March 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I had an affair and we now live together. It was very passionate. I was the true love he’d been looking for his whole life. Being divorced myself, this was also very thrilling for me. It really was, despite all the secrecy of our relationship, and it was the time when our relationship was at its best. We argue more now than we ever did while we were having an affair. I understand that things would ‘cool down’ but sometimes I think he regrets leaving his wife. Do you think he might have another affair and cheat on me?”
Please write, I'm reading...
They seduce the participants from their real issues and offer a false sense of belonging. The intensity you describe was probably not the product of authentic love, but of the secrecy and deceit required to maintain the affair. Adrenalin and anxiety combined can feel very much like the kind of love for which you have always longed.
Of course he might regret his divorce. Just as you too have discovered, he may also be reminded that his new domestic set up is not all he believed it would be. Since each of you is capable of cheating, as you have already demonstrated, of course it is possible for each of you to betray each other with someone else.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Forgiveness, Love, Manipulation, Marriage |
4 Comments »
March 7, 2007
by Rod Smith
READER QUESTION: Mine is an action-packed story of a marriage of 30 years. It has yielded wonderful children and grand children. Outwardly we are a normal, peaceful family. However, unnoticed by all, was an unfortunate and stressful issue of a wife, who experienced a hormone imbalance issue, which culminated her entertaining several extra marital affairs. Fortunately, or unfortunately, these actions were more an issue of once-off gratification.The mental trauma was indeed very difficult to bear, but some how, for the sake of family unity, all was put to rest and never discussed. I’m finding this whole issue extremely stressful and uncomfortable thoughts of the past flash through my mind. I am finding that my thoughts appear to be sparked off by the lack of an active sex life. At this stage in life, these pleasures of life have dried up for me. Was it my fault? Is it too late for me to get this relationship back on the high road?
ROD’S REPLY: Your moving letter suggests there is much hope for you. In the same manner as I have recruited local experts in areas of teen-suicide, drug addiction and other human maladies, I hereby request a local sex therapist to contact me, that I might put the reader in touch with face-to-face professional help.
For further and excellent reading on love and marriage and relationships in general go to www.lovehonoranddismay.blogspot.com
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Divorce, Domination, Past relationships, Reactivity, Recovery |
2 Comments »
March 6, 2007
by Rod Smith
QUESTION: My parents divorced when my sister and I were very young. My mum had many relationships that did not last. She is now 60 and very bitter. She appreciates nothing and tells us that we owe her everything for sacrificing her whole life for us. We provide financially for her and try and take her out often, but it doesn’t ever seem to be enough. We try our best for her while still keeping it together with our families, jobs, and lives. My sister and I are at our wits ends. She told us for years what terrible children we are. Recently in one of her many outbursts, she told us to forget we have a mother. We are trying to honour her as children should, but she turns every opportunity into an abuse session. How do we handle this ongoing situation without over compensating to our own detriment?
ROD’S RESPONSE: You are no longer children. Honouring your mother will involve steadfastly refusing to be manipulated. Playing into her self-pity will only cause it to grow. Define yourself. Decide, with your respective spouses, what you will and will not do, according to your immediate families’ needs. Allowing your mother to drain you in this manner serves neither you nor your children well.
Further readings… see: www.RichardMcChurch.wordpress.com
Posted in Boundaries, Communication |
1 Comment »
March 3, 2007
by Rod Smith
Making it a week of grace…
The challenge is simple: be a presence of grace and healing wherever you are.
Think ‘forgive’ not retaliation. Answer quietly, even if another roars.
Listen, even when it is something you’d rather not hear.
Resist return attacks with your own verbal volley when words are thrown at you, even if those words are untrue, unfair, and unwarranted. Don’t defend yourself, or attack anyone.
Grace is about presence, and service. It is about declaring your willingness to comfort, to assist, to encourage.
Grace is not demonstrated in blind giving, or indiscriminate enabling of the poor manners or the laziness of others, but it is shown when burdens are shared or when friends ‘clear the deck’ and so empower others to find their greatness.
Grace is about perseverance, perseverance in love, truth, friendship, loyalty, and in finding humor even in the darkest of hours.
May you make it, as far as you are able, a week of grace.
Posted in Grace |
1 Comment »
March 2, 2007
by Rod Smith
Question: I am in a bad relationship with a trustworthy man but I have no ability to trust or believe in him. I jump down his throat and feel disappointed when I don’t get the attention I require. I am jealous and suspicious. He will leave me if I carry on like this. I am trying to change and grow. I cry a lot and face fears but I can’t go faster than my heart allows. I get angry with myself but my upbringing was bad and abusive and I know the damage comes from there. I am scared of loosing because I think he is fantastic. He would be a fabulous dad, and a loyal husband. He helps me face my fears. To be honest, every day is a struggle and a headache. He comes from a stable, loving background and cannot understand my past. I don’t know whether to stay or go. He says he loves me, imagines me having his babies. We live together. I am a horrible, possessive, insecure girlfriend. (Letter shortened)
Rod’s Response: Marriage and babies will only increase the intensity of the difficulties. Living together is no taste if marriage. Without intensive personal work on your part – he’ll not be the man you now think he is.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Marriage, Sexual compatibility, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
February 27, 2007
by Rod Smith
Someone who loves you will…
- almost always put their cellular phone off when you are together
- not avoid or screen your phone calls or check up on who you have been phoning
- not lie to you
- make eye contact when you speak and listen to what you are saying
- say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ a lot
- not tell you what you need or should do
- seldom mind if you keep them waiting, but will work hard at being prompt for you
- not mind if there are things you’d prefer not to tell them
- usually ask you about your day
- laugh at your jokes even if the jokes are older than your grandfather
- work hard at loving your extended family even if it is only out respect for you
- encourage you to have many close friends
- enjoy seeing you using your skills and talents
- not tell you how to dress
- enjoy working together on the mundane daily tasks of life (www.tobeme.wordpress.com)
- show appreciation on days other than birthdays, holidays and anniverseries (www.tobeme.wordpress.com)
- take care of body, mind, and spirit (www.nancyaxelrad.wordpress.com)
- keep the faith with you in hard times (www.nancyaxelrad.wordpress.com)
- have patience not to give up, or leave, when business problems arise (www.dreambuilders.co.au)
- have ability to imagine what it’s like in the other person’s shoes before criticizing (www.dreambuilders.co.au)
- not try to change you (this and the following 3 are from “Mmmm”)
- remember the little things that matter in your life
- want to know the important people in your life
- introduce you to the important people in his/her life to show you are important
- will do, using the best of his/her ability, tasks that you ask him/her to do, even if he/she doesn’t enjoy the tasks and if they are a hassle or have no promise of any reward (From Joe at funkeemonk.com)
- has integrity, and will not say things just to make you feel better – even if they believe it to be untrue (www.funkeemonk.com/blog)
- will not insist on their way all the time
- will be kind to your friends
- will be careful with your feelings (www.lisamm.wordpress.com)
Posted in Communication, Forgiveness, In-laws, Recovery, Triggers, Trust, Voice |
8 Comments »
February 27, 2007
by Rod Smith
QUESTION: My girlfriend was very sexually active before we met. Jealousy often rages in me. She won’t tell me about any of her past relationships and it feels to me like she still prefers other men.
ROD’S REPLY: I predict that the more this eats at you, the more you will want to know. The more she tells you, 0r refuses to tell you, the more you will ask. Every detail she divulges will haunt you, and finally, your obsessions will silence her. When she is silenced, you will claim that she has something to hide or that she still has “feelings” for some guy she probably no longer even knows. This is your issue, not hers.
Shakespeare did not call jealousy the “the green eyed monster” for nothing. Try to get over it. If you want this relationship to grow in a healthy manner, you had better understand what is, and is not, your business. Jealousy over relationships that predate you is unreasonable. Her behavior then, is none of your business, now.
I’d suggest you focus on trying to be a little less controlling. My guess is that were this not the issue, you’d be jealous about something else.
Posted in Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Communication, Differentiation, Domination, Forgiveness, Past relationships, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Space, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence |
6 Comments »
February 26, 2007
by Rod Smith
Reader Question: “My son is 19 failed his first semester of tech. He is very clever and has always been very popular and a great achiever. All this changed when he turned about 16. He became dark, and quiet and withdrawn. Round the same time be began smoking cigarettes and drinking socially with the odd binge. He now complains bitterly that he never has enough money. I feel like I am funding his habits. I buy him all his food and do his cooking, as he cannot manage the money properly. I have suggested he get a weekend job to subsidise his income. He will ask me how much I love him and then ask for cigarettes. I put my foot down last week, it resulted in a text message from him which was abusive and saying he would never be contacting me again for anything ever again. (Letter shortened)
Rod’s Response: Fundamental error: you’re working harder at your son’s life than he is. Of course you feel as if you are supporting his habits – you are. Cut ALL financial help. This is not easily done but you’d better do it soon. If you support his ugly ways they will only grow, and consume you, and all who love him.
Posted in Adolescence, Children, Communication, Parenting/Children |
1 Comment »
February 23, 2007
by Rod Smith
Reader’s Question: My mother’s new boyfriend smokes a lot and I do not want him smoking in my house. It is bad for my children and leaves a horrible stench for days. What can I do and still welcome my mother’s new friend?
Rod’s Response: I am like you in this regard. I do not allow anyone to smoke in my house (or car, or office). It is bad for everyones health and leaves an odor that most non-smokers cannot smell.
Tell him (not your mother) ahead of time that, while you respect his right to smoke, you have a “no-smoking” policy in your home. Tell him you will be happy to meet him outdoors every ten or fifteen minutes, whatever his need might be, for conversation while he smokes only if he promises not to blow the smoke in your face. If you give him sufficient warning and are appropriately friendly, you will not be rejecting him. Rather you will be protecting your family and home from behavior that is damaging to both.
In your house there is no requirement that you accommodate smoking even if it were royalty that dropped in for tea. In your house you make the rules.
Posted in Uncategorized |
1 Comment »
February 16, 2007
by Rod Smith
Reader: My mother-in-law is still depressed after her husband’s death almost two years ago. They were married for over 50 years. I understand she lost the most important person in her life. The problem is that she pulls my wife into her grief which dampens so much joy in our family. My mother-in-law lives with us and I thought her sadness would subside. What can I do to help my wife from being almost immobilized with her mother’s grief? (Reconstructed with permission)
Rod Responds: I’d suggest you read the book A Group I Never Wanted to Join, a most helpful study in loss and grief by a grief and recovery expert Marty McNunn.
Then, in the kindest manner possible, tell your wife what you perceive is occurring.
Certainly grief can seem to have taken a relentless hold over your mother-in-law, and your wife may well be grieving in tandem with her. Emerging from her own grief may feel uncaring to your wife, or she might covertly feel she is abandoning her mother if she does not remain present with her in her deep struggle.
Apart from grief taking its toll in both women, you are most certainly aware that each woman has her own individual grief work to complete, quite independently of each other.
Posted in Grief |
2 Comments »
