Legend holds “things run in threes.”

How deep, widespread or embedded the belief is unknown, but waiting for the third “shoe to drop” or the news of a third illness or accident is somewhat common.

Such legends, when repeated, can breed and spread fear, put people on edge, heighten awareness until the fear becomes self-fulfilling.

Addictions too, I believe, run in threes. They recruit company. The person addicted to alcohol is probably also into excessive gambling and nicotine, or pornography and gambling, or….. and the list goes on and on.

On a brighter note, strengths too, I believe run in threes.

Strengths, self-improvements, personal transformations, too, are contagious, they inspire and “grow” each other until they spread and it becomes possible to lose count.

The forgiving man or woman is predictably generous and hospitable.

The insightful person is probably strongly intuitive and will display healthy boundaries.

People who care for their health and well-being are likely to encourage others to do the same, or, simply by witnessing their efforts and positive results, others are likely to follow suit.

Givers inspire others to give.

Forgivers inspire others to do the same.

Agents of grace stimulate others toward committing acts of grace.

Kindness begets grace and kindness.

What will you spread today?

Forgiving all others (no matter what) and self-forgiveness (no matter what) are often hurdles for many people to clear.

The latter is often more difficult than the former.

“You want me to make him free after what he did to me? Really,” someone may appeal, “he deserves to suffer.”

“Forgive myself? Deciding I am free after all I have done? I cannot forgive myself after the hurt I have caused. I deserve the regret and guilt. I need to suffer,” summarizes sentiments I have repeatedly heard.

Both responses (sometimes coming from the same person) leaves the speaker burdened, unresolved, unsettled. It leaves the speaker burdened, often year-in and year-out.

Is that you?

Setting others free, scores unsettled, giving oneself the grace to embrace mutual imperfections, in order to move closer toward embracing ourselves and others, while being imperfect,  increases our capacity (yours and mine) to treat others and ourselves with greater compassion and increased empathy.

The forgiver forgives for his or her sake to find freedom, peace of mind.

People often find it easier and are more ready to forgive others than they are to forgive themselves. I hope you will be able and willing to do both.

And, I hope the same for me.

The space between, and among, each of us, and all other people, from the most platonic to intimate, can often be inexplicably and unnecessarily complex.

Is the space open, honest, clear?

We look at each other through distorted, murky lenses, made complex by our unique, often traumatic histories:

Mary is keeping a secret from husband John. Mary oversees their day-to-day spending. What John doesn’t know is that Mary helps her aging mother with a few groceries and slips her mother some cash.

She finds herself doing this secretly.

Mary’s childhood was a tough one. Her parents fought poverty and her dad had a tough time keeping a job. John had no such experiences at all and, if he knew, would immediately comfort his wife and offer all the freedom he could to assure her there are no reasons to feel guilty about helping her mother.

John is most understanding man who would applaud her generosity if he knew. Mary is unravelling her complex history as it impinges on her day-to-day activities and is trying to reach into her future.

May you be gracious and kind to yourself as you face what from your yesterday impedes your today and tries to reach into your future. 

Yesterday — sunrise over Johannesburg International Airport (ORT)

I will teach this coming week in Tanzania. 

The campus is a 20 minute drive from the Kilimanjaro International Airport. 

I am not exactly sure where I am but I am told I am about 30 kilometers from Kilimanjaro, the mountain that is. It is to our east and, if the mist and clouds clear, all here on the campus will apparently have a clear view of the iconic mountain. 

After 25 hours in 4 planes and 26 hours wait-time for connections, I am here and the rewards are, at least in the immediate, seemingly endless. The bed is comfortable, the rural silence is broken only by birds and the croaks, the calls one hears in rural parts of the great African continent. Occasional voces in the distance, children running and playing somewhere, are sounds of comfort. 

The venue is made more appealing in that I have time to read and write and meditate. I placed an extra chair outside my front door, an invitation for passersby to sit for a while.

I have not met all (I met three as they stopped by to greet me on their way to church) of the young adult students who I shall have the joy of teaching this week but I do know they come from Tanzania, The Netherlands, and the USA.

Oh the joy.

You will know when your son or daughter (or You and I) are growing up and finding emotional maturity when …..

• He no longer talks like a victim and sees the world through the eyes of one who is disadvantaged. This has nothing to do with economic privilege or the lack of it.
• She no longer looks for who to blame for any and all circumstances in her life. This does not mean there are no legitimate issues where blame may be appropriate. It means she knows that continueing to blame others will get her nowhere worth going. 
• He takes responsibility for his situations because he knows he is the one common denominator on all of his affairs and relationships. Avoiding responsibility blocks progress and limits growth. 
• She learns the valuable lesson that she teaches people how to treat her with every interaction every day. What she tolerates will become the norm. 
• He speaks and behaves as one who knows what he wants, where he is going, and has a plan on how to get there. Knowing what he wants also clarifies what he doesn’t want.  

(I have used “he” and “she” simply because all apply to both males and females).

In a day or two I will be off to Kilimanjaro, then Durban, Cape Town, and finally home to Indiana. It’s a long trip – three weeks.

Having travelled a lot with my sons as babies and then as children and teenagers, it is when I am flying (alone) that I often miss them the most.

When they were babies fellow passengers, who, under most circumstances will mind their own business, forget this social norm when it comes to babies.

They express disbelief that a man can care for a baby, alone that is.

I quickly became accustomed to conversations that arose from sheer surprise that I, a man, was traveling alone with a baby.

Some revealed sincere interest.

Others were inquisitive or suspicious. 

I had to repeatedly remind myself that Thulani (my first-born son) and I were challenging “the way things are” in different nations when it comes to babies, childcare, adoption, especially single parent adoption. 

Passengers tell you what kind of people they are, by how they respond to babies on an aircraft. 

As the parent you have to make a decision about how you will respond to negative responses. 

The occasional businessman will hurrumph at the idea of being near a baby on a flight (most especially on rare occasions we were upgraded to business class).

In my book he was declaring what kind of man, father, grandfather, he really is.

Character is tested and revealed in multiple ways 

How a person treats animals is a big one. You don’t have to be a “cat person” or a “dog person” but you can be kind to those who are. You can be kind to all animals, creatures, and other moving things. Those who are unkind to the helpless are waving red flags. Take notice. Beware. 

How a person treats those who can do nothing for him or her (or believes they can do nothing for him or her) is telling you who they really are. This may include wait staff in restaurants, Uber drivers, car guards. If Mr. or Mrs. Important ferries around an attitude of superiority among those who serve, he or she may be in for a hard lesson. Life has a way of revealing that none of us is above or below others. It is a lesson often taught via painful experiences. 

How a person treats the elderly, the disabled, those who are rendered incompetent for whatever reason. If a person can be impatient with the disabled he or she can be so with anyone. Red flag Take notice.  

Character is revealed in how people handle their status, airline status, hotel status – whatever business awards with exclusivity or preference or priority. Enjoying what is earned and achieved is appropriate. Using it as a weapon of superiority or importance is a character flaw, and a waving red flag.