July 22, 2012
by Rod Smith
Abuse exists on a continuum from mild to criminal. It can exist in any relationship be it with a spouse, with family members, a church, an employer or an employee. It can be physical (violence), emotional (intimidation), psychological (threatening, withholding, playing “mind games”) sexual, and spiritual (“speaking for God). It often begins in very subtle ways and is often couched in terms of love, concern, and protectiveness.
Here are some “red flags” or indications that abuse is occurring or may occur:
- Your will or voice or preferences are over-ridden and saying so is impossible or is ignored.
- You are unequal and treated as such even though you are an adult. You are powerless and treated as such even though you are an adult.
- Others are benefitting from your contribution to the group while the very same benefits are withheld from you. You are praised and rewarded for your role and contribution. Praise is used to keep you doing your part in padding the power and the profits of others. In the meantime your power remains out of your hands and the profits and benefits of your contribution remain out of your reach.
- Your dreams and aspirations are belittled or disregarded.
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July 20, 2012
by Rod Smith
Watch. In no time at all some will blame the parents of the infant who was shot. It’s common to blame victims in our culture.
This is a travesty. Everyone of us ought fall to the ground in grief that such a thing occur in a cinema anywhere, let alone in the USA.
Posted in Anger, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Victims, Violence |
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July 18, 2012
by Rod Smith
“Help me out. When is it acceptable for your partner to go through your phone messages and personal in-boxes? I am going through a really tough time at the moment. I’m in a bit of a toxic relationship. I know I need to let go and detach but he’s playing on my emotions and manipulating me.”
Never. It is never acceptable to open another’s mail unless specifically requested on a specific occasion.
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July 17, 2012
by Rod Smith
Is found in our connection with others (a connection sufficiently powerful so that we are not alone) and can therefore give and receive strength to and from each other. It is yet separate enough so that we not drain each other of the adventure of being unique and distinct beings. This is one of the greatest blessings accompanying our humanity and, when it fails, it becomes the source of exceedingly powerful pain.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Blended families, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Living together, Parenting/Children, Responsive people, Single parenting, Space, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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July 16, 2012
by Rod Smith
“I have been married for 40 years. I have made serious financial mistakes in our marriage largely due to extreme fear of my husband’s temper and inability to talk to him. After his father’s death two years ago my husband sought out psychics who now have him talking to his dead father. They have mapped out a new life for my husband telling him to end our marriage. No amount of begging, crying, can get him to agree to counseling. He fully believes what his new friends are telling him and nothing else matters. Our whole family believes he needs mental health evaluation. I do not know what to do. Do you have any advice? I realize counseling will be long and hard but I firmly believe you do not throw 40 years away because a psychic tells you to leave. This made sound made up, but it is the honest truth. You would not believe all the weird things he is now into.”
Convincing the convinced is impossible. Attempting to force or cajole your husband will only drive him closer to what you do not want. As difficult as it may seem, your hope lies in placing a firm focus on what you want and what you will do with your future.
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July 14, 2012
by Rod Smith
1. You experience greater OBJECTIVITY and can “see” your most important relationships as if looking at them through someone else’s eyes.
2. Despite any pain, any trauma, any uncertainty, you can see some HUMOUR in what you are experiencing even if it is short lived.
3. You are progressively gathering a small community of friends who know everything (or almost everything) about you and their SUPPORT is becoming easier to trust.
4. You are seeing with greater and greater CLARITY what are and what are not your responsibilities within your most important relationships.
5.”No” comes easier and it is not accompanied by guilt. “Yes” is your response when you really want what you agree to. You begin to BELIEVE the words you say. Your words reflect you, your desires, and are not said from guilt or the impulse to keep the peace or make others happy.
Posted in Anxiety, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Leadership, Listening, Love, Marriage, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Responsive people, Schnarch, Sexual compatibility, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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July 13, 2012
by Rod Smith
Love and control cannot co-exist in the same relationship anymore than light and dark can exist together in the same space at the same time.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Family Systems Theory, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Long distance relationships, Love, Manipulation, Past relationships, Pornography, Responsive people, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Triggers, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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July 12, 2012
by Rod Smith
There is no good reason ever why any person ought tolerate poor treatment from another.
You teach people how to treat you.
I know you may feel trapped and without an escape route or a friend in the world, but you must get help if this post is reaching deeply into you.
Posted in Affairs, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Grace, High maintenance relationships, Love, Manipulation, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Sex education, Sexual abuse, Spousal abuse, Triangles, Triggers, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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July 11, 2012
by Rod Smith
“‘Leave your husband,’ the articles say. Yes, because it is always the male of the relationship who is attributed any symptoms. I got news for you partner, in every relationship that I have ever been in it has been the woman, not the man. Oh, I know, what a hateful thing to say because all women are obviously innocent little angels. Give me a break people! In nine out of ten cases, the woman is always the problem in the relationship. Always! My present partner exhibits bad relationship habits and at the risk of my mental health and the mental health of our daughter, not to mention the nine other children that she has left to rot all over the country. Women are inconsiderate, lazy and hateful. They are selfish and have absolutely no control over their emotions. Plain and simple truth and everyone knows it. It is time to wake up people and stop hiding behind the guise of political correctness. Especially when the only humans made to sit within the legal bounds of politically correct speech is males.” (Minimal edits)
And you, sir, I bet are an absolute delight to know. In all of your ranting, did you ever consider what it is that repeatedly attracts you to such troubled women?
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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July 8, 2012
by Rod Smith
- Swimming is the same as having a bath or taking a shower.
- Taking a real bath or shower using actual soap and shampoo makes you clean for four days.
- Licking your fingers is the same as washing your hands.
- Turning your clothing inside out it is the same as putting on clean clothes.
- Eating an apple is the same as brushing your teeth.
- Putting on a shirt by pulling it over your head combs your hair.
- Making your bed wastes playing time because you get into it at night.
- Eating potato chips gives you all the vegetables you need.
- Tidying a bedroom is ridiculous if you can already see any part of the floor or carpet.
- Sleeping wastes play time except on school days.
- You can climb and throw anything if you really want to.
- Flossing and flushing should be avoided.
- Bodies of water must be disturbed, no matter how peaceful or beautiful, you must throw something into it be it a pond, a pool, or the ocean.
- Lit candles anywhere, like on a birthday cake or on a table in a restaurant must be disturbed; they must NEVER be left alone.
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