Quick fixes to life’s problems annoy me.

The Art of Living Well is a process. It’s a life-long process. It’s a journey of joy and some sadness and many struggles.

Its challenges pivot on being willing to embrace and understand the unavoidable juxtaposition of the Beauty and the Brutality of life simultaneously occurring for most people.

And yet, there are some simple (not easy) things that we can all do that will immediately enhance the journey, make it even more meaningful, more beautiful and rewarding, despite the inevitable dilemmas that are served up most days.

· Take full responsibility for yourself – blame no one for anything at all, find your role in whatever you face – and your journey will be enhanced.

· Choose generosity at every possibility – and your joy will increase.

· Define yourself and refuse to define others (even those whom you truly love) and the respect you gain will be an immediate reward.

· Forgive everyone everything without exception – I never said it would be easy – and you will feel freedom come pouring into your life.

• Surrender control, let the natural process of living have its way – and see that much in life can be really trusted.

“My wife is constantly on her phone – not talking, but texting and checking for “likes” and seeing what her friends are up to. She takes it everywhere with her and is always distracted. She sleeps with it under her pillow. It’s getting really ridiculous. She’s more worried about how and where she will charge her phone than if we have basic necessities in the house. I am not kidding. I cannot have a conversation with her where she doesn’t have one eye on the phone and can even be texting while I am talking to her. She says women can multitask and that I am just being over sensitive. I am not. If I want to see something she’s doing on her phone she holds it so I can see – I am not allowed to hold her phone. I hate to think she is hiding something from me but I can’t help wondering. Is it ok for me to establish some ground rules for us as a couple? When I think about that I feel like I am treating her like a teenager. I would rather it come from her that it be insisted on by me. Please help.” (Edited)

This is not about phones. Seek face-to-face help for yourself first, and then for the two of you as a couple.

Do you want to move from any semblance of being a doormat to greater fullness as a respected person?

• Learn to say yes when you mean yes and no when you mean no and try to not let them get mixed up.

• Know that it is acceptable and even essential to know how to say “no” to even the people we are closest to even if they are not accustomed to hearing it.

• Learn that you are in charge of yourself and in charge of your own calendar and daily activities even if you are someone’s wife or husband.

• Know that you were not destined to be a victim for any reason and that victim thinking will keep you in victim mode.

• Learn to identify the moments of success and courage you have already enjoyed and place yourself in similar circumstances so you can get lots of practice at what you are good at.

• Know that you can cope when others are unhappy with you and are displeased with your newfound attempts to advocate for yourself.

• Learn how to increase your ability to allow those whom you love to experience the worthwhile pain that comes with growth, your growth.

Rearing two boys has given me a hyper-focus on my own behavior. It’s made me think a lot about what they are learning from me as we accompany each other through life.

Character, and what it means and stands for, is something I try to teach my sons – and, of course, mine is therefore tested day in and day out. I am willing to bet that that is your experience too.

Here are a few observations.

Things that reveal character, or the lack of it:

• How people respond when coming into unexpected wealth or poverty.

• How people respond to those who can offer them nothing.

• How people handle their anger, disappointments, and losses.

• How people handle gossip and whether they pass it on or stop it in its tracks.

• How people handle stress.

• How people talk about and handle people who are “different” for whatever reason – race, gender, sexual identity, academic differences, or matters of national origin or language.

• What people consider good humor and where they draw the line with what they consider targets of their humor.

• How people respond to the poor and the needy.

In a couple of hours Nolan Smith (former Beachwood Boys’ High School) will drive the few blocks from his house in Indianapolis to mine and we’ll head together to the airport.

My sister and Ursula, Nolan’s mother, are waiting at their departure gate at JFK in New York. They will arrive in Indianapolis after a long night over the African continent and  the Pacific before descending into the Big Apple.

Both women have visited numerous times but this time they are flying together.

The joy of their coming is not in the sights as wonderful as they are.

Ursula’s grandchildren will be so excited to see her. My sons, while budding adulthood may get a little in the way of the sheer joy they once expressed when Jenny arrived, really love their aunt.

Visiting family is expensive. Long-haul flights are hard on the mind and hard on the body, but such visits keep us sane. They keep us hopeful and service the invisible loyalties that come with being family.

We will laugh a lot, talk a lot, and spend hours spinning old family stories but what we are really doing is paving and repaving the platform on which our children will build their beautiful lives long after such pleasurable visits have ended.

The Mercury / Wednesday / Volunteer or Victim?

I am all for loyalty, commitment, and seeing things through. But, some loyalty can be horribly misguided. This is especially evident in churches, schools; organizations where there’s a high need for volunteers. It can also happen in a job, especially when someone has been employed to “help out” and where there’s no specific job description.

Here are symptoms that you may be too loyal, too committed. It might be time to jump ship or throw in the towel if only to preserve your sanity:

• You are discovering that your level of commitment seems to exceed what you see others offering. You are taken by surprise at the discovery. You thought people were equally invested.

• You seem to get landed with the tasks and responsibilities it appears no one else wants to take on. You thought everyone was willing to make sacrifices for the good of the organization.

• Your areas of responsibility seem to be growing, and growing, and growing. You can’t find it in you to say no. Even thinking about it evokes guilt. Others seem to be able to say no quite easily and apparently experience no guilt.

Is even one out of three true for you?

It may be time re-evaluate, time to speak up, or ship out. Your loyalty may be transforming you into a victim.