Understandable missteps in blended families

• Proclaiming “we are one big happy family” by the adults will be heard as a script that now must be followed, or covertly rejected. Children know the truth. If the blended family is happy it will require no announcement or proclamations. Happiness and contentment will speak loudly for themselves. 

• The step parent heartily confesses “I know i am not their mom/dad and I will never replace their absent parent” and yet tries too hard at playing the parent or friend role anyway. Step sons and daughters may really like the “new” husband or wife. The children may genuinely enjoy the adult company. But when step-mom or step-dad over-step boundaries – too much too soon – the confusion the children express will be experienced as rejection.

• There is a tendency among blended families to over-supervise, to repeatedly check if everyone is doing well with the new family arrangement. There is a tendency to over-structure relationships rather than to trust the children (of all ages) to let them develop naturally. Such anxiety from the adults can upset the children who are quite happy to let things develop at a natural pace. Let people be – they don’t need as much help as many adults may think. 

My office — if anyone is interested. I call it The Dream Center

If you want to stimulate greater health in your family – immediate and extended – there are things you can do, all of which are simple, but not easy:

Shift your focus and attention off the members of your family and what they are doing (or not doing) or saying (or not saying). Become a total expert in your own behavior and in your own behavior only. 

You may begin to see and appreciate just how much your behavior supports or encourages what is uncomfortable for you in members of your family. 

Yes. You may begin to see how your behavior promotes or supports what you criticize in others. 

All relationships impact (shape, modify) all relationships. 

Take care of what you are doing (or not doing) and saying (or not saying) and you will see some changes begin to occur, some of which you may like and some which you may not.  

For example, the wife who complains that her husband is “a slob who won’t clean up after himself” may see that her over-functioning for him by cleaning up after her husband is supporting the behavior in him she most despises!  

The dad who complains that his children are always scrolling on their phones may want to use his for calls and texts only so his observations and expectations of his children gain a leg to stand on.

Good morning, INDIANA