Mercury / Friday

1. You cannot be open with everyone all the time about the relationship.
2. You cannot welcome your spouse into every encounter.
3. You give this person more attention than you give your spouse.
4. You hide what you spend (money, time, energy) on this person.
5. You know his or her schedule in your head.
6. Time together is like filling up at an emotional gas station.
7. You become nervous (frustrated, unsettled, suspicious) when contact is unexpectedly lost and you do not know the reason.
8. You are more interested (preoccupied) in his or her life than you are in your own.
9. You know more about each other day-to-day than your respective spouses know.
10. You have “emergency” cell phone numbers only for each other.
11. You have a code or language between you that no one else understands.
12. You feel completely alive when you are together but totally lifeless, worthless, aimless, when you are out of “sync” with each other.
13. Thinking of losing this relationship feels like you’d be losing your life.
14. You have to delete Emails and text messages in case someone finds them.
15. You regret (perhaps only momentarily) important parts of your life (like being married or even having children) because these aspects seem “in the way” of this friendship.

“I am dealing with a controlling man. He is four years younger than me and has yet to figure out his job situation. He is still confused about what he really wants to do in life. I’m assuming his controlling ways have roots in these circumstances. I believe his dad is controlling. If a controlling guy eventually reaches a point in his life where he is professionally successful and feels more in control of his life, will he ever ease up on woman? When I put my foot down he changes his positions slightly so part of me thinks that he may be open to change.”

I am trying to hear you...

Always resist it and always point it out. Regard it – the behavior and not the man – as a dangerous virus. This means it has no brakes, and it has no boundaries and therefore it will not self-regulate!

Controlling men and women do so no matter what the circumstances – it is just a matter of degrees. I’d suggest “changes his positions slightly” is a move to keep you, not a symptom of growth. If you feed the virus, or ignore the virus, or give it a momentary bow, it will grow. In fact, it will grow anyway despite your behavior – this is the reason it must always be resisted.

Be careful of becoming so aware of his controlling behavior that you get the virus! But that is material for another column.

I am trying to hear you...

Here are behaviors common in an emotional affair portrayed through what one or the other person will typically say:

“I have finally found a friend without the complications of being sexually involved. It is so pure and you wouldn’t believe how good the friendship is for me.”

“He/she makes me into a better wife/husband and mother/father.”

“How can you be upset? You always wanted me to have close friends? What’s the difference if she is a woman when there’s nothing physical about it?”

“It is easier to talk since there’s no physical thing going on as there is with you and me.”

“He/she doesn’t judge me or expect anything from me. It’s like being with a therapist who is actually not charging anything.”

“Of course we talk and text a lot. That’s what friends do.”

“I don’t lie to you. It’s just that you wouldn’t understand how close we are and how much my relationship with her/him is really helping my relationship with you.”

Mercury / Tuesday

1. You are generous – you give, not out of guilt or pity, but from the joy of being able to give.
2. You are open to change, challenge, and diversity.
3. You allow others, even immediate family, to be different from what is generally expected without making judgments.
4. You are committed to personal values and you set clear personal goals.
5. You forgive and forget when it is wise to do so, and you forgive and remember when it is necessary.
6. You have several committed relationships besides your primary family relationships.
7. You honor and respect the elderly and you enjoy the young.
8. You do not take sides when friends disagree.
9. You do not chase others for anything.
10. You avoid rescuing behaviors.

“My husband (48) came in told me ‘I want to separate. I want sex with other women, to be free, be myself.’ I was devastated. We have been married for 20 years. He left and bought a house across the street. He met up with at woman (22) and says now he is ‘so in love.’ He’s taking her on our trips. I am devastated. She is fat. I was fat but he wanted me to change. She is literally the same size as me and after years of emotional abuse about my being fat and then says, ‘See it wasn’t ever about your weight. See how big she is.’ Talk about a slap in the face. She has already cheated on him. He would have killed me if I had done that. I am confused. I did everything for him and he leaves me for someone half my age. He is madly in love and wants to get married and start a family. We have two children together. I don’t even recognize him anymore.” (Edited)

I am trying to hear you...

While you are so focused on his comings and goings, noticing what he is doing or not doing, you will be unable to find enough space for you to see that you have to begin to build an existence where he is not the center-piece. While his tasteless move to a house across the street doesn’t make this any easier for you, such emotional distance and space is essential. I’d suggest (although it is not stated) that his move into a home so near to you may well have been part of his continued attempt to keep some kind of an eye on you. This is not out side the realm of possibilities when it comes to persons who are so amazingly unaware or uncaring about the impact their moves and actions have on others. While they often appear indifferent to how their lives impact others, they remain steadfast in their belief that important others need to remain somewhat within their control.