A woman writes and seeks opinion….

by Rod Smith

“Regarding affairs: it’s not fair to generalize. Of course affairs aren’t right, but life isn’t perfect and people change. People fall out of love all the time and it’s hard to hurt someone you’ve been with for a long time even when you don’t love them anymore. Affairs are a big ‘gray area’ where situations differ. Often, it’s two people finding each other at the wrong time. I agree that those two people need to do what is needed to make is right. Sometimes it takes time to work through the details. I found that my affair partner was ‘comfortable’ in his relationship with his wife but not in love with her. At the same time, she knew she had not done anything wrong. It was hard for him to hurt her and be the ‘bad guy’ in the eyes of family and friends. It’s the same with my husband: I no longer loved him but he had done nothing wrong. I simply fell out of love with him. Does that make my affair and me bad people? We care enough about our spouses to not want to hurt them, but realize it’s not fair to them or ourselves to live a lie.” (Edited only for word count)

3 Comments to “A woman writes and seeks opinion….”

  1. To quote Rod:
    “Leaving any marriage takes courage, but staying in it, and achieving something worthwhile within it (but for peculiarly pathological circumstance) probably requires more.”

  2. There is nothing gray about adultury. The word affair is a bit soft when there is nothing pretty about it. And it seems you’re trying to justify both your actions through rationalization. What is rationalization? It’s the unconscious process that keeps a person from feeling bad about himself. I wonder if you could rationalize it in the same way if you were the betrayed one. You ask if you are bad; you actions certainly are. You say you’re 2 people who found each other at the wrong time. If it’s the “wrong” time, then it’s not the “right” time. At this point you will never be able to make it right. A marriage is two people who spoke vows, promises to each other. If that promise meant nothing, then yours & his will mean nothing either and neither of you can ever be trusted. I don’t believe you “simply” fall out of love with people. I do believe that the two of you with “effort” placed yourselves in situations to cause this to occur. The affects of adultury is devastating. Few other forms of treachery touch us as deeply. The betrayal of one’s spouse is probably the most devastating event that can occur in life. Love is shattered, trust is destroyed, families on both sides are torn apart, and spouses and children are left to pick up the pieces and bear the pain. Caring “enough” about someone is never putting yourself in a position that will cause that kind of devastation to so many. It amazes me how two people can think their decisions are worth doing that to other human beings. I believe at the core of it all is selfishness, irresponsibility and unforgiveness. Someone said that they would much rather grieve over a spouse who died than to grieve over a marriage that died because of adultury. Because this is what I am facing at this moment, I would have to agree. I say to you if you and this other person, go back to your spouses (who did nothing wrong) and the same effort you made to commit adultury, put it into your spouse and see how blessed you will be because of it.

  3. bonnie,I could’nt have said it better!

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