Respect is placing high value on privacy, even, perhaps especially, between and among people who are very intimate with each other. The deeper and greater the intimacy, the greater the need for individual space, even opportunities for extended solitude.
Respect is listening, it’s having the willingness to focus on what another is saying without correcting, interpreting, or interrupting. It’s developing an eye for what another may need or want and looking for ways to serve one another. It’s having an eye for mood and occasion, the ability to read a moment and to sense when strong emotions may call for deeper understanding.
Respect is having an ear for what is not said. It’s the capacity to read between the lines, to discern what may be uncomfortable to express. It is developing an ear to honour what another finds painful, the ability to understand that loved ones may hide pain, may want pain concealed, from some, but not from all.
Respect is found in the appropriate use of touch, touch to affirm, the kind of that says “You are not alone,” and expresses warmth, declaring the pleasure it is to share life with another.
If you fall in love (or are friends) with a man or a woman who reveals having had a very difficult childhood there are a few things of which you may want to be aware.
Keep in mind that I am only one voice in a vastly explored arena. It is usually a good idea to get lots of insights from several sources.
Sad thing is that if you have already fallen in love you probably won’t be looking for help.
If you are, it’s because you’ve already begun to see how tough it is to love tough-historied people. (I rather like my euphemism).
“Troubled” or “unsettled” are pejorative terms.
Avoid them.
People from tough backgrounds can be very exciting, motivated and “world-changing” people.
If you are going to be partners you have to learn and understand what kind of music is playing in their heads and hearts and how they dance to it or turn it up or turn it down or turn it off (if they ever can).
They will often be way ahead of most people in terms of being street wise. They have had to be. They have been watching, negotiating, recruiting, debating and have had to have an eye for undercurrents for so long such behaviors are a way of life for them.
They will usually be cunningly intelligent but also possess zero desire to bring harm to you or others.
More about this sometime….
Artist: Trevor Beach – google him or find him on Facebook and buy his art. The above and another hangs in my office. I enjoy the idea that an artist named Beach seems only to paint Ocean Scenes.
Why is it so hard to get obvious alcoholics to see or to admit they are addicts?
Here are the three indications (only one is needed) of an addiction whether the addict is willing to recognize them or not:
Physical craving
Loss of job or status
Loss or threat of loss of a significant relationship
For the typical alcoholic the label “alcoholic” often suggests someone who is more desperate, more out of control, than he or she perceives him or herself to be.
Many alcoholics are well-controlled men and women who have perfected the art of charade. They hold important roles in our communities and appear successful.
To admit there is a problem with alcohol (or drugs, sex, or gambling) is costly. Denial is at least perceived as the better option than exposure, than seeking help. The closet is safe, it’s routine, and there are usually family members well trained in the art of enabling.
“Rock bottom” is a frequently used term suggesting that an addict will usually resist the label or resist getting help until he or she reaches rock bottom. It’s a sad place to reach for the addict and for all who love the addict and for all who are caught up in the addict’s web of denial and survival.
If you are desperate, perhaps wondering if life is worth living or even contemplating ending yours, there are a few things I would like you to know:
You are more loved and treasured than you probably realize.
Your voice is your most powerful weapon. Let someone know about your experience.
You have abilities and talents you are yet to discover.
Your life is a novel worth writing.
If you are still breathing you have the capacity to love.
Even if you have encountered rejection and faced failure for most of your life you still have the capacity to forgive and to love. Both capacities come with the human package.
There are people who will listen if you let them know you want to talk.
You have probably already faced more demanding challenges so you do have the resources to face this one.
You are correct if you respond with, “He doesn’t know me” or “he’s thousands of miles away.” Being far removed does not mean that I do not care. And, I am not the only one who cares. Please, let these simple thoughts seep into your being and perhaps become stepping-stones for you to find hope.
Extended or immediate family discontent, even family rage, is more easily solved, healed, or negotiated sooner rather than later. Wait too long and it may go on for generations.
The longer schisms linger, the deeper they become and the more entrenched and “default” the reactive behaviors become. Bitterness, cynicism set in. Cut-offs become a way of life. Walls get higher and stronger.
The stories about who did what to who expand, often beyond recognition, in the heads of those who harbor and perpetuate the conflict.
To find healing or reconciliation, the “bigger” person, or the stronger member of the family, or the one who has the highest levels of “differentiation of self,” the one who wants the healing, initiates a conversation. That conversation must be devoid of all blame and all finger pointing. He or she does the necessary preparation and decides exactly what is wanted and what healing in a particular family may look like. Such an initiative demands humility, flexibility, and a deep desire for reconciliation.
Some families have been at war with each other for so long those who started it are long buried and those on the front lines do not even know anymore why they are fighting.
Please, don’t let that be true for you and for your family.
The consequences are too extreme, especially for innocent children who are inevitably caught in the crossfire.
“I think my wife (4 years) is drinking too much. She says it relieves her stress. I sometimes join her. If I refuse she badgers, calls me playful names, and gets out of control after a few. It’s always at home. It’s always just the two of us. It’s unpleasant if I won’t join her. I think she is an alcoholic or at least almost one. We are still hoping to have children. I am nervous about her drinking when she pregnant. I am nervous about life with an alcoholic. I saw what my mother went through with my father. How do I get her help?”
An informal way to assess if a behavior is already (or becoming) an addiction is as follows:
Does the person experience cravings for the substance?
Has a job or status been lost because of the activity?
Has a significant relationship been threatened or lost because of the behavior?
If any one is positive the person is an addict or well on the way to being one.
Addicts don’t usually enjoy or respond well to exposure or confrontation. Denial is the usual response. In the cold light of a sober morning-moment, express your fears to your wife. Show her this column. She might not buckle and agree to run for help immediately or warm to either of us, but it may well set her sober mind thinking.
If you’re toying with the idea of an extramarital affair or with the idea of cheating on your partner, may I caution you? Affairs are seductive. They are seductive, not because they woo you into false intimacy, but because affairs lure you away from your crucible of authentic growth, your committed relationship. This is where maturity and fulfillment are available.
An illicit relationship won’t teach you anything worth learning. It will reveal you as one who lacks integrity. It’s a character issue. It’s not about getting the sex you need or the companionship you crave.
If your marriage is not working an affair won’t enduringly help.
The one who is toying with the idea of an extramarital affair is unlikely to even read, let alone heed these words. Attraction is powerful. It’ blinds. The victims of infidelity can seem propelled on a course of self-destruction. The heat of the chase, the heat of the moment, the rush of the deceit and the intricacies of the cover-up can feel like amazing love. It’s not.
Go home. Make right with your spouse, or do whatever you need to do.
An affair won’t heal a lonely heart or help your troubled marriage. It’ll further damage both.
Love leads to listening, freedom, warmth, care, and mutual support. It’s sharing dreams; it’s facing challenges together. It’s pooling resources for mutual benefit. It’s providing a safe place for each other and for any children with whom you share your life.
Love is not love when:
Coercion is threatened or used
There are attempts to seclude or cut off from family and friends
Betrayal is threatened or used
Love is used to trap, manipulate, or possess
Confinement is threatened or used – car keys hidden, doors locked, plans cancelled without consultation or knowledge
Privacy is denied (rooms, cupboards, purses, phone, computer, email, conversations)
Traps are set to test fidelity
Stalking, watching, tracking of any manner is threatened or used
Attempt at important talk repeatedly escalate to shouting matches
Violence of any kind (physical, sexual, emotional, psychological) of any degree of severity is used
Warmth, kindness expressed to others (old friends, family, former colleagues) is given as the reason for jealousy and conflict
When the use of alcohol or legal or illegal substances deplete mutual resources and lead to aberrant behavior or conflict
Covering for someone so outsiders do not notice or find out about his or her undesirable behavior (drinking, gambling, addictive habits).
Relaying lies to a workplace – calling in to say he or she is ill when he or she is unable to work because of the addiction.
Permitting, turning a blind-eye, cooperating, letting things go unnoticed to keep the peace or because it feel easier.
Enabling behaviors are often subtle way of disguising who it is in a family who is in need of help. The enabler often appears to be the strong or the healthy one. Control is the name of the game – and family life can feel like one.
Empowering is common in healthy families.
It can involve:
Getting out of each other’s way so people can learn from errors and get credit for their successes.
Allowing natural consequences to follow choices so people can learn just how powerful really are.
Trusting and believing in each other even when things do not go to plan or appear to be falling apart.
Empowered people require the company of other empowered people and all require a strong sense of self. Freedom to discover and to learn are the hallmark of the empowered.
When referring to my brother’s generosity I wrote that I believe generosity is among several of the most powerful human abilities. I’ve seen it time and again do its fabulous work.
Here are more of what I believe to be innate human capacities.
Exercised, they make us “more human.” Neglected or ignored, I believe they render us rather cold, even inhuman:
The capacity to forgive even the most grievous offenses – yes, of course it’s hard, but NOT doing so may be even harder.
The capacity for empathy – to see and understand, but of course, not necessarily agree with, the perspective of another, even that of an enemy.
The capacity to influence for good (and, to influence for ill is bundled within the same set of human strengths). We have the power to influence – let’s hope it is used for good.
The capacity to learn from mistakes and errors, and to learn that it is possible to not repeat them.
The capacity to move up the brain and therefore allow ones self to think more objectively, engage in better long-term planning, and form the habit of responding rather than reacting.
The capacity to listen more than to speak. If we listen we may actually learn something – when we speak we are usually repeating what we think we already know.
The capacity to calm the ego rush – or the ability to see and understand that being right or recognized or winning doesn’t come close to the joy of learning to be loving.
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