Archive for June, 2023

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June 29, 2023

Happy?

by Rod Smith

When conversations occur with strangers – a dwindling pronomen with humanity’s baptism into the Internet, cell-phones and obsessive scrolling – the “what do you do for a living?” question is often asked.

People offer a version of “all I want to be is happy.”

“What does that look like, what does that mean? How will you know when you are?” is met with confusion.

I get the impression I am supposed to know, that there is common knowledge of what it means to be happy.

I’d suggest happiness is the fruit of seeking and finding a meaningful place within a community. It is to “cut your coat according to your cloth.” It is a by-product of having several equal, respectful relationships, relationships where you are not in charge, calling the shots, determining everything but are playing your unique part in mutual endeavors. 

It is to be wildly generous with possessions, resources, time. 

Happiness is the result of an inward journey to shed aged resentments and petty grievances and to shed even those that are not so petty, even well-earned,  and not so aged. 

Without a conscious inward journey we will be trying to settle past scores, issues which will continue to disrupt the present and guide the future into emotional pothole after pothole of unresolved history where happiness will remain elusive and beyond reach.

Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Education, Faith, Family | 1 Comment »

June 27, 2023

Home

by Rod Smith

A few weeks ago I told people I was going home. 

I was referring to South Africa.

This evening I will board a Delta flight and, yes, I’m going home. This time it’s to a small town in Indiana.

Sometimes people ask me about my small town in Indiana, “what’s it like”, and I say it’s like Mooi River in the 1960s but without the mooi and without the river and without a mountain or ocean within several hundred miles.

This said, it’s home.

My one son is there, the dogs will be excited to see me, and the mayor will wave and ask me where I’ve been as he stops at the four-way stop and sees me walking Maggie and Duke.

I know that I’ll see Rick from Rick’s Brakes and Tires (yes, that’s how it’s spelled) at church on Sunday and he’ll tell me it’s time, referring to an oil-change on my car.

A few interested friends will ask me about my trip home and I’ll tell them about the beauty of the Western Cape and how I loved buying my triplet great nephews and neice a late afternoon Wimpy lunch after a shopping spree for books at Exclusive Books in La Lucia.

“Yes.” I’ll say, “it’s good to be home.”

Posted in Communication, Education, Faith, Family, Friendship, Grace, Love | 1 Comment »

June 25, 2023

Hold my tongue

by Rod Smith

My great niece, who recently turned 21, and my sister  – the same great niece’s grandmother – are chatting within my hearing as they have done most of the day, as only my sister and any one of her many, many grandchildren can do.

Having covered most topics under the sun — updates on family around the world, the economy, vegan muffin recipes, snippets of friendships old and new, the benefits of infusion face-masks and an invitation for me to try one — the conversation transitions to recent flights.

Amy reports sitting on a plane next to an “old man” who was “so nice” and who told her all about his adult children and found her to be so interesting.

“He seemed like such a nice dad,” she reflects.

My sister listens attentively, as she is prone to do, and recalls one of her many flights where she was seated next to “some nice, very young man.”

I glance up from my computer and ask about the approximate ages of these two men, the one “old guy” and the other who is “very young.”  

“In his forties,” my niece says, “he was already in his forties.” 

Grandma thinks a little and predicts her “young guy” was at least in his mid-forties.

“It’s all about perspective,” I add, careful to hold my 68 year-old tongue.

Posted in Communication, Faith, Family, Friendship | 1 Comment »

June 21, 2023

A son’s tribute to his mother

by Rod Smith

I attended a celebration of life held in honor of a former colleague and treasured friend. Among several outstanding speakers, it was her son’s content and delivery which caught my attention. He wrapped his mourning in the sheer delight remembering his mother. With his permission here are a few nuggets from which I think all parents can learn: 

“If I close my eyes and think of my mom, I’m usually met with the same image. She’s standing in an apron, while her white hair is littered with varying streaks of color because she has scratched her head with the wrong end of a paintbrush. She is laughing, always laughing, even though there’s probably a pot of rice burning in the background in the kitchen somewhere.”

“For my mom life was meant to be lived and lived well. That was easy for her because she knew Joy. I think she knew joy because at some stage before I was born she traded her sorrows for joy. She made a pact with joy, and no one could take it from her.”

“We were pushed to think big and be brave; we were never mollycoddled.”

“My mom lived without fear because at some point before I was born, she traded fear for the pursuit of wisdom, knowledge, and true understanding.”

Posted in Differentiation, Education, Faith, Family, Grace, Grief | Leave a Comment »

June 20, 2023

Spoil?

by Rod Smith

How to spoil a child in a few easy steps: 

Run interference for your child as much as possible and so reduce all possibilities that your child may learn that actions and inaction have natural consequences. 

Get (aggressively) in the face of every teacher, coach, referee your child ever encounters (and do it as soon as possible) so your child and all officials know who is really in charge. 

Give your child the impression that teachers, coaches, school authorities, even the police are all idiots so they will always feel above the rules and the law.

Ignore common civility so your child will learn to behave similarly.

Praise your child excessively – and suggest others do the same – especially where little or no skill, talent, or meeting a challenge is necessary so the pain of having to learn something new or difficult may be delayed, even avoided.

Blame the teacher or the school if your child doesn’t do homework. Belittle the way it’s assigned, its timing, the lack of access to resources and its relevance – but never, never suggest the child’s homework is the child’s responsibility.

Every time your child (starting when they’re babies) is unsettled or unhappy, put a screen in his or her way to settle things down.

Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory | Leave a Comment »

June 18, 2023

Father’s Day — the day after

by Rod Smith

When my sons reveal certain physical aptitudes, expose some odd humorous bent, display a uniquely characteristic nod of the head, tilt of the jaw, it crosses my mind that I may be “seeing” their biological dads, glimpsing some semblance of the men who fathered them.

I do think about these two men — especially on Father’s Day — and hope they thriving wherever they are. In ways that my sons may also ponder, although I have not asked them, I wonder who these men are. I consider if each even knows about the baby he fathered or, if he does, thinks about, grieves about what he has sacrificed, missed, or lost.

I would jump at the opportunity of meeting my sons’ biological fathers. I’d go to such an event alone and find an opportunity to express my thanks for their vast contribution to our lives. I’d try to suss out how they’re each doing in hopes of suggesting an opportunity for them to meet our sons. I’d offer my sons the opportunity to choose his path toward connection with his biological father and hope that each would embrace such a connection and enjoy the long term potential and benefits from such an opportunity.

Heard from both boys at the crack of dawn

Posted in Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Education, Faith, Family, Friendship, Grace, Grief | Leave a Comment »

June 17, 2023

To my sons on Father’s Day – given we are in different countries today

by Rod Smith

To my sons on Father’s Day

It is a pleasure to be your dad. 

You were “easy” babies, fabulous toddlers and terrific young children. 

You were hilarious preteens and mostly cooperative teenagers. 

Now, you are productive, employed, adults. 

I have written to readers far and wide – often to severe resistance – my belief that parenting ends. 

While I will always be your dad, you may have recognized that some years ago, wise or unwise on my part, believing I had imparted all that was necessary, I “pulled back” and gradually stopped parenting each of you. You have been making almost all your own decisions for years and have both been rather good at it.

Now, we are three men (mostly) enjoying our shared relationships and one of us happens to also be your dad. 

As far as possible I will be available for you. I probably will “jump in” if I discern a dire need to do so, but generally I will resist any urge to impose my need to parent upon you.

I love you, I will seek your highest good and love all whom you love. Know this: each of you in your own way saved my life. You have made this dad really appreciate Father’s Day and I thank you.

The day they first met

Posted in Adolescence, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Education, Faith, Family, Friendship, Grace, Love, Parenting/Children, Single parenting, Teenagers, Trust | 1 Comment »

June 15, 2023

Goliaths

by Rod Smith

Given that it is Father’s Day this Sunday I have to tell you my father was a David who faced his share of Goliaths. He had many come his way over many years.

I’d suggest being fatherless from birth was a Goliath of sorts.

Then, the Second World War must have been like a Goliath to much of the world and to a 15-year-old boy, my dad, going off to war before needing to shave.

Entering the Indian Ocean off a burning and sinking destroyer to find safety was certainly a frightening encounter. Floating in the ocean, protected from sharks by the oil that surfaced from the sinking ship hardly sounds like a safe option.

Floating for hours – about 30 in all – in oil and debri and being fried in the day in the scorching sun and freezing in the night while hoping for rescue may indeed qualify as a Goliath.

Dad said the men in the water sang “Nearer My God To Thee” and “From Sinking Sands He Lifted Me” and “Abide With Me” a lot.

But, he did it. He did it all.

My dad was a long way from perfect but I have noticed he was much more imperfect when I was younger than he is now.

I guess dad improved over time.

Happy Father’s Day, dads everywhere.

Gunner EWG Smith

Posted in Children, Communication, Education, Faith, Family | Leave a Comment »

June 15, 2023

Healing Harvest

by Rod Smith

O memory of painful time,

Are you seed or stone?

A dark and deadly tomb,

Or seed with life to bloom?

Only if I say, “I want you,”

Will I really know.”

O sprouting seed, are you angry?

At the dark and choking dirt? 

What grates your tender shoot,

And blocks your chosen route?

Only if I say, “I forgive you,”

Will I really know. 

O tender shoot, are you bargaining, 

Demanding sun before you grow?

Or would you rather as the sun

Pour warm love on everyone?

Only if you say, “I forgive you first,”

Will I really know. 

O roots, do you wander depressed 

Searching in drought for tears?

Or do you need more sun?

To dry the tears that run?

Only if I say, “Forgive me,”

Will I really know. 

O golden wheat, can you accept 

The gifts of pulsing seed?

Are you wheat or golden bread?

Are you bread or Christ instead 

Only if I say, “Thank you,” 

Will I really know.

“Unless a grain of wheat

falls to the Earth and dies 

it remains alone, 

but if it dies 

It bears much fruit.”

John 12: 24

Poet unknown

Posted in Difficult Relationships | Leave a Comment »

June 15, 2023

Thursday

by Rod Smith
Use your power thoughtfully and well

Recap on anything the group would like to look at again or to reconsider. 

The Humble Samaritan – why it this such a radical parable?

Fables and other resources 

Post-traumatic Growth 

Helpers’ Lives 

POWER Balloon

Every person has been given a Power Balloon that represents an allotment of power. This is the power to have a voice, to decide, to be, to have opinions, have fun, learn, experience, to be autonomous, to be intimate, to be fulfilled and to love. 

Within every person’s capacity (power) is the ability to do research and to decide things for oneself, to worship, pray, accept, reject, remain free of abusive relationships and to create and enjoy safe relationships. 

Every act of manipulation, of cruelty, of “over-functioning ” and of “under functioning ” is the denial of the power of another or of others. 

People, for various reasons, will try to burst your balloon, boost your balloon, take your balloon, give you their balloon or render your balloon insignificant. 

Resist such acts from others and resist doing such acts to others. Care for your balloon only; leave others to the divine task of caring for and nurturing their own balloons. This is not selfish. 

Think of how selfish it is to say to someone, “Here, let me take away your power from you,” or, “Here, I do not want to take care of my own life but you have to do it.” Not even God will take your balloon from you. Your balloon is God-given to you for your care and nurture. (God has God’s own balloon to care for). 

The power for you to be fully human is yours and that power should be offered to no one under any circumstances and the position of exercising power over our own lives should never be abdicated except in extreme situations of medical emergencies. 

Every baby and child has his own balloon to be respected as much as the balloon of every adult. This, of course, does not mean that babies should be caring for themselves or that children must be given their every whim. Reaching such a conclusion is to misunderstand the concept of what it means to have personal power. The art of parenting a baby, of nurturing children involves respecting and nurturing their sense of personal power. Parenting is exercising the kinds of discipline and care that do not diminish a child’s self-worth or distort their capacity to discern and appreciate the power that is their birthright. Anything less is to “spoil and child.” It is to “spoil” their capacity to see and know themselves with accurate personal assessment.

Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Education, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness, Friendship | Leave a Comment »

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