Posts tagged ‘Re-marriage’

  |  
January 12, 2010

Two women talk about marrying men with children…

by Rod Smith

“My step children (12 and 14) are wonderful and give my husband and me no trouble at all. At the smallest signs of conflict my husband and I get together and we form a united front and we phone his ex-wife and discuss what is causing the issue. We use the ‘no blame’ approach by listening as much as possible. I love being a step mother and the children have no problem understanding that I am not even trying to take the place of their mother. This did not happen overnight and it was definitely the result of moving very slowly at first. Trust was very hard to build and I found I had to build it most with his ex-wife so she’d not be overly concerned about who it was who was also parenting her children.”

“I really hate being a stepmother. The children divide us all the time. He takes his children’s side over me every time even if they are obviously in the wrong. His ex-wife is harsh and controlling and I can’t wait for them all to grow up and leave home.”

(Conversations paraphrased with permission)

Posted in Difficult Relationships | 1 Comment »

Tags:
October 8, 2008

Getting married in eleven days…and…..!

by Rod Smith

“I am divorced with two children. In eleven days I will marry a man with two teenage daughters. My fiance, has a very good relationship with his ex-wife, so much so, that he goes over to her home and visits her and her daughters. He even goes over to her sister’s home to be with the family. This has caused some serious disagreements between us, because it appears like they are not really divorced. His reasoning is that he does this for the “girls” so that they are happy. I have an ex, but we have set boundaries on things of this nature. Do we hate each other? Absolutely not. We are very amicable. I’m have some serious doubts that I want to go any further. Please comment.” (Letter shortened)

I’d suggest your future is sufficiently valuable to postpone your wedding until these and other underlying matters are addressed. Your actions will be unpopular, but the response of your fiance and his family to your suggestion that you place the wedding on hold will tell you volumes about how you will be treated in the future. If it is a good match, you will be offered a world of understanding. If you are treated with contempt – well, then you know you’ve made the right choice.

Posted in Difficult Relationships | Leave a Comment »

Tags:
December 18, 2007

First year of fourth marriage has been “down”…

by Rod Smith

“I have been married a year and it has been so down. My husband prefers drinking with his loser buddies than being around any positive people. I hardly see him. I feel like we are in a very early stage of a relationship. I have been married four times, and I think I am crazy! First, I was a teenage bride and my husband abused me, then the next had an affair. My new husband spends his days drinking after work and I get left out. He wants a mother. I am very intelligent except when it comes to love. I forgive and then I get shafted. I need some friends.” (Letter edited)

Intelligent is, as intelligent does. I’d suggest you get some individual, personalized, help about how to find out who you are and what you want. Clearly you are searching for something and are possibly looking for it in a few unwise places. While it is easy to place blame on all the “loser” men in your life, you are the one, common, factor.

Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family | 3 Comments »

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,
March 12, 2007

Should I discipline my girlfriend’s children?

by Rod Smith

My girlfriend’s children are rude and get whatever they want from her. They are thankless and demanding. This is a woman I love and I am trying hard to help her with being a single mom. I was raised with strong discipline and my dad was never afraid to give us a good hiding. I think I should step in and give her children their limits. She says I better not touch them. This makes no sense. She can’t handle them and won’t let me do it. This is going to be what causes us to break up. Please help.

Chime in, please...

Chime in, please...

I’d suggest you do not, under any circumstances, resort to any form of physical punishment with the children. You are correct: this issue will probably result in the breakup of your relationship. Interfering in pre-existing relationships will almost always get a person in trouble. I’d suggest that you try to accept that your girlfriend will inevitably side with her children (over siding with you) even if the children are “demanding and thankless.” While we’d all prefer to live in a world where children were less-demanding and filled with appropriate gratitude, these are not values that you, the outsider, will be able to impart.

Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation | 22 Comments »

Tags: , , ,
November 23, 2006

When your husband says he doesn’t love you anymore or want to be married anymore……

by Rod Smith

dsc_0642Of course you are going to fall apart, and mourn the loss of the future you thought you’d have.

You will feel like death itself and even welcome your own.

Then, when your mind somewhat clears, you’ll wonder what really occurred. You will question what you might have done to cause the marriage breakdown and wonder what you might have done to save it.

Then you will bargain with God, your husband, even your children, or with anyone who will listen as you urgently try to get things back to normal, and get yourself back into his heart, head, and bed.

And, when things somewhat settle, and you’ve gotten some rest, and you emerge from the initial impact of what has occurred, you will see that this is not about you, or what you did or did not do. You will see there that there is no real power in bargaining with him, or real value in your becoming whatever you think he’d prefer you to be.

You will see that, quite apart from whatever he decides to do, there is great power and value in picking up your life, one emotion at a time, and doing what is best for yourself and your children.

Call Rod now…..

Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, High maintenance relationships, Past relationships, Victims, Violence | 358 Comments »

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
  |