October 15, 2007
by Rod Smith
I’d suggest that if two or three of the following ring true you might want to get some professional help (or coaching, or peer supervision or whatever is available to you):
1. You think someone has more power over your life than you do.
2. You think your future is not primarily in your hands.
3. You think other people’s needs are always more important than your needs.
4. You feel surrounded by eggshells and therefore monitor everything you say.
5. You live as if someone close to you is carrying a big stick and looking for opportunities to punish you.
6. You generally think you deserve punishment.
7. Everyday you have a sense, a conviction even, that you are going to lose a little more, that another shoe is about to drop, or more unwelcome news is coming.
8. You feel guilty on the rare occasion you are moderately happy.
9. You lie to friends and say you are busy or unavailable when the truth is you are afraid to make plans that might upset your partner or family.
10. You find it difficult to receive favors especially favors you cannot repay.
11. You are suspicious when people enjoy each other and wonder what is really going on.
12. When people are kind to you, you wonder what they really want.
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships, Victims, Violence, Voice, Young Love |
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October 14, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I have been married 15 years (second marriage) and already had five children. I met my husband after I had an injury from a car accident, which left me disabled. I’m paralyzed from neck down. I got a settlement from the accident. He has no time for me and gives no financial help. So I am broke. He earns lots of money while I keep getting into debt. If he is upset he withholds money. I feel hatred from him. He works all the time. We are an inconvenience. He can’t hurt me more. He won’t leave and our house is the house I had before I met him. I am afraid of him. He has hit kids and said, ‘You should be the one I am hitting.’ I feel like nothing I do will please him. I do not know what to do.” (Edited)
Nothing will change until you emerge from being a victim and DO something. Where is the biological father? What is he doing? If your husband is working all the time why are you not working the phone to recruit the help you need to get out of this horrible trap? Recruit your community and family. All of you, including your husband, sound so miserable and the sooner you do something radical about it, the better it will be for you all.
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Blended families |
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October 10, 2007
by Rod Smith
Take up your life....
Are you emotionally out of shape? Psychologically exhausted? Tramped on? Feel trapped? Just as a person can be physically run down, so also can one become emotionally depleted. Here are simple, not easy, steps to getting your internal life into shape. Each will do your internal life as much good as frequent exercise does for a person who is physically out of shape:
1. Speak up where you might previously have remained silent.
2. Realize that not everything you think and feel has to be said or reported.
3. Focus on your own behavior and not the behavior of others. (This might be the most difficult of the 11 suggestions).
4. Rid your life of all blame.
5. Realize you are where you are as a result of your own choices.
6. Set small, secret goals involving no one but you.
7. Refuse to compromise when it comes to telling the truth no matter how much love may be involved.
8. Forgive where you might have previously have been resentful.
9. Do not function in roles not legally yours (don’t play wife if your are not, or dad if you are not).
10. Grasp the fact that emotional health is an individual journey and no one can be held responsible for your journey toward greater emotional health but you.
11. Clarify, for yourself, where you end and others begin. (This IS me, my issue, my responsibility: this is NOT me, my issue, my responsibility).
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Long distance relationships, Marriage, Meditation, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Pornography, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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October 9, 2007
by Rod Smith
Why is gambling such an addiction (drugs I understand!)?
Where a “big win” is presented as real possibility (thus the publicity afforded “big wins”) the “common” gambler is encouraged to believe the day will come when he or she will win the jackpot.
Gambling is self-defeating for the obvious reason: the stakes are high, and so is the almost inevitable accompanying debt. Where else can one hope to get rid of loads of debt in an instant, but by means of gambling?
It is this very belief that leads to further involvement in the very behavior that one is trying to break.
Do not forget co-addictions. Addictions usually come in pairs. Even threes. The sex addict will usually also have troubles with alcohol, or the gambler with illegal sibstances. Few addicts have ONE addictive behavior, but usually face a few undesired and out-of-control behaviors. And each can destabilize the addict’s life and family.
Is there a cure? Few addicts are “cured” if cured means the addict will no longer face some longings for the behavior or its effects. “Cure” and “management” ought to be exchanged here. When an addict learns to manage the behavior, then he or she might say he or she is “being cured.”
Posted in Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Grace, Living together, Victims, Violence |
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October 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
Three questions to ask to establish the presence of an addiction:
1. Are there physical symptoms related to the behavior or to the absence of the behavior (cravings, ideation, longing, preoccupation)?
2. Is there loss, or threatened loss, of close relationships (breakups of marriage or friendships) as a direct result of the behavior?
3. Has there been a loss of face or position in a community (job loss, police intervention, credit issues, repossession of a car) as a result of the behavior?
While the three as above are a guide, there are other symptoms?
1. Lying (covering) about the behavior through excuses or downright lies.
2. Expecting others to lie and cover the behavior (for instance a spouse and children are drawn into the behavior and the behavior becomes a family secret – even if “don’t tell” is not used).
3. Expecting others to show their love by expressing understanding and tolerance for the behavior.
It is important to see the subtle pull the (growing) addiction has on ALL of the members of the family or community. People assume roles according to the call of the addiction (gambling, alcohol, sex, drugs, porn) and non-addicts start (often unaware of their behavior) to align themselves with the addict in ways that perpetrate the behavior. For instance, a wife who rejects the abuse of alcohol, and who is generally a truthful person, will call the husband in sick and say he has a fever when in fact he is too drunk to work.
Addictions are often family issues revealed in the person who is “acting out.”
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Reactivity, Recovery, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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October 6, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My elderly parents sold their house and are moving. We offer help but my mom says, ‘we have everything under control.’ The next day she says, ‘we could do with some help.’ Until the new owners take occupation my parents go to the house to switch lights on and off and close curtains. Running two households is draining for them. I asked my mom if my family could buy the garden tools and garden furniture. She said the new owners need them. So strangers suddenly mean more to my parents than family. For the first time I have been ugly to my mom. I told her that she should have offered things that they did not need to her family first, before she gave to strangers. I have been feeling sad for having words with mom and more sad that strangers mean more to her than family.” (Edited)
Your resentment over the new owners, garden tools and garden furniture is misplaced. I’d suggest your sense of being overlooked has a longer history than the sale of your parents’ house. Their move is shifting your world! This is something worth uncovering. Who gets an old hoe, rake or lawnmower is no measure of love! Rejoice that your parents have the wherewithal to do all they do.
Posted in Betrayal, Communication, Family, Marriage |
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October 4, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I am married and have three teenage sons. We are compatible, except in one area that threatens everything. I don’t drink at all and don’t like social situations where there is too much drinking or being around drunk people. He enjoys a ‘party’ or having a few beers a couple of times a week. Very often a ‘few beers’ ends up being a ‘few beers’ too many. When he has had too much to drink he often becomes argumentative and critical of me, and sometimes verbally abusive. I have tried to reason with him but nothing much changes. People say I should just accept it because there is so much else going for the marriage. He is a good provider and father and he is caring except for those occasions when drink is involved. But I am thinking perhaps I should leave the marriage, as the situation is never going to be amicably resolved. I am also concerned how the breakup of the marriage would affect my sons, but increasingly I feel I am in a trap that I don’t know how to get out of.” (Edited)
Your staying (in the marriage) or going (getting divorced) will impact your teenagers. Finding your voice, whether you stay or go, will have the greatest, lasting impact upon your sons. A voice-less mother, someone who resists challenging what causes herself and her family discomfort, might be more damaging than a father who has too many beers.
Posted in Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Love, Teenagers, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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October 2, 2007
by Rod Smith
“Three years ago our pre-marriage counselor used a few of your columns to get us talking. I was annoyed because they made our engagement seem so business-like and so un-romantic. It seemed very cold to discuss money when you feel so in love. Now I can see how important it was to talk about money and children and faith as if I was entering a business relationship. Thanks. You have helped us a lot.” (Edited)
Perceiving a marriage as having many elements of a business contract will enhance, and not detract, from a marriage relationship. The absence of money (fights over money, the misuse of money) in a marriage can quickly kill any feelings of romance and goodwill. “Cold” talks during an engagement can help warm a home for many years to come. He or she, who, during marriage preparation refuses to engage in such talk, is declaring loudly and clearly that he or she is not quite ready for marriage. I am most honored your counselor used some of my work to assist you in you marriage.
Posted in Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Love, Marriage, Responsive people, Spousal abuse, Teenagers, Violence, Voice |
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October 1, 2007
by Rod Smith
Reader’s question: My boyfriend says we have to have sex to see if we are sexually compatible before he will continue seeing me. What do you think?
Rod’s answer: What an old, and ridiculous line. Move on! Your boyfriend is what I call a “pp” or “penis propelled.” If you really want to assess sexual compatibility it can be done without removing a single item of clothing!
First: Compare credit reports and financial statements to see how each of you handles money. How you respect, use, and save money, will exert more power over your long-term sexual compatibility than any immediate sexual encounter will indicate. It’s very hard to be passionate, faithful lovers when you are fighting over maxed-out credit cards. Little will challenge your sex life as much as scrambling for money and blaming each other for the poor use of resources.
Second: Compare your attitudes toward and your relationships with your immediate family. You can tell everything worth knowing about a person by how he (or she) respects and appreciates his parents and siblings. People who show little respect for their immediate family, or little desire to care for them, are unlikely to be a successful long-term husbands or wives, no matter how good or passionate they might be in a bedroom.
Third: Assess attitudes toward hard work. A shared, healthy attitude and high regard for hard, honest work, will give both of you useful insight into your long-term compatibility much more effectively than will the immediate experimentation with each other’s bodies.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
October 1, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My husband’s venting has gotten out of control and I’m considering a divorce. Talking about it yet it ends up in a fight. When I first met him, there were times I had to put down the phone and take a walk. It drained me. I married him, only to find out this venting was a regular thing and I became a target. It’s not what he says but the delivery, the energy behind the words. It’s gotten so bad that I can’t sleep, or concentrate, and I have a hard time being around him. Do I divorce or separate from him?” (Edited)
Get your attention off you husband’s behavior and onto your own. Like many people, you observe the finer details of a partner’s behavior while ignoring your complicity that helped fuel the very behavior you now reject. Why would you marry a man when his pre-marriage behavior was already draining you? Things would be different if you’d made a radical stand the very first time he was inappropriate.
Divorce? Separation? I have no idea. I do know nothing will change – actually they will deteriorate – until you do something radical. You are a target but you have legs! Use them. When he sees you will no longer tolerate his hurtful outrage he might do what it takes to grow up.
Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Differentiation, Sex matters, Trust, Violence, Voice |
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