Archive for July, 2012

July 4, 2012

He flew off the handle when I read to him in bed last night……

by Rod Smith

“After fifteen years and I have finally come to grips with the fact that my husband is manipulative. I was reading a marriage book to him last night and it touched on all the things he was doing. He flew off the handle and that let me know he was guilty. I had been told he had been doing this by family but could not see it. Now I see it. I left him once and came back because of manipulation. God has opened my eyes. I have four children. I no longer want this relationship, and because I decided to come back to him to work on the relationship, my family is upset with me but, when I leave this time, I am not coming back. The only way to keep from falling back into a situation like this is to pray and ask God to get me out of the situation. Once out, I will stay out, no matter what.” (Edited)

Three things:

  1. Stop blaming your husband for your actions.
  2. Be sure you work at least as hard at this as you want God to work at it.
  3. You get an “A” for style – reading a marriage book to him that touched on all the things he was doing!
July 3, 2012

by Rod Smith

Thoughts on Leadership revisited

Great leaders are a rare find. Power-trip “leaders,” martyrs as “leaders” self-pitying “leaders” and manipulative “leaders” are plentiful; they run countries and cities and teams all over the place but great leaders are like an endangered unprotected species. It’s unusual to find them running anything at all.

I had a high school teacher who perfected the art of great leadership, and I saw it at work recently in a well-known coach. Although I am not always certain, I have read about a few mayors who apparently have a clear grasp of it. But the scarcity is understandable. Inevitably, authentic leadership will be opposed, resisted, often rejected and even put to death. It unwittingly unsettles every complacent trace within us, and, once we enter its influence, it challenges our laziness and seems to expect that we deliver our best. For these reasons such leadership is often unwelcome.

In the face of…

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July 2, 2012

Healthy men are interested in healthy women…..

by Rod Smith

“I’m 43 years old and divorced with a child. I’ve been attracted to this man for over a year. We both work in the same place. I speak to him by saying ‘hi’ or ‘good morning.’ I don’t chase him but I look at him and walk on. Sometimes I catch him looking in my direction and he smiles. Why am I always attracted to the wrong kind of men especially married ones? Since my divorce I haven’t had much luck with men. I don’t go out I just stay home. Maybe someday I’ll find someone. Right now I’m just letting time takes its course.”

I commend you for recognizing the man is married. Attractions, as you seem to perfectly understand, do not give you permission to act. You are “holding onto yourself” despite your attractions. This is good self-management and will prove to be good for you and for your child.

While I understand your use of the colloquial “luck” with men, I’d suggest meeting the “right” man would not be a matter of luck but rather the result of your focusing on your personal development. The “right” men, men who are caring and ambitious, thoughtful and well read, are interested in women who are the same.

July 1, 2012

Is it ok to lie about divorce?

by Rod Smith

“I entered a relationship with a divorced woman with three children. I discovered early on that she had lied about her marital status. She was in fact separated, not divorced. I ended the relationship as she had lied to me about her marital status and felt that she had ‘unfinished business’ with her husband. I felt that I ran the risk of her going back to her husband. I have never dated a woman who is separated. Is it ever appropriate to enter into a relationship with a woman who is separated?”

 

  1. I cannot condone a blatant lie but some truth is harder to tell. I’d be inclined to give a woman a break. I have met brutally honest women who can barely utter the “D” word.
  2. Of course the woman is going to have “unfinished business.” She has three children and a history and a future with him, separated or divorced. Loving her will mean embracing it ALL. There is no clean slate.
  3. You felt you “ran the risk of her going back to her husband” suggests you are self-protecting without considering what might be best for the woman and her children.
  4. I’d suggest it is unwise to knowingly enter a relationship with a married person.