignoring the relationship as each participant commits to working on him or herself. Declaring personal goals and dreams that may have zero to do with the faltering relationship can go a long way toward its healing.
Childhoods are important (of course) and a happy one is what any reasonable parent strives to give a child, but, not every relationship malady or personal failing can be placed at the foot of flawed parenting or childhood trauma.
Understanding and talking about matters is not always helpful and is not always the golden key to possible solutions. Sometimes people have to simply change unhelpful habits, get off the couch and work harder and stop rehashing excuses for their behavior or searching for its source in a troubled childhood.
Posted in Addictions, Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace |
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July 24, 2017
by Rod Smith
When relating to a family – be it to one or many members of a family – ignoring or discounting blood-ties or invisible loyalties is done at peril, even if it is at the family’s invitation and if the family is experiencing considerable turmoil.
If a relationship is professional (helper, counselor, coach, teacher, head of school, pastor, or health-care worker), or if it involves befriending or dating a member of a family, blood is and almost always will be thicker that non-blood, and any insertion by an outsider into the family that violates the invisible loyalties (even when invited) will not occur without retaliation.
Ignoring, discounting, or dismissing invisible loyalties is the emotional equivalent of swinging from live power-lines.
While invisible loyalties often defy logic and can be thoroughly irrational, while they can appear to switch without notice and can be denied even while their enforcement may be glaringly obvious to an outsider, messing with blood loyalties will be rewarded in ways the intruder will regret.
The wise “outsider” – a paid professional, an educator, or a person who is invited into the family as an intimate, the wise outsider respects the blood, the pre-existing bonds, even if they appear to be unhelpful or destructive binds.
[This phenomenon is tough to identify but it explains something of how and why some people really never become “part of the family”, why step-parenting is so very difficult for many families, and why family business is so hard to do well.]
Posted in Addictions, Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness |
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April 22, 2017
by Rod Smith
Nine simple truths –
May they be your first thoughts every morning and may they infiltrate your every move and every relationship:
I am….
- To be respected and treasured and able to respect and treasure all other people.
- Capable of expressing my opinions and will do so with growing and greater confidence.
- Uniquely gifted and my gifts are useful to my immediate and broader community.
- As unique as the proverbial snowflake and yet part of the human family, tainted with its vulnerabilities, failures, and frailties.
- Capable of forgiving the worst of offenses I have endured, and capable of seeking forgiveness for the worst offenses I have committed.
- Able to encourage the discouraged and offer hope to the hopeless.
- Unafraid of the talents of others and able and willing to help others find their greatness.
- Capable of becoming the most generous person I know.
- My own best friend so that I may be a friend to others.
Posted in Addictions, Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Love, Responsive people, Voice, Womanhood, Young Love |
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