Archive for November, 2009

November 30, 2009

Wilson Goeda in Hawaii…

by Rod Smith

I really liked him, he didn't plug his book every five minutes.....

I ran into a Durban’s own Wilson Goeda this past week, in Kailua-Kona, Hawaii. From what I can tell, as the director of Youth With a Mission in Durban, he’s doing great things for humanity.

It was refreshing for me to hear Wilson’s strong South African accent, richly peppered with Afrikaans and slang from several other languages. His deep love for people and thunderous voice made his poignant reflections of a tough childhood and his call for humble reconciliation among all peoples all the more credible.

Wilson Goeda travels the world (he’s been to 60 nations thus far) promoting understanding among cultures. He helps people access grace and become reconciled with their pasts, befriend the present, and, above all, embrace their neighbors.

He did not plug his book (he didn’t even mention it) as is common with public speakers. He didn’t wallow in the self-pity or use dramatic events of his past to hook his audience.

Rather, with good humor and limitless zeal, Goeda talked of a shared hope and the myriad of possibilities that come our way when we live as men and women surrendered to a purpose greater than our own immediate fulfillment. Goeda’s book “Why Me” is available at

November 29, 2009

Getting back in touch with my angry son…

by Rod Smith

How do I get back into a cordial relationship with an adult son who has cut off from me because HE is abusive and angry. When we have had time it blows up in my face and he calls me the worst terms I have ever heard. He is single and lives alone. I am remarried after the death of my first wife, the mother of my only son.”

Call him. Arrange to meet for limited time periods (15 to 30 minutes) at a well-patronized restaurant. Tell him when you are making the arrangements, that you are missing him, and would like to see him but are unwilling to be subject to his negative behavior. Tell him why you are choosing a public venue. If he refuses to meet, you will know he is not yet ready to meet you face-to-face and abide with your terms. Give it a month or two and repeat the offer. As tough as it is not to see you son, while you allow yourself to be his victim, your relationship will not shift and improve for either of you.

November 29, 2009

We indulged our daughters…

by Rod Smith

“We indulged our daughters. One moved back to our home with her husband to be closer to university. Although we had an agreement that they would buy groceries we did not want any rent. They began having some problems in their marriage and we did not want to get involved. This turned ugly because she spoke to us very disrespectful way and I then told her that we would not tolerate her behavior in our house. Within a short time they found a new place to live and moved out without a goodbye or thank you. We are aware that we as parents are partly or completely responsible for this situation but how do we fix this?”

Get out of the middle...

You are powerful BUT no parent is sufficiently powerful to create this behavior from a daughter. You might have spoiled her, yes, but she is now responsible for who she is, not you. Don’t blame yourself. While you have not been perfect, blaming yourself will improve nothing. This young woman and her husband both have a lot of growing up to do and it won’t happen while you are swinging on a leash of guilt.

November 25, 2009

America works – Happy Thanksgiving

by Rod Smith

I LOVE being an American....

I didn’t grow up with Thanksgiving. It’s not that we are an ungrateful bunch running around the tip of Africa; our celebrations tend to pivot around Christmas. So, Thanksgiving is always refreshing for me. Despite my 20 years as a Hoosier, and 14 as a US citizen, I still find it delightful to reflect on the bounty of this great nation.

Here are few things for which I am grateful:

America works. Yes. Despite all you can find that doesn’t, let me tell you, America works. I still think I am on candid camera when I enter a post office and people are nice, you know, pleasant, reasonable, cooperative, helpful, and patient. I grew up with quite to opposite. Their efficiency is one of my all-time favorites about this delightful country.

“My” mail carrier, Rodney, (in America it feels as if you get your own!) knows my name. He knows my kids by name. He watches out for us. This is still REFRESHING even though it is 20 years since I set up home within the 465. This might be small potatoes to you, but Rodney once even PAID, out of his own pocket, the extra postage due on a letter I’d received! This singular kindness puts us (the whole nation) miles ahead of the international pack of nations and almost deifies all mail carriers in my book.

I still find it outlandishly crazy that when I got to the USA and ordered phone service. The woman apologized, said there’d be a delay of 4 hours before the service would be turned on. Four whole hours. “A delay!” I told the woman, “is 8 to 12 months!” I’d waited a year for my phone despite growing up in a first-world neighborhood of South Africa.

I am still amused when I recall my first visit to the men’s restroom in O’Hare where above the faucet at the wash hand basin was a sign that declared, and in caps: “TWO SECOND DELAY”. What a great country. Two seconds to “wait” for running water and, here’s the kicker, it’s considered a delay!

America is fabulously efficient. I call the gas company, the water company, and people are nice, they say hello. They know what number I am calling from, and they credit my payment, made over the phone, to the correct account. Unheard of where I come from. You are blessed if anyone answers the phone (emergency numbers included).

Did I tell you I LOVE America and that America WORKS?

I know I ought to write about matters of thunderous gravity like freedom of speech and freedom of religion, and while I don’t take any of these lofty matters for granted, I am really thankful for the “little” things: a mayor’s office that is responsive, a governor who is efficient and human, a church that goes out of its way to serve the poor, and a community, at least where I live, that is sit-com-ideal-neighborhood perfect.

Happy Thanksgiving

November 25, 2009

Size in families – five columns in one

by Rod Smith

Be your size, no bigger, no smaller....

Size is all-important in a family. I’ve seen many families where the children are “bigger” than the parents. The children’s needs, wants, and desires appear to determine almost everything. The parents’ needs are habitually ignored while the desires of the children are the parents’ marching orders. Of course parents willingly sacrifice for their children, this is part of what it means to be a parent, but in families with “super-sized” children, the imbalance becomes burdensome.

I have seen children pitch a fit, stamp and storm – when a parent makes a legitimate request of the child, or has to alter a minor plan, or must pursue a detour, which the child perceives as hindering his or her freedom, creativity, rights, or friendships.

Such toxic parent/child binds, where the strong emotions of a child brings fear to the parent, can drain all the enjoyment out of family life.

When a mother or a father sees the light (acknowledges his or her indulgence of the child, can see the child is unpleasant to be around) and tries to bring the child down to an appropriate size, the child will understandably resist. Resistance can become ugly. “Un-spoiling” a child is no easy task: it is better not to worship children in the first place.

Bringing children “down to size” sounds harsh, even cruel. It sounds like something that should be against the law. On the contrary, allowing, or grooming children to be too big (dominant, controlling, demanding) is where the harshness and cruelty really lies. If you have discerned that your son or daughter is too big, and that you are too small, it is probably not a good idea to attempt the imposition of all manner of restrictions and changes to “bring him down to size.”

I would suggest that ALL the adults (biological, step parents, grandparents who foster the super-sizing of the child or cooperate with it) have an extended face-to-face conversation about your mutual issue. Depending on the magnitude of the problem this might take several hours, in which case I’d suggest you spread your meetings over several weeks so people have a chance to think things through. Talking openly about these matters is often half the battle – and as you have probably guessed, it is quite a battle.

Implementation of the strong, caring principles that result from your conversations (and the success of what you decide to implement) will pivot on the age of the child, upon how “late” the parents “catch” it, and upon the adults’ unified ability to stay the course. It is my experience that one or two adults will not possess the ability to follow through with the best made approaches – their threshold of pain for the child is too low. But, as I said, it is not easy to un-spoil a child; the fact that children get too big in the first place is riddled with meaning.

Dads and moms (not only children!) can be super-sized too, but it usually only one per family unit. A super-sized dad (demanding, dominant, controlling) usually requires a wife to be super-small (submissive, voiceless, fearful). The really deceptive nature of this kind of family is that a “small” mother and a “big” father are often praised as the “biblical” order for the family – something I have even heard preached as if it is something for which to strive!

A super-sized dad (I’ll consider mothers later) is quite easily identified: he usually gets his own way, he sulks and stamps and steams if his authority is resisted, and he plays the “hurt puppy” when not duly honored. He will pull out the “big guns” on a regular basis (threatening, withholding, colluding, and “The Bible says”) if his will is threatened. Occasionally I’ve seen a super-sized dad humble himself. But, if it is tough to un-spoil a child, you can only imagine how difficult it is to get a self-centered parent to discover authentic humility.

A way out of this hurtful and debilitating trap is for individual family members to work on getting a voice (this is a way to increase in size) and resist placating the persistently controlling, demanding parent.

Many mothers are too small, and too busy. They have so yielded to the demands of mothering, of being a wife; of trying to balance an imbalanced world on two frail shoulders, it has caused mother-shrinkage. They have shrunk, not from a natural process of aging, but from the pressures of trying to be perfect, of trying to make their world work perfectly, of keeping children in line, their husbands sober, responsible, or happy.

I have discovered there is no stopping a woman who is hell-bent on disappearing into a life of “sacrifice” and “service.” The best approach is to get out of her way until they sees the light or, sadly, she collapses in sheer exhaustion. When a woman equates some twisted belief about humility and self-imposed punishment with selflessness, there is no reasoning, no convincing, that will successfully deliver her from herself.

Anxiety drives people and everyone “benefits” when mother becomes the High Priest of Perpetual Service and Motion – until it all falls apart. Then, if she doesn’t get wise, caring help, she will probably bury herself in a boatload of guilt.

When family members are all the appropriate size there is mutuality among the adults and cooperation among the adults and the children. The give and take of daily life becomes more and more joyful as each person fills his own shoes, stays out of the way of the growth and health others, and lives out his or her part of the family bargain. You will notice that:

1. Who is “in charge” or who is “the boss” or who is “the spiritual leader” becomes irrelevant.
2. Love and cooperation trump all.
3. Individual family members assume a high degree of appropriate personal responsibility.
4. Over-functioning (doing things to help others avoid responsibility) and under-functioning (expecting others to save you from yourself) are avoided.
5. People are afforded a wide berth for learning and growth.
6. Forgiveness and grace are easily given and readily received when things go awry.
7. Individuals stand up for themselves without hurting others.
8. Spontaneity is highly valued.
9. Humor is ever-present, even in the toughest of circumstances.
10. Dialogue and insight, shared among family members, is embraced rather than avoided.

November 20, 2009

Finding health and awareness

by Rod Smith

Small steps to greater health and awareness

Growing in Autonomy and Intimacy all at the same time…

November 20, 2009

Where do all these STRONG feelings come from?

by Rod Smith

How attractive is this much anger....?

November 20, 2009

Piggy in the middle is not much fun for Piggy…

by Rod Smith

Being trapped in a triangle is no fun....

November 20, 2009

Here I was thinking it is GOOD to have boundaries…..

by Rod Smith

Isolation is hardly helpful either

November 20, 2009

How come THIS close doesn’t feel too good?

by Rod Smith
It's hard to dance when you are too close, too connected!

It's hard to dance if you are too connected....