Alone and hurting….

by Rod Smith

“I am in an affair with a married man. Although it is a year it seems like a lifetime. I was married when we began our relationship. My husband moved away and I thought he was going to make the break with his wife. One day he tells me not to give up on him. The next day he tells me he never said such a thing. He talks about ‘boundaries’ and how he ‘chooses not to leave’ his wife. I’m miserable. I go to bed alone every night. Every day I help him with his work while mine falls further behind. I would love some pearls of wisdom. I need to end this: but how?” (Edited)

The pearl of wisdom – “I need to end this” – is in your letter. Until you sever this destructive alliance (it’s not a “relationship”) you will have no joy. Until you have extended time alone (without a man in your life) you will not re-establish your integrity.

How do you end it? There is no easy way out! Resign. Disappear. Move to a new city. Change your phone numbers. You owe him no “closure” or explanation. Of course this is tough but the sooner you act, the sooner you will find relief from your misery.

9 Comments to “Alone and hurting….”

  1. There’s no magic to it, you just have to stop seeing him. He is not going to change. He is not going to leave his wife. It doesn’t matter what he says. You need to have some self respect and remove yourself from the situation.

  2. get out. It ges worse and your not number one ever. I too am in love with a married man whom has 3 childredn and they always promise you the world when all they want you to do is fill the voids in there lives. Your missing out on life and a chance for real happiness, is he jealous? Dont get that confused with love he just does not want to let the “side dish” go. Take a step back and look in and ahead. Good luck.

  3. why do we even fall for the married man? We have intamacy problems of our own. They always tell you how different you are of course thats why he wanted you you must be very different physically. This truely is what he wants. Lust passion attention. Men cheat for sex NOT love but the head games are good. Mine twisted everything around and was very jealous and demanding and very spiteful when he didnt get what he wanted…..a big spoiled baby. his wife is very nice and lets him do whatever he wants whenever he power trips loss of control makes him uneasy. he wants you and her dont think he would give up his wife so easy he wont.

  4. “How do you end it? There is no easy way out! Resign. Disappear. Move to a new city. Change your phone numbers. You owe him no “closure” or explanation. Of course this is tough but the sooner you act, the sooner you will find relief from your misery.”
    That is exactly an advise I’ve been looking for! In my case, there is no married man, but a man who doesn’t want to commit, yet he doesn’t want to let me go… This is so confusing me. But it’s so right, we owe him no closure or explanation, but sometime I feel like it was me who actually need it.
    Thanks for letting me leave a comment here.

  5. About this very topic, a good friend of mine (a pastor and counselor) once said, “No matter what happens, there is going to be pain involved.” Those are wise words.

    Based on what I’ve witnessed, trying to move slowly out of such a relationship is similar to losing an arm or leg by slowly applying a tourniquet, instead of just having the limb amputated. The pain may be less intense at each step, but the process takes so long, and you’re emotionally crippled the entire time. Amputation, in contrast, accepts that pain and loss is inevitable, and severs the connection forever. The intensity of the pain and loss is immediate and horrific, but two important things happen.

    First, the wound begins to heal, almost immediately. In that sense, healing doesn’t mean restoration of what was there before–it just means the bleeding stops. I have seen people go through this experience and never feel a sense of complete restoration. I suppose that has something to do with whether the “amputation” was the emotional equivalent to losing the tip of a finger versus an arm. The former is something you never forget, but may not change your life in any appreciable way over the long term. The latter will change your life forever.

    Second, the sooner there is complete and distinct separation, the sooner you start to develop the coping skills necessary for dealing with the loss. How does one learn to live without a fingertip, a finger, an arm, or a leg? The coping strategies will be different, largely based on the impact of the resulting change. Only you know how much of your heart you have committed to this man, which means that you’re the one who has to deal with the results of your choices and the current situation. (Please note that I’m not being judgmental in saying this… just pointing out that nobody forced you to make this choice, and so nobody else has to deal with the emotional debris that is now left behind.) – Tim

  6. I have been married for 8 years, I have a husband who has always loved and provided for me. I noticed around January 2008 a change in him. I asked but as he worked away from home he was under stress. In early may I noticed a text saved but not sent ‘by the way you looked good today’ I confornted him and he swore that nothing had happened and that when he re-read it that it did not sound right so he never sent it but enforced that nothing happened. For 3 weeks things just did’nt seem to add up I was crying all the time no sleeping keeping both up at night going over things in my mind and could not let things go He had been away with work over the Easter period for 9 days with work. I noticed on his bank statement a small amount of money being taken out I confronted him and put it to him that he was out for a meal with his manager (he was at work at the time) he came home and confessed that she had stayed in the same hotel for 4 days as the trains in London were not realiable and he needed the job done, i have been in turmoil since this I can’t sleep I don’t trust him, but I love him I ask him to leave then back track he is getting angry he made a mistake by not telling he that she was staying over to protect me from any stress. He also admitted that he had had ‘busniess lunches with her not social I had asked him several times had he ever taken her out but he has started playing with words. One evening I picked him up from the airport and I could smell perfume from the shirt he told he to put in the wash that it was me making it up, it turns out that on his final day at work they had hugged. It has been weeks now and still I am not sleeping, eating and am always looking and digging I can no longer cope and do not know what direction to turn. I hope at times that he has not betrayed me in another I wish he had as I cannot deal with the descision of will I stay or go.

  7. I’ve just ended a 6 year affair with a married man. I lost my husband tragically the year before I met V. He befriended me and made me feel “whole” again and about 6 months down the line, the affair started.
    I’m very angry because he lied to me all these years – there were signs of his infidelity towards me but I was so in love with him that I saw past the lies. In the beginning we had such fun, had so much to talk about, the sex was unbelievable and after a while, we became soulmates. The world couldn’t have been a better place. I was so in love with him and seemingly he was with me. He told me he never slept with his wife, that she was not “interested” and in the last year, he told me that they had separated when he bought her a home at the coast. This was a good sign, I thought, and he would be on his way to divorce his wife finally.
    My pain and hurt of being betrayed and used all these years. I’m very angry with him because when it came to the crunch, when I kept on confronting him about the divorce, he kept on telling me he was on the verge of doing it. I finally ended it last week – I’m devasted but I know I did the right thing. All those years of waiting for an sms or a phone call or a visit from him – all those Saturday nights, Christmases and special holidays sitting at home tormenting myself because he was at home with his wife and family. He was a good liar – convinced me of so many things, made promises every day, told me he loved me every day of the 6 years I was in the relationship with him.
    I phoned his wife eventually and told her – she was shocked to hear that her hubby would even be capable of having an affair and then I realised that all he had told me was in fact a huge lie.
    If I could give anyone any advice, is stay away from married men – it only leads to huge pain for everyone involved. Whilst you are in the middle of the affair, it’s seems too good to be true, and that’s because it is!
    I’m very sad about the loss of a love that I had – I was in love with someone who turned out to be a charlatan, a deceitful, compulsive liar. I’m going to get back on my feet and start to live my life, stop wasting my precious hours and days crying over a man who has hurt me so much.

  8. I think Tina’s advice to stay away from married men is good.. but I would add stay away from the wives of married men! Why would you phone her? Personally I think that was really wrong and self serving. You were dating a married man.. was it really such a shock to find out he was a liar? A married man having an affair is by definition a liar! He lies to his wife and children every single day! Try to remember that you are not the injured party here. I can’t understand why anyone would waste years and years of their life on someone who is unavailable to them.

  9. I totally agree with Lisamm. Women who cheat with married men are (or people who cheat in general) will find it very hard to get back on track after reality stikes. Why? Because they have been punished for the wrong doing to themselves, their side of the family, and the other party.

    Why are people so naive and selfish to have affairs? Hurt themselves and hurt others. What goes around does come around. If there is something missing in ones live, one must find it spiritually, not buy using SEX to past the time or fill the gap.

    Again, you are being punished for doing so wrong, that is why it’s so hard to get out and cope with affair situations. Then there’s the other side of the affair. The person who will decide if she or he will forgive the stupid actions of the one they love that cheated on them. Forgiveness is a gift, a great gift and even though much hurts inside, the truth of forgiveness will learn to heal both hearts, as long as both are in not out.

    Sorry for being so rough, but yes, forgiving someone who cheated on you really does hurt, but it’s because a decision was made to love the person who cheated on you, an now you must in turn learn a lesson too.

    Life is tough, but turning a negative situation into a positive long lasting life would be a gift from both persons and their true desires with the help from those from the the high heavens.

    Learn and be curious of how to re-live life through your own spirituality. That is when you will become more awaken to live life in a positive light.

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