November 30, 2017
by Rod Smith
When referring to my brother’s generosity I wrote that I believe generosity is among several of the most powerful human abilities. I’ve seen it time and again do its fabulous work.
Here are more of what I believe to be innate human capacities.
Exercised, they make us “more human.” Neglected or ignored, I believe they render us rather cold, even inhuman:
- The capacity to forgive even the most grievous offenses – yes, of course it’s hard, but NOT doing so may be even harder.
- The capacity for empathy – to see and understand, but of course, not necessarily agree with, the perspective of another, even that of an enemy.
- The capacity to influence for good (and, to influence for ill is bundled within the same set of human strengths). We have the power to influence – let’s hope it is used for good.
- The capacity to learn from mistakes and errors, and to learn that it is possible to not repeat them.
- The capacity to move up the brain and therefore allow ones self to think more objectively, engage in better long-term planning, and form the habit of responding rather than reacting.
- The capacity to listen more than to speak. If we listen we may actually learn something – when we speak we are usually repeating what we think we already know.
- The capacity to calm the ego rush – or the ability to see and understand that being right or recognized or winning doesn’t come close to the joy of learning to be loving.
Posted in Addictions, Anger, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Grief |
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November 28, 2017
by Rod Smith
- If plans derailed they were quick to listen in order to understand rather than to blame.
- They searched for solutions not problems.
- They understood their weaknesses and did not try to conceal or deny them.
- They wanted to learn and were open to learn from anybody.
- They were often not the installed or appointed leader of the business or community.
- They were not easily fazed or frazzled. They understood that few immediate crises possess the power to topple a healthy organization.
- They regularly outlined the big picture, the long-term goals – they set the direction.
- They knew people by name and used names.
- They authentically and publicly praised good work. They said “please” and “thank you” a lot.
- They looked for ways to serve and did so when it was necessary and not to make a show or make a statement.
- They held confidences. If they talked about others behind their backs it was only to offer praise for work well done.
- They micro-managed themselves, only. They trusted themselves and could therefore trust others.
Posted in Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family Systems Theory, Leadership |
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November 26, 2017
by Rod Smith
The Mercury / Tuesday
I’ve seen women and men painstakingly pick up pieces of their lives after a broken marriage.
This is necessary, natural, and understandable. Deep love, when it ends, at least for one party, is scarily disorientating.
Some never recover. A broken heart can really cause a slow (or a quick) death.
Perhaps you are you tripping over evidence of a terminated relationship. Letters, photographs, or books seem to appear from nowhere and evoke fresh pains or salt for the wounds.
A purge may be necessary, but it’s not for all.
The loot may be all you have. It can become a crucial stepping-stone to greater health. Or it can be a debilitating anchor.
I’ve been confused about why some friendships have ended. I examine memories for clues to what, how, and why things went wrong.
There are times this is unnecessary.
My damaging role is painfully clear.
The pain I caused is deep for others and obvious to me. And, my own and deserved pain is utterly near.
What do we do with our pain – deserved or not?
Options are unlimited once confession occurs.
Confession, of course, does not mean mutual forgiveness is inevitable. It’s not.
Options broaden with confession and commitment to learn from the past.
Posted in Addictions, Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Education, Faith, Family Systems Theory, Grace, Grief, Listening, Manipulation, Meditation, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Responsive people, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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November 25, 2017
by Rod Smith
The Mercury
Healthy and unhealthy attraction – it’s about much more than what or who meets the eye….
When you are emotionally strong, determined to achieve declared personal goals, and are looking for healthy adventure – you will attract people who are similarly strong and motivated.
This alone is enough incentive to get your act together, as much as it is possible, before you launch into seeking a life-partner or even a casual date.
• Healthy people attract healthy people.
• Healthy people are less likely to play relationship games.
• Healthy people don’t make relationships into win or lose contests.
• Healthy people are looking to give and to share and explore rather than take and get, preserve and hold.
If you are emotionally vulnerable, lacking in direction, seeking a savior or someone to rescue you from your woes – you will attract someone who needs a person just like you. Of course, when he or she comes along, it will feel like a match made in heaven.
• Unhealthy people attract equally unhealthy people.
• Hurt people attract hurt people.
Committed victims (those who use a shattered past for sympathy or gain), those who wallow in their wounds, tend to enter new relationships with old and familiar patterns. A relationship that seems to offer great hope will usually quickly descend into games of possession, control, and manipulation.
Attraction is about far more than what meets the eye. It’s far more than skin deep. Health calls to health. Ambition calls to ambition.
Sadly, unresolved issues and traumas find great comfort, albeit temporary, in those who’ve known equal relationship trauma – and little is as attractive for some, than to have someone to rescue or someone willing to try.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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November 24, 2017
by Rod Smith
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November 22, 2017
by Rod Smith
I’ve never been impressed with personalized car license plates unless they were particularly clever or humorous.
Until now.
The Indiana Bureau of Motor Vehicles accepted my request for “BROGFT” to declare my brother’s gift.
The brand new Mazda 6 in our family is a no-strings-attached gift from my Australian brother.
May every Mazda you see remind you that such brothers and sisters exist. The beauty in the car is more than its sophisticated engineering and sleek lines – I hope your knowledge about my gift provokes the generosity that also exists in your family line. My car is not just a top-of-the-line Mazda. It’s the fruit of years and years of my brother’s part-time, self-funded education and then years and years of very hard work – shared. It’s more than a car with a leather finish. It’s a symbol of love and generosity. It’s more than a replacement for the ailing and beloved diesel, manual, 2003 Beetle – it’s a symbol of the “opposite spirit.”
In a world where it seems everyone is holding on to everything a stashing for personal gain, I have a brother who is not.
Go, and do likewise.
#Mazda #Gift
Posted in Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Love, Mazda, Responsive people, Voice |
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November 21, 2017
by Rod Smith
What’s your inner-voice saying about your diet, spending, gambling, or your role in your family conflicts? I bet you hear or feel the nudge of your inner-voice when you speak harshly to others or are hard or cruel. I thoroughly believe that many of our interpersonal troubles come from the unwillingness or the inability to hear or trust our inner sane voice.
There’s a sane and beautiful person living within you and he or she is trying to get through to you.
If you think things through you will agree that you know what’s good and right, and what is not. I believe we know when we are using others for our own purposes and when we sacrifice their best interests for our own.
We know what to eat and what to avoid.
I know if I am lying or twisting truth in my favor.
Even the most hardened of liars is aware of it – even if the “skill” seems “second nature.”
Of course there are men and women who do indeed have schizoid conditions and to whom this column would not apply – but the vast majority of us have a sane inner-voice that’s aching for a hearing.
Listening in, acting accordingly, would save us an awful lot of pain, trouble, and therapy.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Grace, Leadership, Listening, Love, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Voice |
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November 21, 2017
by Rod Smith
The Mercury / Tuesday
This Thursday will be Thanksgiving in the USA. Millions will travel “home” or “to the grandkids” and, for most, enjoy a traditional Thanksgiving meal of turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, and local “fixings.” Families will eat and then play board games, kick a football, watch football on TV, or sleep off the effects of indulgence. Churches will feed the homeless and, no matter what a person’s means, the nation will somewhat unify around the national table and offer thanks for the incredible excesses of this wonderful country.
Most of us develop a “grateful” list. Here’s mine:
• My health and the health of my sons. It’s easy to forget that I had a massive heart attack 20 years ago and I have five stents in my heart. My sons are the gift that has kept me living. (No pressure boys). They are in perfect health.
• Family, friends everywhere – and the men and women with whom I share life.
• My daily wonderful job; clients who trust me to share in their lives; the men and women who read my work.
• The vast capacity for generosity that is in every person.
Yes, I am grateful for the kindness that lives within you, dear reader. My hope is that we will all express it freely and widely.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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November 19, 2017
by Rod Smith
• Love and control cannot live in the same relationship…. it’s one or the other. You can’t have both. You don’t “allow” your spouse or your close friends more freedom, anymore than you “allow” wild birds to fly, or the seasons to change, or the morning to follow the night. Freedom is a divine gift. Caging, or restricting another, or manipulating another, (and often it is done in the name of love) is the very antithesis of love. It kills relationships. Sometimes the death is slow, sometimes it’s quick. But, it is never helpful.
• Generosity, forgiveness, and hospitality, are among the most powerful gifts people can offer each other. Give freely and your heart will grow, your courage will multiply, your chances at true happiness will all-the-more likely become yours.
• Chasing more education, committing time and energy to a small group of friends, finding a place to regularly serve and love others, will cumulatively, add greater meaning and happiness to your life, far more than any acquisition usually associated with happiness. It’s not in what you’ve got or what you have not got – it’s found in who you serve, who you love, and within the joy of constant discovery and learning.
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November 16, 2017
by Rod Smith
What is the year teaching you? Please, reflect and let me know. Here are a few things I am learning afresh and re-learning:
- Trust broken is hard to restore. My experience is that forgiveness can restore broken trust but the ability to trust again can take a long time to restore. This is especially so with close friendships and infidelity in marriage.
- No one is more important than anyone else. To be intimidated by another is a waste of opportunity and energy. Yes, we all have different roles. We are afforded a variety of degrees of power and responsibility that come with our varying roles, but using that power to lord it over another is the surest indication that the power is in the wrong hands.
- Some individuals are so significantly hurt that the real person has disappeared behind shame, regret, and pretense. The defense has become the identity. The vulnerable person inside died a very long time ago and, sadly, will probably never be known.
- Ignored conflicts and family issues that are unaddressed will remain and usually grow. The issues may change shape, may go into hiding, may remain latent for decades – but they will surface and get necessary attention.
Posted in Anxiety, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Leadership, Love, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Triggers, Trust, Womanhood |
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