March 22, 2023
by Rod Smith
When you stop and listen to your life – your emotions, urges, compulsions, complaints – what may your life be attempting to say to you? Here are some things I perceive my life tries to draw to my attention, and what I have seen clients self-identify as they pay attention to their lives:
- You are carrying fear. Have you considered finding out where it comes from? It may come from a generation or two before you. Fear can travel from generation to generation. What purpose is it serving for you? What will it take for you to lay it aside for a while or get rid of it completely?
- You want to reconnect with old friends and several people who have known you for a long time. What is holding you back? Why are you resisting? What memories are you trying to avoid as you re-embrace this beautiful time of your life? You seem to be choosing loneliness when company is available.
- What grief is tugging at you for attention? What losses are you ignoring that won’t let you off the hook? Uncried tears will manifest, be it through anger or sadness or both. Identify the source of your grief.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Communication, Education, Faith, Family, Grace, Grief |
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March 15, 2023
by Rod Smith
It’s a Saturday morning.
I’m 11.
I am riding my bike on the gravel entrance to E. W. G. Smith, General Dealer, my dad’s grocery shop as I have done for years.
A car eases alongside me and the driver leans his head out of the open window and asks me directions to Parkhill Soccer Club.
I know where it is but …. but… but everything I know sticks in my head.
Words fail.
Arms twitch.
My neck stretches.
Nothing.
Not a sound will come out of me but for gasps and whelps.
Then, I am choking on words.
Monosyllabic squeaks and squawks shot-gun out of me and I can’t stop.
I turn my bike to look elsewhere and point down the road.
The driver mimics my sounds, movements, and laughs and points. He fake-chokes. He spits, jerks his head, playing to his audience, a car full of adults. They all begin to move their arms, spit, copy my rapid repetitions until at last the driver shifts his gears and the car tires rip the gravel and the merciless mockers are gone.
I retreated into the house and into myself.
Closed all doors.
I am debilitated.
For days I want to hide in shame and resist venturing into daylight.
Yes, I’m 11 and I enter days of dark silence, moodiness, and humiliation.
I can’t shake this stutter. I can’t shake the shame.
The memory of trying to give directions to a place I knew so well plays repeatedly in my head and humiliation washes over me everytime i think of it and even when I don’t.
Posted in Anger, Children, Communication, Education, Family, Grief, Parenting/Children |
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October 19, 2020
by Rod Smith
Inner urges to defeat:
Combat the often-impulsive urge to impress, save the day, be the hero. Of course there is nothing amiss with living an impressive, heroic life. It’s good to deploy your skills which may result in your “saving the day” for someone. I hope you do. We are all called to do the right, next good favor. We are called to look out for each other. May we all be alert to others and as a result find ourselves in occasional heroic circumstances as a result of going about the business of daily life.
The urge I am encouraging to defeat is the urge to be the good, nice person who wants to save others, to be the hero, in order to be noticed. Fight the driving force or insatiable urge to be the ever-present hero.
If you are going to be a noble it will be an outcrop of your natural and daily living. You will not have to go out seeking it.
Find that urge, go there, and quell it rather than be in constant search for the opportunity to don your cape.
Good, strong, authentic people don’t have to put on their capes or prove anything about their strength.
Their capes are everyday attire.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Family, Family Systems Theory, Friendship, Grace, Grief, Leadership, Listening |
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May 22, 2018
by Rod Smith
Grief is a complex matter. Expressing it ought to be encouraged. Stopping it up, denying its presence or refusing to express it can be downright dangerous. Lodged within, it is poison to the soul. It corrupts thinking, messes with feelings, and diminishes the capacity to experience the full range of human emotion.
The power and reward of denying it or ignoring its necessity ought never be underestimated.
If grief is in you, rather get it out.
If it seems impossible find someone who is trained to assist.
Grief unexpressed can shift personalities and be a welcome-mat for toxins to enter whole families and set whole communities off in directions they would rather not go.
Ignored grief poisons while it steers.
Un-cried tears turn to anger and anger transforms into walls of the heart and walls of the heart are vividly signposted with “Keep Out” and “Danger: No entry” posted on all sides.
Please, don’t tell the man or woman who has suffered loss to “get over it” or to “move on” or to “man up.” Grief-suppressing exhortations that are most unhelpful.
That miscarriage, that betrayal in marriage, that loss of a child, that sudden illness that took a beloved spouse, may take years to seep into the psyche of the man or woman who has faced it, let alone make sense of it, or even ever be able to “move on” from it.
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Forgiveness, Grace, Grief |
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May 13, 2018
by Rod Smith
On Friday of this past week I met a superhero: Eva Kor. Mrs. Kor is a holocaust survivor and former victim of Josef Mengele and his infamous and ghoulish medical tests. Now in her eighties, Eva eloquently told a spellbound audience about her imprisonment at Auschwitz with her twin sister. They were 10. She told of her many encounters with Mengele, of their eventual liberation, and her subsequent life of recovery, forgiveness, and unfathomable determination.
Here are a few almost direct quotations. When your heart is simultaneously grieving and rejoicing as mine was, it’s difficult to take perfect notes:
- Never give up on yourself or your dreams.
- Ask yourself everyday what you can do to make the world a better place.
- Do whatever is possible to get rid of all prejudice in your life.
- Discover for yourself that you have the power to forgive.
- Refuse to be a good victim. Rather forgive. Forgiveness is the best revenge. If I could forgive Mengele I knew I could forgive everyone.
- Forgiveness is the best revenge: it works and it has no side effects.
- Forgiveness is about you and it has nothing to do with the perpetrators.
- People who forgive are at peace with the world.
Posted in Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Forgiveness, Grace, Grief |
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May 6, 2018
by Rod Smith
Somewhat of a theme has emerged of late in my private practice. I’m seeing several parents, particularly mothers, who have difficulty treating their adult sons and daughters and their families as whole, separate entities from themselves. They appear to want mothering to continue when their mothering is over.
Yes. Mothering ends. I’ve written on this theme often in this column.
It is as if the adult women are saying, “I raised them to have wings but I did not expect them to use the wings,” or, “I gave them wings but they need me to show them how to use them and where to fly.”
I have compassion for these parents. It is pronounced for those who have lost a spouse to death or divorce and who then see the natural separation their adult sons and daughters rightfully and appropriately enjoy as another evidence of abandonment.
If the adult sons or daughters are prone to guilt they will quickly capitulate to the pressure to take care of mother and/or come under her control. This will often expose stresses and stimulate conflict within the marriage.
It’s even more complicated when both spouses each have a parent who inflicts a couple with such expectations.
Am I suggesting abandoning mom? Of course I am not.
Remain loving, remain out of control, and remain connected. That’s what loving adults do.
Write to RodESmith122@gmail.com
Posted in Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family Systems Theory, Friendship, Grace, Grief, High maintenance relationships |
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April 22, 2018
by Rod Smith
Grief and grieving is a life-long process. If you have suffered great loss, the death of a spouse, parent, child, or sibling, marriage, a deeply-bonded relationship, recently or decades ago, do not be surprised if:
- You are still not over it. Some losses are never fully grieved and will leave deep scars and escape healing or recovery or closure. This is all true for you despite what you have read and heard about “time heals.”
- Others, even people close to you, expect you to “move on” when there are days you feel as crippled by the loss as if it just happened. Consequently, you develop a story about why you are having a bad day because, if you confess your actual experience, you know you are tiring those who think you should have “moved on by now.”
- You feel guilty when you do sense freedom from the loss and you feel guilty when you don’t.
- You sometimes dream about the person whom you grieve and in the dream you know you are dreaming and want the dream to last forever. Waking up from the dream feels like a letdown of immense proportions.
- You measure your life in terms of “before” and “after” the loss of a person you love or the relationship you had.
Posted in Difficult Relationships, Faith, Grace, Grief |
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February 22, 2018
by Rod Smith
“My sons are 14 and 11 and are both very close to their grandmother. They know their grandmother is facing some serious health issues. I try to guard them from the harsh realities but I also don’t want to cover up the truth. My mother is a very positive woman and wants to include them in conversations about her health. What do you think?”
I’d suggest you trust the strong bridges you have all already built toward each other for many years.
Tell your sons about your impulse to guard and protect them from what is happening in the family.
Talking about how you want to shield them is as important as the conversations about their grandmother’s health. Open conversations are a means of offering support and love and will feed the hope you all share. Invite your mother to share as much as she is comfortable with sharing and invite her to do it with or without your help or presence.
Meaningful and kind and considerate conversations help families breathe and the legitimate inclusion of your sons will not only help them play their significant role in their immediate community but also prepare them to love and support you and their own families in days to come.
Posted in Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Grace, Grief |
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January 15, 2018
by Rod Smith
“Today is the 1st anniversary of discovering that my lady friend had been having an affair over the previous month with a fast-talking operator who is half my age. She told me it was over, a mere a flash in the pan for which she felt neither remorse nor regret.
“The revelation was devastating and reduced me to an emotional wreck. Over the next two months I was almost suicidal and had to seek professional help. I still loved her; I attempted to recover with the assistance of a therapist and researched depression and heartbreak. I lurched from one temporary separation to the next but was always so pleased to reconcile that it seemed the hurt was receding. That was until the next crisis surfaced.
“Then I read your column on forgiveness and experienced a wonderful epiphany. Suddenly I realized that I was punishing myself for actions for which I was not responsible. A huge cloud lifted and healing began. Today, a year later, I have absolutely no painful memories of the incident, feel rejuvenated and bear no resentments.
Thank you so much for your advice.”
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Grace, Grief, Love, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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November 30, 2017
by Rod Smith
When referring to my brother’s generosity I wrote that I believe generosity is among several of the most powerful human abilities. I’ve seen it time and again do its fabulous work.
Here are more of what I believe to be innate human capacities.
Exercised, they make us “more human.” Neglected or ignored, I believe they render us rather cold, even inhuman:
- The capacity to forgive even the most grievous offenses – yes, of course it’s hard, but NOT doing so may be even harder.
- The capacity for empathy – to see and understand, but of course, not necessarily agree with, the perspective of another, even that of an enemy.
- The capacity to influence for good (and, to influence for ill is bundled within the same set of human strengths). We have the power to influence – let’s hope it is used for good.
- The capacity to learn from mistakes and errors, and to learn that it is possible to not repeat them.
- The capacity to move up the brain and therefore allow ones self to think more objectively, engage in better long-term planning, and form the habit of responding rather than reacting.
- The capacity to listen more than to speak. If we listen we may actually learn something – when we speak we are usually repeating what we think we already know.
- The capacity to calm the ego rush – or the ability to see and understand that being right or recognized or winning doesn’t come close to the joy of learning to be loving.
Posted in Addictions, Anger, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family Systems Theory, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Grief |
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