March 22, 2007
by Rod Smith
My girlfriend has two girls who run right over her and she does nothing about it. The part that upsets me is that she will tell them that if they do something she is going to discipline them and they do it anyway and no action is taken. They get away with things time after time. I was raised totally differently and got what was coming to me. Another thing that angers me is their constant whining. They are used to getting whatever they want. I love my girlfriend but this is an issue that keeps us from growing. Her family and friends all think I am wrong with my beliefs and that she is right. Well society sees it my way when they are being brats in a public place. It gets to the point where I just want to knock their heads off and hers. (Letter edited)
Rod responds: Get help for your anger, Sir, before you find yourself in trouble. These children are not going away. The sooner you try to build a positive rapport with them the better. Trying to love, please, discipline, guide, and earn a living, for two little girls, is probably tough enough for your girlfriend. Adding an angry lover into mix must make it unbearable.
Posted in Anger, Blended families, Boundaries |
2 Comments »
March 21, 2007
by Rod Smith
Reader writes: I have been married for about six months and have a daughter of four months. My husband and I argue all of the time, about everything. I am really depressed. I don’t think he loves me. I never wanted to get divorced, and I can’t imagine putting my child through a divorce, but I just can’t imagine staying in this marriage. We had only been dating a few months when I got pregnant, and so we got married. I’ve always thought he only married me because I was pregnant. There is a huge age difference between us. I am 24. He is 40.
Rod’s response: The arrival of a baby can place a lot of stress on the strongest of marriages. It is too soon to be talking of divorce. Get some help. Find a group of other new parents to talk, and you will probably find your thoughts are echoed among them. I’d suggest you shift your emphasis from wondering why he married, or how he is feeling, to getting about the beautiful business of co-nurturing your young child. If you embrace being a wife and mother he may find it in him to do his equal share as husband and dad.
Posted in Children, Divorce |
2 Comments »
March 20, 2007
by Rod Smith
QUESTION: My boyfriend goes to visit his ex-girlfriend’s family almost every week. He has meals with them. He drops in on them. He stays in touch with them like he is one of them. I am NOT jealous. He even invites me to join him and I have been with him on a few occasions. His ex-girlfriend is dating someone else and she seems quite comfortable having him around. Here’s the problem: while he likes my family, he LOVES her family. I want him to love my family. Do you think I am being overly sensitive?
Clearly your boyfriend has found community (a place, meaning, significance, a source of pleasure) within the context of his ex-girlfriend’s family. I’d suggest you do nothing at all to try and pry him from this.
The sooner you learn to “go with the flow” and enjoy his community, the sooner he might be as comfortable within your extended family. Here’s the axiom: don’t interfere with relationships that pre-date the relationship you want. Such meddling will almost always come back to haunt you.
Posted in Blended families, Communication, Differentiation |
2 Comments »
March 19, 2007
by Rod Smith
QUESTION: While I was cleaning my son’s bedroom I found evidence that he (14) is smoking cigarettes. This was very disturbing. We are a family that has always emphasized the dangers of smoking. His father and I would like to handle this wisely. Do we tell his younger bothers?
ROD’S REPLY: It is always astounding to me that young men and women voluntarily begin behaviors that millions of older persons are trying to end!
Over a private dinner, take turns to address him about what you have found, and ask him if there is any information about the dangers of smoking he might be missing. A loving and united front, where mom and dad address him together regarding what you have found, will, in my opinion, be all your son needs at this time.
Make it clear, that with greater cunning, he is probably very capable of fooling his parents, and can continue to smoke. Make it doubly clear that you hope this is not the option he will choose. Tell him that while you will not police his behavior, you will expect him to do the wiser thing and refrain from smoking.
I can see no useful purpose in embarrassing your son by allowing news of his surreptitious behavior to reach his younger siblings.
Posted in Children |
1 Comment »
March 17, 2007
by Rod Smith
We are fully adult when:
1. We can be authentic with all people and treat others as equals, despite rank, position or the apparent lack of it.
2. We respect mutuality and equality in all of our relationships.
3. We have acknowledged our hurts, grieved appropriately, and decided to live to the fullest.
4. We can delay gratification.
5. Confusion, ambiguity and uncertainty are allies, not enemies. We can hold seemingly conflicting thoughts and beliefs without becoming unsettled.
6. We can take full responsibility for our lives despite past trauma or neglect. We no longer think, speak, feel or behave like victims.
7. We do not victimize others.
8. We have a small group of people to whom we talk about almost everything, but feel no compulsion to tell everybody or anyone everything.
9. We stop apologizing for things for which we could never be held responsible in the first place.
10. We can stand up for ourselves without hurting others.
11. We can see that all things are related and know quick “solutions” to problems are likely to generate new, unexpected problems.
12. We appreciate each day as much as possible rather than seem to be waiting for a day when things will be better.
Posted in Uncategorized |
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March 15, 2007
by Rod Smith
Please, pass this on...
To the woman who doesn’t understand her boyfriend’s need for “space”:
I’d suggest that when the relationship began it got too hot (too close, too intense, too everything) too soon. Once a little dust settled, what was intense and powerful feels just as powerfully suffocating.
When you want to know where he is, what he’s thinking, who he’s with and what he’s doing, all of the time, your best intentions of wanting to “be together even while we are apart” feel like suspicion, even if you are not the “suspicious type” and there is nothing to suspect.
Even if he is not phoning anyone you don’t know, or if he is not sending text messages to women he hardly knows, he still doesn’t want you to check his phone or phone bill. Some things are simply none of your business even if you are in a “committed” relationship.
Wanting, occasionally, to be with his friends and family without you is not a sign of his disrespecting you or of hiding anything, it is simply a natural desire people have to sometimes be in social and family settings where they can relax and not have to attempt to take care of the overwhelming needs of a high-maintenance girlfriend.
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Reactivity, Recovery, Space, Voice |
8 Comments »
March 14, 2007
by Rod Smith
Unhealthy patterns occur in relationships when a person …
- Does not sufficiently, or successfully, sever, and then recover from a previous romantic relationship before a new one begins. (Commonly referred to as “rebounding.”)
- Embraces a false, or faulty, unrealistic, definition of love.
- Gives the relationship an inordinate amount of attention. (This is seen when someone seems to disappear – becomes unavailable to other friends – in the wake of a new love interest).
- Offers too much of themselves (sexual favors, money, unlimited time) to someone whom he or she hardly knows.
- Has unrealistic expectations of any relationship, and therefore believes relationships offer what relationships simply cannot, and do not, offer.
- Thinks (believes, hopes) the other person is all he or she will ever need. [“I can’t live without you, AND you are all I need to live.”]
- Confuses nakedness with intimacy, lust with passion, and touch with love.
- Trades long-term commitment (taking things very slowly) for an immediate thrill (“I want it all now!”).
- Sincerely believes his or her love is powerful enough to change undesired characteristics in another person. (“Once we are married she’ll stop drinking.”)
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Forgiveness, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Long distance relationships, Pornography, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Space, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
March 13, 2007
by Rod Smith
1. You entertain no gossip and extinguish it the minute you see it rear its ugly head – even if the source is a longtime friend.
2. You take no sides in other people’s squabbles – even if one person is clearly right and the other is clearly wrong.
3. You stay on task and within the general boundaries of what you are hired to accomplish.
4. You understand that while sound and positive human relationships make for a good working environment, you are at work to complete work-related tasks – you are not at work with the primary goal of making friends.
5. You understand that if you blur the lines between your home life and your work life, you will contaminate both worlds with the anxieties of the other, and, as a result, make life seem impossible for people in both places.
6. You respect your boss and yourself enough to be able to stand up to him/her and directly address any injustice you see or experience within your work environment.
7. You talk directly, and only, with people who are appropriately empowered to act on an issue when you are dissatisfied about something at work – and you resist sharing your dissatisfaction with co-workers.
Posted in Communication |
1 Comment »
March 12, 2007
by Rod Smith
My girlfriend’s children are rude and get whatever they want from her. They are thankless and demanding. This is a woman I love and I am trying hard to help her with being a single mom. I was raised with strong discipline and my dad was never afraid to give us a good hiding. I think I should step in and give her children their limits. She says I better not touch them. This makes no sense. She can’t handle them and won’t let me do it. This is going to be what causes us to break up. Please help.
Chime in, please...
I’d suggest you do not, under any circumstances, resort to any form of physical punishment with the children. You are correct: this issue will probably result in the breakup of your relationship. Interfering in pre-existing relationships will almost always get a person in trouble. I’d suggest that you try to accept that your girlfriend will inevitably side with her children (over siding with you) even if the children are “demanding and thankless.” While we’d all prefer to live in a world where children were less-demanding and filled with appropriate gratitude, these are not values that you, the outsider, will be able to impart.
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation |
22 Comments »
March 10, 2007
by Rod Smith
Order it now... link on the right
“My husband told me he didn’t love me anymore last August. I knew it was because of another woman. It escalated from text messages, chats, and emails between them. It was so out of his character and so I blamed myself. We went to a church counselor and it completely saved our marriage. I have him back after six months of a woman bugging him to death. She’s a single mom who has never been married so I can see why she was after my husband. Now we are pregnant by his choice and mine! Things are better now and I want everyone to know,with a willing husband and the right counselor, things can get better. I read the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It changed my life and how I act towards my husband. There’s hope for people who think life has no hope. I’m a living example!” (Letter edited)
Rod’s Comment: Family preservation and restoration are causes for celebration. Congratulations. You helped turn a tough and hurtful situation into one that has made you stronger. While I am not familiar with the Schlessinger book I am pleased it assisted you. I strongly recommend couples also read Harriet Lerner’s “Dance of Connection.”
Posted in Betrayal, Boundaries, Faith, Family, Recovery |
33 Comments »
