Is tough if you are not desperate enough. But once a person is able to see the necessity for change, he or she will ultimately move in it’s direction.

Such change is not necessarily geographic and nor does it necessarily require some momentous relational move- it can be internal and unapparent to others for years.

“I was born into a family that has experienced conflict that has affected us for three generations. Not even the education has been able to prevent the inevitable downward spiral or find ways to resolve differences and remain on speaking terms. A sibling and I did attempt to resolve issues and things hobbled along for awhile, but after the last crisis, which involved the passing of a parent, I realised that the members of my family, including in-laws, are too different in outlook and philosophies to ever get along. Some friends have exhorted us to try to make peace, simply because we are ‘family’. This sort of encouragement doesn’t occur when the feuding parties are not related, then people seem to expect one not to be able to effect reconciliations. Is it really so bad that families feud to the extent that they no longer speak? What if they really are happier going separate ways? We often expect far too high a standard from our relatives, simply because they are blood. We have different and apparently irreconcilable standards.” (Edited)

Getting along is not compulsory because of biological ties. Openness to (even) limited dialogue will serve the invisible emotional loyalties. Family cut-offs exacerbate individual issues. Reasonable, even guarded dialogue, is likely to ease some individual anxiety, even if at first it serves to spike it.

Healthy attitudes when your family is in turmoil:

1. The solution, or at least an approximate solution, begins with me. I will ask myself what can I do to move this issue toward resolution.
2. While I am willing to stand my ground, I will not do so at the cost of the integrity (unity) of the family. Although I know it is not about winning or losing I am willing to appear to lose so the family might win.
3. Taking the “high road” is likely to teach me more than having a win-at-all-cost attitude.
4. Before I confront others I will examine my heart and do what I can to rid myself of unhelpful thinking.
5. I know that in any conflict it is the more mature person (which often has little to do with chronological age) who is key to helping the family find resolution.
6. I will yield rather than hurt, I will forgive rather than harbor resentment, I will hold my tongue rather than use it to increase the conflict.
7. I know that nothing is gained by bringing up past issues, by blaming others, or by judging myself for things in my past with information I have in the present.

“Married 43 years and I have gone 30 years without sex. Sex wasn’t great from the start. I only did it to please my wife. I have no desire for sex. I told her it was exciting but it wasn’t. Then 13 years down the road and I couldn’t perform any more. Doctor told me I had E/D and high blood pressure. With age I developed other problems, which didn’t help my libido. The little blue pill did nothing for me it actually made me sick. Finally free of sex and intimacy! My wife was really upset and still is. I told her to buy a puppy or find a girl or boy friend to find companion ship. I told her that’s life and I can’t change that. We just live in the same house, she has the upstairs, and I have the down stairs. We share nothing except the garage and laundry room.”

Perhaps this arrangement works for this couple since it has been in operation for several decades. Your insights, comments, suggestions, would be appreciated. I will publish three or four of the most helpful (or insightful or amusing) comments in a day or two.

Two readers respond: See full (unedited) response under comments:

“Marriage is about intimacy and companionship. Even if sexual intimacy is no longer possible through intercourse intimacy should not be destroyed altogether. Each person living in separate locations in the house is indicative of deeper issues. It sounds like a wedge has been driven between the two and sex is the tool to inject more pain. The arrangement lacks humility, honor, and trust. The only difference between this and a divorce is geographic. They are already emotionally, sexually, and physically separated. The arrangement lacks honesty.”

“Why did HE write? He doesn’t seem conflicted, living in an arrangement that he likes. He gives us an example of how ‘normal’ people make life arrangements work that are far from our common cultural ideals (and would be disappointing to most). At this point, 30 years since they last had sex, does he really want to be told how wrong this arrangement is, how ‘unhealthy’ it is? Does he want advice he is not willing to take? He is a known quantity. He knows how he wants to live. It’s his wife that has some hard decisions to make. Either she needs to accept his terms, finally (after 30 years!), or she needs to find some other way to have a fulfilling life that she CAN accept.”

“My brother’s new girlfriend is very possessive. He is a different man, for the worse, since they met. We seldom see him. He has to make excuses and lie so he can drop in and see us. Even then he’s constantly on the phone to her while he’s away from her. What responsibilities do I have to let him know what we see or do we just let him go further into this mess? She says he ignores her when he is with us. Please help.”

Say it kindly, then let him alone

Drop the “we” and “us”. Speak only for yourself. Don’t “corner” him. Simply tell him what you see. Then, leave it up to him.

If you are calm and non-possessive in your approach and during you stolen moments with your brother, it is likely that he will be able to relax and tell you if he is finding the relationship stressful. If you are anxious and demanding (like another woman he knows) it is likely his pushback will push him deeper into her corner.

Work on yourself, not the relationship

If you cannot be distinct and have the necessary self-awareness to be alone, it is unlikely you will be able to withstand the togetherness-pressures of a truly powerful, intimate, equal, and respectful relationship. He or she who cannot hold his or her own without a partner, will feel overpowered, overcrowded, or consumed when in an equal, respectful, intimate relationship. This is true unless he or she, in the name of love, gets lost in the relationship and “disappears”. Under such circumstances the “weaker” party will experience the relationship as a take-over rather than as a shared, mutual, adventure.

To work at your distinctness:

1. Express your opinion even if it is contrary to what your partner expects or wants to hear.
2. State what you want and don’t want even if it places stress on the relationship you have.
3. Maintain many and diverse non-romantic friendships.
4. Pursue interests outside of your romantic relationship even if your significant other has no interest in the same endeavors.

“I read your column about why people stay in toxic relationships with interest. I could have been reading about myself and I was amazed at your understanding of toxic circumstances.

“I married my ‘dream man’ when I was definitely looking for love and security. In a year I realised that he was a ‘man of straw’ and all the things you mention relate to me as well as intense jealousy because of my husband’s insecurity.

“He is selfish and totally self-absorbed. I was never physically abused but mental abuse is almost as bad. I don’t know how I endured, but I had decided divorce was not an option. I had four children by 30. When I did eventually contemplate divorce there were always reasons why I could or would not consider it.

“It has been a long hard road but God has brought me to this point and I can’t question why. I am a reasonably happy and contented person today and am at peace. I made a choice some years ago to be happy and I have lots of friends and many interests.

“I drew much comfort from your understanding of a difficult situation. As I would say, ‘Walk a mile in my shoes’ and then ask why I stayed.”