The challenge of facing hard times is not to make the  times harder for others. A skillful person is careful not to contaminate others with his or her difficulties. It’s probably possible to lighten another’s load despite the difficulties you are facing. 

The challenge of facing hard times is to learn new things about yourself in the midst of your challenges. Hurdles and roadblocks expose our weaknesses and our strengths. Focusing on weaknesses is a waste of energy. Highlighting your strengths will bring you hope. 

The challenge of facing hard times is to do what you can to acquire new skills to empower yourself for when things become easier. It is possible to emerge from the difficult times more empowered to face the future.

The challenge of facing hard times is to not allow the difficulties to drag you into memories and the anxieties of former tough times. This leads to deeper despair. Such thinking can spiral a person into a place of almost impossible hopelessness.

The challenge of facing hard times is to remember what you’re really good at and to be reminded that none of that has changed. You’re still good at these things and these skills and qualities will carry you into the future when things ease up.

Unless you are in a coma or have a diagnosed psychiatric condition, as an adult you are always responsible for:

• What comes out of your mouth –  your words, curses, blaming, expressions of anger, spreading joy, and the beautiful acts of encouraging others.

• What goes into your mouth: food (healthy, unhealthy), alcohol, drugs (legal, illegal) and whatever you may choose to smoke. 

• What you do with your heart – who you give it to and from whom you withhold it.

• What you do with your hands – how hard you work (or not) and what you give and take (legally,  illegally). 

• Your personal boundaries, personal space – who you let in or keep out, much you will or will not reveal about yourself. 

• What you do with your head, your mind, your thinking – if you live in eternal regret or if you look ahead and plan a greater future than your past.

• Where you aim your spirit and soul – for some it is money, prestige, influence and for some it is to serve others. The occasional person can do both. 

• What you do with your money – if you are rich or if you are in a financial struggle, until you take necessary power over your finances it will have power over you.      

My father, EWG Smith, General Dealer, was the most generous man I have ever known. He’d pack boxes of groceries and deliver them to needy families from our grocery shop in Red Hill. “You are supposed to sell stuff, Ernest!” our mother would say. “What if it were us, Mavis?” was his stock reply.”

EWG served on the HMS Dorsetshire. Hardly out of his teenage years he survived her sinking. Consequently he was a man deeply engraved with the shock and the awe of World War II. The war years left him with grace, humor, and an appreciation of the goodness and terror of which all humans are capable. “Nearer my God, to Thee,” was his favorite hymn. He told of hundreds of men singing in harmony while afloat in life-vests hoping for rescue. 

He loved music and fancied himself an undiscovered Frank Sinatra. He’d come to the Oyster Box Hotel where my band played and give me a wink as he danced by. I’d announce we had a special guest and invite them to welcome EWG onto the bandstand. With great flourish he’d grab the microphone and croon any one of his favorites and glow in applause. 

This was among few favors I could give him in return for the life-long hard work he’d given me.

What matters*? 

People matter. How we treat people matters. How we treat all people matters. How we respect and treat those with whom we are close, say we love, those whom we encounter at arms length, or not encounter at all, matters. 

It matters much. 

How we treat those with whom we disagree matters as much as how we treat those whom we claim to love. 

How we treat all others (near, far, loved, known, unknown, different, current family, former family, those on the other side of the political aisle) is a litmus test on our spirituality. It’s a test of our holiness if we claim to represent a faith or not. 

It’s a biopsy of our integrity – no matter who we are or what positions we may hold – megachurch pastor or atheist. 

How we treat all others says nothing (zero, zilch) whatsoever about others. 

How we treat others is a window – a large open window – revealing volumes about us, no matter how hard we may try to keep it closed, barred, and the blackout curtains taped shut. 

How we treat people matters for many reasons, one being it mirrors the love and respect we have for ourselves.

We love others as we love ourselves. 

The same is true for hate, rejection, and contempt. 

*I am always my first reader and audience – you may not need this, but I do.

If you are facing struggles, hurdles, you are set for healthy growth.

If you want it.

Allowing yourself to regard challenges as stepping stones to self-discovery will help you uncover remarkable strengths already residing within you.

These strengths can be harnessed and then employed through determined and scheduled reflection.

This done, you will discover:

• You have the capacity to find healthy humor in almost any circumstance. It is a rare and extreme day when life is devoid of all humor. It happens, but it is rare.

• You are able to uncover some remarkable beauty in every person you meet. Yes, even in (insert any name you want or don’t want).

• You have the capacity to find understanding and insight in the most confusing and challenging of circumstances. Some distance or objectivity is first required.

• You have it in you to forgive others to a degree some will find unreasonable, irrational, and impossible. It’s your choice – not theirs.

• You have the humility to appreciate that wherever you are in life, no matter how successful or acknowledged or accomplished, you did not reach this place alone. There are no self-made individuals. Self-ruined? Yes. Self-made? No.

• You have the heart to want the best for others, even those who demonstrate no interest in your highest good. This is naked Grace. You have it.

The Mercury / Monday

Simple ways to improve all relationships:

• Discuss expectations no matter how casual or intimate any relationship is. The more you ignore and leave unsaid the more you leave to misinterpretation.

• If it sounds too good to be true it almost always is. Avoiding due diligence may lead you away from immediate disappointment but, if it is too good to be true you’re going to discover it sooner or later.

• Talk about the money. If it’s as close and long-lasting as marriage, or so casual and impersonal as wanting to make a buck mowing your lawn, talk about the money. Don’t leave things “up in the air” for either party. Talk about when, how, and the how much, no matter how brief or intimate the commitment. Conversations about money may, of course, be inappropriate during a first job interview but be sure you have it before contracts are signed. Clarity trumps avoidance, always.

• Healthy relationships are mutual, respectful, and equal. If it is as permanent as marriage or as temporary as installing your new dishwasher. Avoid all other varieties.

• Talk about fish if something smells fishy. If you have a hunch that something is not quite honest (you have never met his children after dating for a year, she disappears for weeks and re-enters when needing money) then, talk about it. Silence may buy you “helpful” denial but it will cost you in the end.

The Mercury / Wednesday

Take nothing not legitimately yours…..

Most of us do not need to be reminded not to steal. Such values are burned into us from very early childhood.

There are other ways to steal.

I see people (and I see it in me) assuming power, control, influence, and seeking information not intended for them.

Such “theft” – or over-functioning, is often applauded, even considered spiritual.

When people assume control, power, or seek information and influence that it not legitimately theirs, it results in others not having to take responsibility for themselves and burnout for he or she who thus over-functions.

Here are a few clues to such behavior:

· Doing someone else’s work just to be sure it gets done

· Following up – making sure something is done even if it’s someone else’s responsibility

· Asking questions about things that are none of your business

· Spreading half-truths or lies to steer things

· Backseat driving – in and out of a car – even if there’s no car

· Disciplining other people’s children (covertly or overtly) without the authority or role to do so

· “Running” things that are not yours to run.

Assume all legitimate power, control, and influence when it comes to you and your family and your work and your roles in every aspect of your life.

Leave all the rest alone.

How much information a couple should discuss after an affair has been disclosed if and when the couple decides to stay married and work things through?

I would rather respond with several broad post-affair principles:

Infidelity is often a lethal blow to any marriage.

The couple who remains married post-affair deserves all support possible and no “outside judgement.” The couple will experience fragility, nervousness, expressions of lack of mutual trust, and moments of regression even after claiming to have forgiven.

One may want to “move on” and the other will want to examine and understand the past. Sometimes they will shift positions. 

Recovery is a process, a long process, not an event. 

The man or woman who wants to “remain friends” with the “other party” is not ready for the affair to end. In the past I have suggested the betrayed spouse confront the “other party” but I have come to see that this is not always wise. It can unnecessarily exacerbate hurt and often serve no useful purpose. 

I advise betrayed men and women not ask questions if the truth will be unbearable. It takes remarkable resilience to ”live with” and to forgive if too much detail and information has been shared. Too much information can send the betrayed person on extended and unhelpful wild goose chases.

Is it possible to survive an affair?

Yes, I have seen it many, many times.

• The growing awareness that it is the client, and only the client, who can change his or her behavior and therefore his or her life, with the understanding that even power over oneself is limited.

• The realization that no one needs or deserves to be a victim or to be treated as one no matter what has transpired in the past.

• The joy that follows “small” successes that have occurred and which resulted from choices that may have caused severe pain and nervousness in the making.

• The development of deeper trust in the therapist and in the therapeutic process while also appreciating and recognizing the limitations of both.

• The reports from the client that he or she is learning to understand and use his or her voice and God-given power with others who may have, in the past, tended to disrespect or ignore both.

• The developing ability to reduce dependence and reliance on what others think and on the affirmation and positive feedback of others.

• The capacity to begin to see a brighter future that is more fulfilling than a past or the circumstances that drew him or her into therapy in the first place.