Archive for March 29th, 2010

March 29, 2010

My whole week was full of butterflies…….

by Rod Smith

“I’ve been married for a year. The marriage has been horrible. He has cheated multiple times and been violent at times. We have a mutual friend who I started liking him because he’s a really nice guy and my marriage was bad. So a week ago I told him how I feel about him and he revealed he also had feelings. My whole week was full of butterflies and emotions I never got from my husband. Yesterday my husband and I agree on a divorce but then he changed his mind and we had a big argument with violence and cops. So my husband’s gone and today my ‘friend’ phone and tells me to stop calling him because he doesn’t want trouble. Talk about my heart being crushed! I think I’m in denial because I’m trying to let it go and say it is his loss and I’ll get somebody better but I really had my hopes on this guy. Very sad.”

I agree it is sad, perhaps for reasons other than your stated reasons. Fulfillment is not found in having a man, but rather in growing up. It’s in becoming a fully productive person; it is in developing your skills, pursuing your dreams, whether you have a relationship or not.

March 29, 2010

I’m crazy about him……

by Rod Smith

“I have been with my husband for 21 years now, married for 19. I loved him madly when we met and could not wait to get married and have kids. Have three gorgeous boys (18, 16, and 11). My husband has beaten me and cheated on me. He has another child with another woman who is only 3-years-old – all while we have been married. His children hate him and don’t respect him at all. Now I have met another guy and I’m crazy about him. He has even asked me to leave my husband and I’m seriously considering it, but why am I so scared of taking this step? Help me please.”

it will be from the fire, into the fire.....

Being “crazy” about someone is exactly that: crazy. Until you find some peace with your marriage, or until you are free of it for a year or two, any man who shows you some thoughtfulness and attention will appear as a knight in shining armor. Don’t confuse attention with love.

Leaving your husband (a scary thought even for women in the worst of circumstances) given his abusive behavior ought to be given consideration. Hooking up with some guy you are crazy about ought to terrify you. Don’t do it. Not yet, anyway.

March 29, 2010

Leadership – a brief refresher…..

by Rod Smith

The courage to lead....Leadership is often misunderstood. I see leaders (pastors, teachers, coaches) looking for formulas, for steps, for ways to show who is boss. They look for workers (congregants, students, athletes) who will make them appear successful. I have seen leaders grasping for power and status in the illusive search of abating feelings of inadequacy.

And when we (every leader is prone to these temptations) do any of these things as leaders, we miss the point.

Leadership is an inside job.

It’s an internal condition. It’s understanding a function, a role, rather than becoming an identity in which we glory.

Authentic leaders are more interested in changing themselves than they are in changing others. They are more committed to personal integration (reducing hypocrisy) than they are into pushing, moving, manipulating others in a particular direction.

In pursuit of greater levels of personal integration, authentic leaders are ruthlessly honest with themselves and with a few core carefully chosen family members and carefully chosen friends. They are unafraid of feedback, and when and if they are, they overcome it by facing the fear and enduring the feedback. Authentic leaders consistently pursue the double-edged goal of constantly increasing both intimacy and autonomy at one and the same time.