October 29, 2007

Stepmother reduces her success to 8 principles…

by Rod Smith

I took on two stepchildren twelve years ago who have become wonderful adults who love all their parents. Here are some things I did to make life easier:

  • I didn’t take the place of anyone. I took my place.
  • I didn’t get in the way of their affections for their parents, but expected them to be well mannered and enjoyed their affection when offered.
  • I got out of the way when there was conflict and let the people who had known the children the longest sort it out. If I was a source of the conflict I admitted it, stood my ground, or apologized.
  • I found being rigid doesn’t work too well with any kind of family.
  • I did not get caught up in trying to make everything fair. I realized this was a trap and I wasn’t going to spend my life measuring everything.
  • I got out of the way when the children had conflict with each other and I encouraged their father to do the same.
  • When I did not have full cooperation from my husband I let him know immediately.
  • I was friendly with the children’s mother so we could cooperate regarding the children.

(Synthesized from a conversation)

Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family, High maintenance relationships, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Trust, Voice | Leave a Comment »

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October 25, 2007

I want to get to the bottom of how she feels…

by Rod Smith

“My wife spends a lot of time at home because of family commitments and I understand that she needs to circulate with other people. When she does go out she seems to go over the top and stays out late. She doesn’t want to talk to, stating that she knows everything about me. When she spends a lot of time with other men, I tend to get jealous. I have been married before and I am scared that my wife will leave me for another man which is what happened in my previous marriage. She says she loves me but I don’t know whether of not to believe her. I am really fighting with my self internally to give her the space she requires and to not stifle her. Is there some things I might read, or things I should do to try and releive my fear, or try and get to the bottom of how she feels.”

Getting to the bottom of how you feel is sufficiently difficult, let alone trying to get to the bottom of how she feels. Leave her feelings alone. Read David Schnarch’s Passionate Marriage. The book will help you see where you end and she begins – that is what is at the core of your troubles.

Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Listening, Living together, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Schnarch, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice | 2 Comments »

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October 24, 2007

She’s having an “emotional affair” …..

by Rod Smith

“My wife is having an ‘emotional affair’ with a best friend who spends more time with her than I do. He hears more about her life than I do, and is closer to her than I am. I watch this happening and over time it gets more and more intense and I am supposed to be calm because it is a close friendship. We have children, a house, and careers: a lot to give up for this ‘friendship’ that carries none of the responsibilities of the marriage. Am I supposed to stand by patiently or blow it all out of the water? Please help.” (Condensed, with permission, from a conversation)

AIr your views, please...

AIr your views, please...

Join your wife when she spends time with her friend. While it might be a tall order, I’d suggest you get to know him, offer also to be a friend to this apparently lonely man. Push the friendship to the limit. It will expose motives, and either re-unite you with your wife, or have you picking up after a divorce. To push, to question, and to join them (especially unexpectedly) when they are together (since she is your wife and they are “just friends” you do not need an invitation to or permission to join them), is your only way to escape the anguished limbo you are currently feeling – and it will offer you the potential to regain emotional intimacy with your wife.

Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Triggers, Trust, Victims | 12 Comments »

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October 23, 2007

by Rod Smith

“My husband and my parents just do not get along. They seem to be fighting about everything and anything. My husband says he’s not at fault and my parents say they are not at fault. But I feel trapped in the middle. How do I deal with both without hurting or betraying the other.”

Get out of the middle. Leave the room when their conflicts surface. Laugh uproariously at their childish ways. Find the humor in their absurd inability to co-exist as adults.

But, do not carry messages between the “warring” groups. Say things like, “He’s your son-in-law, talk to him yourself,” and, “My parents can hear this from you as much as they can from me. You talk to them.”

It is possible for you to love and honor both of these intense relationships without their divide severing you in two.

Remember, you are powerless over relationhips that do not involve you. These relationships impact you, yes, but they do not involve you.

Posted in High maintenance relationships, In-laws | 1 Comment »

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October 22, 2007

Our daughter (26) constantly asks for money

by Rod Smith

“My daughter (26) constantly asks for money. She gets dead-end jobs and we have to pay her accounts (bills). We go without while she has everything. She has to have a car (to get to her job) and a cell phone (in case she gets the offer of a better job) and new clothes (to dress for an interview) and in the meantime her dad and I are forking out every month! Please help.” (Letter consolidated)

While you “fork out” your daughter has no motivation to change! Your niceness assists your mutual destruction. Stop. Today! Stop paying a cent toward anything for her. Turn off the source. I know I’ll be flooded with Emails suggesting I am hard, unkind, and don’t understand. I’ll be told it is clear that I am not a mother! Others will tell me things are different in South Africa and because I live in the USA I am out of touch with what it is like to be young in South Africa. Gosh, your daughter is 26! How much longer will you allow her to live like a dependent child. She is an adult.

Spoilt young adults (believe me America is full of them) are spoilt young adults no matter where they live. While you persist in bailing your daughter out, she will persist in giving you a hole into which you can throw your money. Stop. This is YOUR problem, not hers.

       

Posted in Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Parenting/Children, Reactivity | Leave a Comment »

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October 20, 2007

I feel like punching someone…..

by Rod Smith

“I feel like punching someone. My co-workers don’t like me because I’m honest to them and they feel threatened that I will take their jobs. I’ve been working here for 5 months and it feels like a lifetime. I need an advice on how to handle gossiping and moody co-workers.”

While punching someone might bring you some relief and satisfaction, the rewards throwing a punch would be very short-lived. So, don’t. Most workplaces do not condone violence among employees.

Hold onto yourself even when the temptation is raging within you. Focus on your job (role, tasks, responsibilities) and offer your responsibilities your very best efforts.

Hard workers, focused employees, loyal men and women who refuse to gossip and join the usual office negative banter (bad-mouthing the job, boss, other co-workers) are often singled out by the lower function employees and become targets simply because they are diligent, and therefore show up their lower functioning counterparts.

But sometimes over-zealous employees are rejected by co-workers, not because they threaten other peoples’ jobs, but simply because their social skills are so undeveloped their behavior attracts mirthful attention.

Take some time to discern which camp you are in.

Posted in Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships | Leave a Comment »

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October 17, 2007

He says I am COLD….

by Rod Smith

“I have been married for 25 years. When I met him he was drinking and I never thought much of it as we were socializing. On our wedding day he was drunk. When our first child was born he was in the car drinking whilst I was in labour and I needed him. It has not stopped there lately he does not stop drinking until he consumes almost a bottle of spirits. He admits he is an alcoholic but he is not interested in help or doing anything about it. He verbally abuses me when he is in this state, yet when he is sober at home, which is seldom, he tries to be so sweet. I find it difficult to submit sexually and show love to this man as he is destroying what is left of our relationship. He suffers from erectile dysfunction and blames me for his problems and accuses me of being cold and not interested in sex.”

Rod Replies: Look at your behavior! Get your focus off his actions and onto your own actions. Why would you put up with such nonsense for even a week, let alone 25 years? Ice cold is appropriate! Move on. You have but one life to live – why would you spend it engaging in such nonsense? 

Posted in Anger, Betrayal | 4 Comments »

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October 17, 2007

Ten office rules to help everyone be a little healthier…

by Rod Smith

  1. Mind your own business.

  2. Take care of every aspect of your own job before you give time to noticing what someone else is, or is not, doing.

  3. Never initiate or perpetuate gossip of any kind.

  4. Tell the truth.

  5. Apologize when necessary and try to learn from your mistakes.

  6. Get “you need” and “you must” and “you should” out of your vocabulary when you are talking to adults.

  7. Stand up to your boss if he or she is asking you to do something unethical or immoral.

  8. Thank and affirm people who are doing a good job in a manner that gets the person the greatest amount of positive exposure.

  9. Don’t use your work time, the phone, the copier, or the Internet for personal matters.

  10. Realize you are at work to work. You are not there to find a partner, to make friends, or to ease your loneliness. You are there to feed and support your family and to further the goals of the organization that employs you.

 

Posted in Affairs, Domination, Education | Leave a Comment »

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October 16, 2007

I am stuck…

by Rod Smith

Dear Stuck:

Note I have broken my own rules about keeping every entry to fewer than 250 words! But Stuck – I wanted you to hear from me, even if you might not like what I have to say.

Your letter appears below with my comments in BOLD and italics. I am sorry it took me so long to get to your letter:

“My best friend and I have known each other for 8 yrs. I have been in love with him for 5 years. He knows how I feel, but when I realized how much I cared, he was in a relationship. They even had a child together. They ended the relationship about 18 months ago and she is dating someone new yet continually professes her love for him still. He doesn’t want to have anything to do with her in that way.

I understand “in that way” but what is he doing about parenting and supporting the child they share? If he is not supporting his child – you have not said where the child is – I would move on no matter how much love you feel.

“He also began working with me and even relocated to living with me to get out of a bad family living situation.

I trust he is paying his way while living in your home?

“His ex has actually moved with his family since she lost her job. So he is living hours away with me while she is down there living with his sisters. He says he loves me but he is not ready for a relationship.

I’d suggest this is true. He is not ready for a relationship when he has a child from whom he is separated. I must assume he is busy being a dad (driving back and forth to see his child) while also trying to earn a living.

“We are not intimate (good – this would not be good for your long-term health and friendship) but we are together basically 24/7.

“Occasionally he will try to get me to go out on dates (how valiant of him) since he says he is not ready yet and doesn’t know when he will be. He doesn’t want me to wait for him. I feel really stuck.

The feeling is appropriate – you are stuck and it is not about him or your love for him but about you who seems to refuse to move on from a man who has declared he doesn’t want an intimate relationship with you.

“I have tried to tell him that while I have feelings for him I cannot remain friends with him if we never go anywhere simply because as long as he is in my life I feel as though I will never fall in love with someone else.

You got it. You don’t need me to tell you these things. You already know the answers. So have him move out. Today.

“His ex really broke his heart. He honestly felt that it was forever and he gave himself completely to her. However she cheated and lied and destroyed him. Now I am the only woman he trusts and talks to. He hasn’t even been with anyone since her. My dilemma is this. Do I try to wait to see what develops? Do I walk away? What do I do?? I am so confused. And every time people see us together they always think we are married. It doesn’t help that he is very affectionate with me, arms around me, flirting with me, wrestling with me and so forth. But that’s how its been for 7 yrs. what do i do? Please help.

Stuck”

Wow – this guy’s got you eating out of the palms of his hands and he has you believing he is so hurt and such a victim to his ex! Move on….. He doesn’t have what you are looking for. Send him on a journey to fend for his child.

From Stuck – sometime later…..

“So I haven’t seen any reply from you regarding my situation. Did I do something wrong? Am I not doing this correctly? I see others leave comments and you respond. I leave one and get nothing. Am I supposed to leave money somewhere or something to get you to respond? Or is my situation not valid enough for your response… confused… and still…STUCK.”

I am pleased to respond to you but I do not OWE you a reply. Yes your issue is VALID but you already know what you need to do and I am not sure you will hear anything from me anyway! You will continue to be STUCK until you change directions and meet some new people and move in the circles of people who make wiser choices than the man with whom you are currently involved.

Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice | 4 Comments »

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October 16, 2007

He compares himself to a cripple in a wheelchair…

by Rod Smith

“I married 26 years ago out of a sense of guilt and it has never left. We have had a very difficult marriage and yet we both have a high level of commitment.  I want a healthier relationship but I don’t know how to get it. I know a healthier relationship starts with a healthier me, but as I try to get healthier, I feel a wider distance coming between us. I have never felt emotionally bonded to my husband, and for years it was heart breaking. I have talked with him hoping things would get better. He justifies his distance, which makes it harder for me. He compares himself to a cripple in a wheel chair. He knows that I would not insist on a cripple walking. He believes himself to be emotionally crippled and I should not expect something that he is not capable of giving. I am at the place where I feel I want to move on, but my sense of loyalty will not let me. I thought I had moved through the bitter stage but now I am not so sure.”

Repeatedly challenge his dramatic metaphor. It’s possible to remain married while also refusing to share his wheelchair. I’d suggest you do all you can to get healthy and well despite his protestations (the distance you feel, and so forth).

Let’s talk further. Until you leave him (I do not mean divorce him) in the “safety” and the “comfort” of his emotional wheelchair you are also in it! Grow on your own. Your personal development is not contingent on his cooperation.   

Posted in Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Divorce, Domination, Victims | Leave a Comment »

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