Archive for January 29th, 2009

January 29, 2009

I want a divorce, she does not….

by Rod Smith

“I want to know how one can facilitate an amicable divorce when the other party opposes the prospect. We’ve had marital counseling for 6 months. Despite telling the psychologist the past 40 years of our marriage was torture, my wife refuses to accept that we have irreconcilable differences. Our life as a couple is a sham but appears good. She wants us to stay together to maintain an air of perfection. It is purgatory. I am miserable. She is attractive and intelligent so does not need ‘us’ to succeed. I am willing to provide for her and ensure she is secure and comfortable financially. When I broach the subject of divorce, she threatens to protract any divorce proceedings until I die and turn my (adult) children against me. She is more than capable of doing this. How can I be expected to stay with those vindictive threats? How do I leave this toxic relationship without hurting anyone and in particular without losing my children?” (Minimal edits for space)

dsc_0642“Amicable divorce” is possible when mutually desired. Even then, it is tough. You want war without casualties. Hurt is inevitable and inescapable. Your relationships with your adult children, if sound, will weather any storm. Speak your truth to your wife AND your adult children.

January 29, 2009

Seven words, a mini refresher course on getting very well:

by Rod Smith

1. Size – power, influence, authority. Be your size. Occupy your role, fill your own shoes and take your place in the world. Let your voice be heard.
2. Humility – the willingness to learn, to change, and be taught. Discover and use your talents. This is humility.
3. Emotional process – the hidden exchange between and among people. People who are “moving toward” you will hear you. Persons who are “moving away” from you will not hear you no matter how skilled a communicator you are.
4. Space – proximity, both physical and emotional. Keep the emotional space around you clear by pursuing an honest life.
5. “Toxic” space – attitudes, actions, resentments, memories that sully or distort the physical or emotional space between and among people. It is hard to “see” yourself and others, if, through unresolved issues or jealousies, you have shattered your interpersonal lens.
6. Challenge – taking on something new, growing up, facing a hurdle with desire to accomplish one or several goals. Challenge trumps empathy, it is more important to grow than it is to be understood. Both are preferable.
7. Adventure – taking necessary risks, avoiding the safe options, shifting life into new forms of growth. Adventure and growth cannot be controlled or simulated.

Tags: , ,