1. Size – power, influence, authority. Be your size. Occupy your role, fill your own shoes and take your place in the world. Let your voice be heard.
2. Humility – the willingness to learn, to change, and be taught. Discover and use your talents. This is humility.
3. Emotional process – the hidden exchange between and among people. People who are “moving toward” you will hear you. Persons who are “moving away” from you will not hear you no matter how skilled a communicator you are.
4. Space – proximity, both physical and emotional. Keep the emotional space around you clear by pursuing an honest life.
5. “Toxic” space – attitudes, actions, resentments, memories that sully or distort the physical or emotional space between and among people. It is hard to “see” yourself and others, if, through unresolved issues or jealousies, you have shattered your interpersonal lens.
6. Challenge – taking on something new, growing up, facing a hurdle with desire to accomplish one or several goals. Challenge trumps empathy, it is more important to grow than it is to be understood. Both are preferable.
7. Adventure – taking necessary risks, avoiding the safe options, shifting life into new forms of growth. Adventure and growth cannot be controlled or simulated.
Seven words, a mini refresher course on getting very well:
Best things you can do if your husband says he doesn’t love you…. a woman (Ann) writes…!
I thank Ann for this comment...
“Starting today, start taking care of yourself, pamper yourself, love yourself the way you want to be loved, throw your energy into your kids and yourself. Any contact with your husband or boyfriend be nothing but pleasant and nice: no fighting, no blaming. If he brings up divorce, breaking up tell him you don’t want that but YOU’LL SUPPORT HIM IN HIS DECISION. And leave it at that.
“Get your hair done, nails done (if you can afford to do so) give yourself facials, make yourself feel good about yourself and it will shine through.
“Remember, no yelling, no begging him, no freaking out on him, that will only push him further away.
“And don’t keep bringing up the past of hurtful things he has said and did, that just creates more drama.”
My husband ended an affair but I want to talk about it….
“My husband got caught up in an affair with a woman at work. Distance made it was difficult for them to see each other but it lasted 18 months. I found out. We moved country. Changed company. All forgiven. Our stable, happy marriage of 33 years suffered but was reestablished. Now 8 months ago, he has been assigned to the same province where she lives although 400 km apart. I suspect that they might be in contact either by phone or email and I suspect that she knows he is in this area and might try to see him. She was really determined to keep the affair going. I would like to know if I will jeopardize our relationship if I ask my husband if they are in contact or if he has heard from her. We have not spoken about her for 4 years nor about the affair. We chose to put it behind us.” (Minimally edited for space only)
Of course this must be talked about. Putting something behind you doesn’t mean never talking about it again — it means stopping the behavior, finding reconciliation, and discussing it whenever one of you needs to. Ask. Talk. Debate. What you avoid talking about will have more power than what you do talk about.
difficultrelationships.com 