Look me in the eye. Talk to me. I won’t budge from your truth. Tell me the best. Tell me the worst. Tell me the dangerous. I will look you back in the eye and see and then tell you that, like me, you’re part of the human condition, that I accept you no matter what.. 

Look me in the eye. I will look back at you, hopefully with care and hopefully with mercy and charity and acceptance, with love. It’s the kind of love that wants  you to be totally free, empowered to be exactly who you were designed to be. It’s not too late, not for anyone.

Look me in the eye. Tell me of your early years of struggle, of being misunderstood, of being conflicted about what was going on within your conflicted home. Tell me how your history continues to impact you, tries to sabotage your thoughts and your future. I will tell you that I think I understand. 

Look me in the eye and tell me your story, as much or as little as you want to reveal. I will give you my ear. I will listen with my heart. It’s unlikely your story will surprise me. We have probably walked similar paths even though there might be nothing similar about our origins.

Yesterday I asked readers to imagine an ideal setting and context for the birth of a child and to reflect on their own contexts and circumstances of birth, childhood and growing up years…..

Today, I invite readers to imagine the antithesis of that perfection in order to taste a child’s experience of an anxious, conflicted environment where the womb, crib, family, school, the entire context and journey is constantly jolted with survival anxiety. 

These are, what I call, “crossfire children.” 

He or she, the infant, and the siblings are caught in the crossfire of adult overt and covert conflict. 

Parents and caregivers are in conflict and the crib shakes. 

The crossfire child – trapped in the middle of parent addictions and stressors – has an overwhelming desire to be noticed, accepted, affirmed, protected, understood and appreciated while living in what a child may perceive and know as real-time danger. 

Mom and dad fight – and anxiety strikes all who are in the family and home. 

Imagine a dynamic (changing) environment where primary caregivers and authority figures are sources of complex multi contrasting messages of fear, uncertainty, danger, discomfort and sometimes comfort; where fight and flight are foreign concepts (to an infant and growing child) but are familiar intimate and powerful experienced emotions.

But a few months ago …….. !

In general conversations, when around those who work in areas of mental health,  people may ask,  “Am I of sound mental health?”

Mental health, like physical health, is on a continuum. There are days when you are in better shape than you are on other days.

Here are a five pointers to evaluate your healthy state of mind:   

You are objective about what it means to be you while you take care of immediate day-to-day matters. You are functioning, playing your role and only your role – in a family and community. You isolate yourself at times to rest, not out of fear.   

You are able to look back at how your past has shaped you. You can and do look ahead and enjoy your future hopes and dreams.  Are you able to “reflect” both ways (forward and back) without being overwhelmed with fear. 

You able to look deeply within your inner-being, your head, heart, soul, motivations with humility and thanks. You can see and acknowledge your beauty. You accept who you are. 

You able to accept yourself despite your failures and allow yourself to encourage others even when you yourself are under trying circumstances? You can rise above difficulties and challenges when necessary.  

You are able to focus on the people you deeply love and really listen and appreciate their uniqueness, their beauty, and invite them to teach you about love and greater self-awareness.

My next teaching destination

Understandable missteps in blended families

• Proclaiming “we are one big happy family” by the adults will be heard as a script that now must be followed, or covertly rejected. Children know the truth. If the blended family is happy it will require no announcement or proclamations. Happiness and contentment will speak loudly for themselves. 

• The step parent heartily confesses “I know i am not their mom/dad and I will never replace their absent parent” and yet tries too hard at playing the parent or friend role anyway. Step sons and daughters may really like the “new” husband or wife. The children may genuinely enjoy the adult company. But when step-mom or step-dad over-step boundaries – too much too soon – the confusion the children express will be experienced as rejection.

• There is a tendency among blended families to over-supervise, to repeatedly check if everyone is doing well with the new family arrangement. There is a tendency to over-structure relationships rather than to trust the children (of all ages) to let them develop naturally. Such anxiety from the adults can upset the children who are quite happy to let things develop at a natural pace. Let people be – they don’t need as much help as many adults may think. 

My office — if anyone is interested. I call it The Dream Center

If you want to stimulate greater health in your family – immediate and extended – there are things you can do, all of which are simple, but not easy:

Shift your focus and attention off the members of your family and what they are doing (or not doing) or saying (or not saying). Become a total expert in your own behavior and in your own behavior only. 

You may begin to see and appreciate just how much your behavior supports or encourages what is uncomfortable for you in members of your family. 

Yes. You may begin to see how your behavior promotes or supports what you criticize in others. 

All relationships impact (shape, modify) all relationships. 

Take care of what you are doing (or not doing) and saying (or not saying) and you will see some changes begin to occur, some of which you may like and some which you may not.  

For example, the wife who complains that her husband is “a slob who won’t clean up after himself” may see that her over-functioning for him by cleaning up after her husband is supporting the behavior in him she most despises!  

The dad who complains that his children are always scrolling on their phones may want to use his for calls and texts only so his observations and expectations of his children gain a leg to stand on.

Good morning, INDIANA

A little knowledge can hinder real learning and discovery…..

I’ve heard Americans describe Africa and reduce the continent to three of four sentences. This is after a week-long “mission” trip to one of the 54 nations. I grew up in Africa, lived In South Africa for 35 years and have visited the continent a number of times. I don’t “know” it. I can only relate my experience of the beautiful, colorful and vibrant continent. 

I’ve heard (a few) South Africans describe the USA, reducing the Union of 50 states and 350+ million people to three or four sentences. This is after visiting Disney for three days and Epcot for one. They return to South Africa ready to report like experts on life in the USA. I have to hold my tongue! 

Yes, I’ve been to The Grand Canyon, to the view site only. But I don’t know the Grand Canyon. I looked it over from the tourist attraction site. I never stepped into, or hiked, or camped in the Grand Canyon. I wonder how long a person has to be in the Grand Canyon before he or she can claim to “know” the Grand Canyon. There is always more to discover even for the most frequent explorers. 

I think we start to learn when we begin to see just how little we know and are willing to admit it.

Inner-Red-flags for Leaders

Not everything is proceeding and progressing as you’d prefer at your business (church, school, hospital). You notice you are starting to avoid and resent some members of your team and some people in your organization. You’d rather not pick a fight so you’re managing your day (week, month) around who you do not want to encounter. You notice, on occasion, there’s a dictatorial edge lurking just under your calm exterior and you hope it is not going to take you by surprise.

Find a leadership coach.

You find yourself taking sides on issues and recruiting those who are on yours. While you know that surrounding yourself with YES men and women is probably not good for your organization it feels good. You know that the people who hold counter opinions are good for you and for you and for your organization, you’d like them to ease off a little.

Please, find a leadership coach.

Your family is getting in your way and there are times you want to stay at work rather than go home. At the very same time, when you are home, you want to work from home to avoid some of the underlying conflicts you have to address at work. Nowhere feels completely comfortable right now.

Please, for everyone’s sake, find a leadership coach.

You have met people who seem naturally combative, where every interaction is an argument waiting to happen. If you point out you may get, “So, what’s your point? You have a problem with that?” 

For some, their goal is to fault-find, to criticize. Nothing is ever right or good, let alone perfect. If you draw attention to this proclivity you may get, “Someone has to keep things on track. Why have you left it up to me?”

Compliant people never put up a fuss or air an objection. “I don’t want to put anyone out. Offend anyone. I’ll do whatever you suggest so you don’t notice this about me in the future. Here, sorry, let me get out of your way.”  

Grovelers – the obsequious – will do anything for a whiff of affirmation or acceptance. “I know he still loves me because at least he doesn’t notice me anymore,” said one woman about a break up, “he used to be angry when he saw me. That’s stopped now.” 

These extremes — smidgeons of which (I believe) live in us all – are much deeper than expressions of so-called defense mechanisms. They are about survival. When everything “outside” is interpreted as out to get you, you have to do (or not do) or be (or not be) something. 

“I am battling to communicate with my two grandchildren (16 and 14). I can’t get them to enjoy a conversation with me. They only talk when I ask questions about school or sport or how they are. It’s a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ or ‘I don’t know.’ I get the traditional family hug when I visit and leave, but it is without any smile or sincerity. They never show any interest in me and when I’m visiting they’re on their cell phones or lounging on the couches watching TV. I give birthday and Christmas presents but never get a ‘thank you’ unless it’s prompted. Am I failing as a Grandparent? Help!”

I suggest there are millions of adolescents who would really want what you are offering. Any flaws, cracks in the context you describe probably originates with your grandchildren’s parents who have apparently tolerated this indifference. Perhaps their children also treat them in much the same way. 

If it is possible you may want to express the contents of your letter to the adults who are parenting your grandchildren. 

Be gentle. Use “I” statements. Describe your experiences. Suggest you hope for and want something a little better and need their help to get it. It is ok to express what you want so long as you are aware you may not get it, at least for now. 

Hopefully when everyone grows up things will change.