My ex-husband and I are continually at war about when he can see our son. He changes plans and I have to re-arrange things. My son (5) doesn’t seem to care if he sees his dad or not and I am starting to think it is not worth the bother. My ex is a very kind man, he is just very busy and cannot always predict his work schedule. Please help.

Being “at war” with a “kind man” must be preferable to “war” with one who is unkind. Your acknowledgment of his kindness is, I suspect, as healthy as your acknowledgment that his inconsistencies are apparently the result of variables outside of his control.

Your son’s appearance to not care about seeing his dad ought not fool you. The child probably feels caught up in your frustrations and knows that demonstrating his desire to see his father may further upset you. Don’t underestimate a child’s ability to play the role of peacekeeper.

Cooperate all you can to get your son to his dad as often as is pleasing to both parents. The likelihood of your paying a stiff price later on, if the boy perceives you as having kept him from his dad, is very strong.

tread wisely, don't bleed.....

If you are staying or going don’t bleed, spread rumors, or generate further confusion. Don’t talk to people on the ‘outside’ or ruin the perceptions of innocent parties. Use your “I” voice, not a “we” voice. Speak only of your own perceptions and only when specifically asked. Be a “step-down” transformer (one who reduces anxiety) rather than a “step-up” transformer (one who escalates or amplifies anxiety).

Try to listen more than you talk. Resist rumors and “toxic talk” by stopping it in its tracks.

Resist the natural urge to confuse the work environment with family. Your workplace might be “like a family” but it is not. Families usually accommodate immature behavior. Workplaces usually cannot afford it. Workplaces hire and fire; families usually don’t.

Remember there are no “closed” doors or absolutely private conversations. Everything you say must pass through your internal filter of: “Is it true, helpful, kind, necessary?” It is truly a remarkable day when a person discovers that not everything he or she thinks or feels has to be expressed.

How you respond under stress (even under perceived unfairness) will speak volumes about the kind of human you are. How you go (terminate, depart, say goodbye) may invalidate everything you accomplished while employed.

Do not be cornered.....

It is, as you say, a bad idea for most families to get into business together. It gets messy. If your son does take HIS life, it will not be because of anything you have or have not done. This is what suicide is — it is SELF inflicted. I hope this is NOT the choice he makes.

I’d suggest you give him no money at all. He is NO longer a child. He needs medical, not financial help. He will not grow up and he will not do well while you are bailing him out.

If you do not help you will not CAUSE anything to occur to him or to his children. It is HIS family and HIS responsibility. Let him know this as soon as possible and then STICK to your word.

I will also mourn if your son makes dumb choices (and I am a stranger) BUT until he sees that his life and future are fully in his hands you will have this noose around your neck.

Your mothering is OVER. Focus on you and your husband.