Husband is a drunk who tries to blame me for his abuse of alcohol and me….

by Rod Smith

My husband of 20 years is an alcoholic. He gets abusive when he is drunk and cannot have his way with me. I moved out 3 months ago. I asked him to give up drinking and seek help, which he says he will do. He blames me for the problem and accused me of making the children (12 and 18) uncomfortable due to them having to live between two homes. When he is sober I tend to feel sorry for him. He has never been abusive when sober. He claims if I come back he will give it up or control his drinking and cannot do it without us.

Kind, strong, pointed - daily

Kind, strong, pointed - daily

It is his drinking, and not your behavior that has resulted in your deciding to move out. If your children are uncomfortable with having to live between two homes is it his drinking that has necessitated the move. (I will point out that most children are quite relieved to be out of homes where the abuse of alcohol and all it often entails must be endured).

Don’t fall for his blame game – you are not the drunk. If you want the marriage, reconsider moving back after he has had at least a full year of total sobriety through the consistent help of Alcoholics Anonymous.

13 Comments to “Husband is a drunk who tries to blame me for his abuse of alcohol and me….”

  1. Rod’s advice here is solid. You have taken control over your life, continue that control. You would be hurting yourself and your children if your relingiush that control back to your husband.

  2. Both persons involved in the above abusive relationshp need to detox. At least for the sake of the children. In this case, it is imperative for the husband to solve the nature of his addictive bahaviors. Perhaps, his family of origin or a significant influence from his past have created the circumstances of his addiction. Or it may be he is predisposed to be an addict. Either way, he needs help. BUT, on the other hand, the mother needs to as well figure out what part she has played in bringing this person into her life. What significant person from her life does the husband represent. And, what behaviors from her past does she require to happen subconsciously in order to feel comfortable. Has she participated in his drinking….unwittingly YES! And, it is only through carefully deconstructing the very toxic nature of this relationship will there be any long term happiness for the man, the woman, and ultimately the children. For the children, depending on their ages, are presently learning many of the wrong ways of what intimate relationships is all about. And it some cases, they will simply replay or recreate their home of origin without even realizing it. Break the cycle of behavior by showing the young one’s how healing can happen if you so chose to feel real happiness. Show them the way to feel good by making an attempt to be good.

  3. you needed to get out, getting your childern away from the abuse was the only thing you could do to save yourself and kids ,drunks do not change for other people.they have to do it for themselfs

  4. Run don’t walk to ALANON. Go every day if you can. There you will find others who are just like you and who are facing the same dilemmas that you are. They need you and you need them to help you deal with the disease of alcoholism that has wrecked your life. There is a better way to live. You can change only yourself, one choice at a time. By doing that you will be modeling healthy choices for your children. They deserve nothing less from you.

  5. I find it odd the results I got when I did a Google search. “Wife blames me for her alcoholism” vs. “Husband blames me for his alcoholism” either men are more prone to alcoholism (which I think is not true) or women tend to seek the help more often.

    I am in the exact only opposite situation. It is my wife who is the alcoholic. Having lived in this situation for almost 2 years now and doing some real inner searching I can say this.

    You made the right choice by removing yourself from the situation. Nothing will change if nothing changes and you made a healthy change for yourself.

    When he is sober is the time to talk about his getting the help he needs. Do not feel sorry for him as this will not be productive for you or him.

    Do not listen to “He claims if I come back he will give it up or control his drinking and cannot do it without us” Not only can he do this without you but he needs to. Sure you, the kids, the marriage can all be motivations for him but he needs to do this for him and only him. I can almost guarantee that if you return nothing will change. If you want the marriage tell him so. Tell him you are not interested in another relationship but tell him you will not return until he has gotten help.

    I do not agree that it needs to be a year but he needs to have at least a few months with absolutely no drinking. After a few months discus what it would take for you to move back in (within the following couple of months, not right away), agree on specifics and what the ramifications would be if he returned to drinking and the two of you put it on paper and keep it where it can be seen everyday.

    If you move back in, don’t baby him, enable him or feel sorry for him. Force him to have responsibility for himself and his part of the family and marriage. Encourage him and let him know you notice his improvement, tell him why you prefer him sober and how much better things are that way and support his efforts. Keep him in a support group to help prevent relapse as this can be very common.

    If you notice he has had anything to drink it must be addressed immediately. If he will not address it, hides it or it continues you need to move back out and probably for good this time.

  6. This is a very sad story. It is horrid when anyone has to go through something like this. Alcohol is so destructive – it destroys not just the life of the addicted person , but also the lives of those who love them.

  7. My kids’ dad blames me for his drinking…I’m not pretty enough ( I used to model for Ford) i am fat, I am ugly, stupid & everything else…He could have been successful… yada yada yada…anyway he is the one with a personality disorder..not me; sure I’m not perfect, but I ‘adjusted’ to his abusive behaviour…no more! 2009 is here!

    • I really wish I could move out and stand up to this disease. The problem is we live walking distance to my kids school. I dont want to leave the house that I pay for…. and I cant get him to leave. I have children and animals and it would be hard to find someone to live with that I can take everyone with me … I agree that is the best thing to do. I kcked my husband out 14 years ago, and he said he will never leave again. i guess if I want the problem to stop , I would have to risk everything. thanks and good luck

  8. I feel for you, for I am in the same situation. I get told I do not respect him. That I am fat and not worth anything. Yet I work and have been on the same job for 6 years in this time he has been thru at least 20 jobs if not more. He blames me for his drinking I talk too much. Today was the worse day ever he spent over $500 since last night and it is all my fault. If only I was a better wife. He put his hands over my mouth and nose and said he was going to kill me then told me later he was going to burn everything in the house. I told him to leave tonight I can’t fall asleep if he is here for I fear I might not wake up tomorrow.

  9. Alcoholics are experts at manipulation and you have to stay one step ahead of them. I am married to a repeat-offender DWI who cannot drive anymore. He is verbally abusive when he drinks enough beer and he drinks very fast. I drink too but never had a DWI – why, because I know what the legal limit is and when to stay home and when to stay where your’re at when you have had too much to drink. He lies to me, his boss (he’s a ranch hand – we live on the property of his employer) and even his 15-year-old daughter. She has picked up on his lying and I am trying to break her of this as she is a very intelligent girl. All I can say is I have to play detective and be the responsible one and even have to call his boss when he says there is no work. I work at home doing medical transcription and for the most part my life is pretty easy but I do have this drunk to contend with whom I do love – he’s got a great sense of humor and we do have a 25-year marriage and a beautiful daughter. But only recently have I been able to detach and stick up more for myself and try to set an example for my daughter – by the way she has a wonderful boyfriend who plays guitar, sings, is a computer genius, doesn’t drink or smoke or do drugs, and loves my her. And he sees what goes on in our home and how the Dr. Jekyl/Mr.Hyde scenario can happen unpredictably. You know what I do now? I keep my composure and don’t rant and rave anymore. Sometimes it makes them madder but sure makes you look better and feel better and makes your child feel like SOMEBODY’s in control. God bless – Susan

  10. It is so sad to hear everyone is in the same position as me, I have a famous husband and he drinks all day he cannot wait to start at 12.00 it makes him feel beter to start that time and he will then say he is not a drunk. Last nite was it for me, when he came home and i saw him taking CAT in our house with my child in the house!!! I was so angry I told him he must leave.. He is such an aggresive person he will not leave!!! I want him out of my life!!!

  11. I have been married for 50 years to a man who is a big time drinker. He worked 8 to 5, never missed a days work, but after work sure liked to hit the bottle. He is verbally abusive, and is always one conversation away from an argument. He is a diabetic, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, cancer survivor. I cannot understand how you can abuse your body and brain with so much alcohol. You would think at the age of 75 you would slow down. I called the police last year, because he threatened me. He spent the night in jail, and made the big promise that he would change, that lasted about 7 days. We have three adult children, who are very supportive of me, and keep telling me to leave him, I wish I had the backbone to do it.

  12. Here are a few things I’ve learned after 22 years of this crap. If they say they’re going to change because they fear your departure, it is a lie and a ploy. Everything they tell you that is wrong with you or your fault is derived from their guilt. Tehy drink because they choose to and even in the most extreme cases (DUI, missing family events, losing jobs etc…) they will rationalize why it happened and it’ll never be because they were drinking. I left. I waited with baited breath for years until my kids were grown because I didn’t have the means to care for them on my own, so I used that time to get a college degree while working a full time job and tending to my children. My emancipation came after he slept through our grandson’s 1st birthday party because he had been drinking all night. I came home resolved to leave and 3 weeks later I did. For 5 months, I lived in an apartment, mourned the loss of my youth, a broken family, and the lonliness which accompanied my decision. It took my 18 year old son (who idolizes his father) months of not talking to me. When he grew tired of nobody here to care for him, he pulled out a bible (a prop of course!) went to church and stopped drinking. He burned up my phone incessantly with phone calls and text messages for weeks. My daughter advocated for him and I gave in and came back. Much to my dismay, less than 2 years later, I am back where I started. Truth is, Im glad I gave him another shot because it just solidifies my claim that he is out of control, his drinking rules his life, and I have no place in this chaos. I love myself! I am a treasure! I refuse to accept that his poor choices and weakness for alcohol as the governing factor in my marriage and my daily happiness for that matter. If you’re thinking about leaving and are not sure whether or not you should, let me assure you that inside of your soul is a festering wound that will never heal if you stay. Im on my way out for the 2nd time, having shown him I was committed to US and believed in him, but rest assured I won’t make that same mistake twice. Your time will come when you can leave, but learn from my naive ways….don’t go back. That won’t change anything.

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