My wife and best friend had an affair…..

by Rod Smith

“My wife (15 years) and my best friend of (45 years) had an affair. It was sexual relationship for 5 years. I finally realized what had happened three years after the fact. I find myself in a situation: Do I confront both my wife and my friend? Do I tell everyone about the affair? Do I suggest his wife and I do the same in retaliation? I know that retaliation is not helpful and will only create larger problems. Living with the knowledge by myself is increasingly difficult. My friend and my wife (whom I deeply love) have betrayed me. At this juncture, she seems to be unaware that I know and does not seem to be remorseful enough to ask for forgiveness. Of course, why would she? It makes more sense to deny at all costs.”

The affair has ended but your marriage has not ended. Gently, kindly, individually (not together) and in a somewhat public setting — let (only) your wife and friend know, that you know, what has occurred. Keep details to a minimum.

Do not let your wife or your friend know you will talk individually to both parties.

Such conversations would be an act of love, courage and growth, on your part, and you’d be beginning the process of defining the (personal) hell out of yourself.

Do not look for a discussion with each person, or even for an apology – have the singular goal of letting each person know you know.

19 Responses to “My wife and best friend had an affair…..”

  1. Sorry to hear that. How do you know of this affair? Are you sure it is not in your mind? Typically people who have hidden behind the door also look behind it. Is your wife suspicious or curious of what you do or might be doing?

    If she is not, then she propobably does not care for you.

  2. It will take much courage and love to do what Rod has suggested. Your wife or friend cannot undo what has been done. There will be many bridges of trust to rebuild, however it can be done. Go in peace, with love in your heart. Act from your spirit and do no let your ego get in the way.

  3. Rod’s advice (as ever) is the best course. Be open and honest about it and deal with the reality of the situation not the imagined parts of it.

    It is still a very tough situation to be in – I can only imagine the sense of betrayal. Be strong, look for ways to make yourself happier and you will get through it.

  4. Talk to your wife and see what she wants in your marriage,may be she stasrted this relationship and got traped and dont know how to get out.Six months ago my husband admitted to me that he had mad a mistake with the woman I called my bestfriend.He told me he never loved her, was confused and texted her but from there she started offering herself to him telling him that she wanted to feel is penis inside her and so many other dirty sms. He tried to put her off but of course she was too strong than him,. one day she invited him to her flat but when he got there she straight took him to the bed doom where she was all over him like a dog on heat.He refused to have sexual intercourse with her but instead he used his fingers to satsify her. Who in there right mind would allow a man to use there fingers on them when the penis is there and erect? Iam fighting for my marriage as my husband tells me that hehas always loved me and that he was confused and did not want to do what he did and was very ashamed and sorry for that.
    I ave broken from my bfriend as she was not my friend to wath to know the man i love.Be strong and talk things with your wife and trust me ,gates that God opens no man can shut and gates that he closes no man can open.Be blessed.

  5. I’m sorry but how can you ever trust your husband or wife when they sleep with someone else?

  6. everybody makes mistake and i think if u still love your wife u should forgive her coz im sure if it was you who did that to her she would have forgiven you especially if u can see she is really sorry for what she did.

  7. My friend; Run for your life!!!! I went through the same thing. It ate me alive for 10 years. I swear I flunked out of university in my last semester (would have been summa cum lauda) drank myself into alcoholism to prevent myself from actually literally murdering them You would not believe what it did to me. Any two people who would do that to you deserve nothing but contempt. Trust me, they deserve each other and you deserve one whole lot better than her. Leave. FInd a way to leave. It seems now like you will lose her if you go; right? And that seems like an abyss; right? Like a big fat painful whole in your heart that can only be cured by the love of the person who caused it; right? All 100 percent wrong! The only way for you to heal is to cut her 100 percent out of your life. NOTHING will ever make you forget, nor should you. It took me years to figure that out. Find a new woman. Any woman will do for this purpose; because you will see that not any other woman in the world has done this to you. Only her. Which means, of course, that any other woman in the world has treated you better than her. Any and every woman in the world has treated you better than she has. The first time one of these “anywomen” smile at you, kiss you, flirt with you, are sympathetic to you, have coffee with you, etc. you will begin on the road back. You obviously need love; which is why you are willing to take such crap to keep the broken love you have. So did I and it took me along long time to figure out that a new love, a happier purer love will wash away the old painful one. Don’t live in your pain. You have to leave it behind you. Tell her you are leaving. Tell your “friend” to drop dead. Get out of the vortex of stupid and get back into the sunshine of people who will not screw you. Your life can be whole again, but you’ve got to get the other half back from her. Take it and RUN!

    After I did the above, I found the real love and a happy loving life. Don’t wait like I did and waste years. ACT NOW!

  8. I was absolutely amazed!…reading Rod’s account of his wife and friend having their affair for over 5 years– hit me right between the eyes. My best friend moved in with his wife right next door to us. He was awaiting the arrival of his wife, who was selling their home in another city. While waiting, he was enjoying a sexual relationship with my wife for over 5 yrs as well. I actually discovered evidence to substantiate the affair- to which my wife has denied. I have not confronted my best friend, nor have I told his wife (to seek retaliation?). I am sure his wife would likely want to “pay back” both of our spouses by conducting an affair with me. Believe me, it is all I can do to not do exactly that. I am still married, though not convinced that it is entirely over between my wife and my “best friend”. Given the opportunity again, I am sure they would be back in the saddle very quickly. I do not provide any opportunities…but it is not the way it should be. I should not have to circumvent their sexual activities by spying and preventing opportunities. I have not sat her down to tell her that I am more than suspicous that it happened. …more that I know it definitely did! Should I with both?

  9. I agree with Been there; done that, – get the hell out of there. Your relationship will never be the same one again. Don’t fool yourself into thinking it is recoverable. It was over the moment you found out. But good luck with whatever you decide to do.

  10. I would like to chat with people who husband has had
    an affair with my girlfriend for 5 years. I just found out about 90 days ago. I have been married for 30 plus years.

  11. I’ve actually been where you were too. We are not the only ones this happen to. My wife of 20 yrs had an affair with a friend who was married with his own children. I caught them red handed sending text messages to each other. My heart fell to the ground. I had no choice because of my moral values to leave her and because I knew him, throw him a beating. Yes I know, many of you think thats wrong and think it will not solve anything. If I didnt know the guy, then I would never have paid him a visit. But he knew me and thats a direct hit on disrespect on me. So I threw him a beating and was taken to court for it. so what. I would the same thing again. I have zero respect for anyone that forgives a spouse for cheating. How can you ever trust that person again? There are certain things in this world that can not be forgiven. I walk away with my dignity, pride and self respect. All of which you would have to give up if you stay with a cheating spouse. So if your willing to do that, that would mean you have no self respect. So don’t expect any from anyone else.

  12. First of all , I agree with Son of Brooklyn .

    Many say that when a wife cheats on her husband , there were reasons . Like she was bored, the guy was working all day et al . Yeah , the husband was toiling at work so both of them could have a great life and she gets bored and cheats . How nice and convenient . Let me make this clear that there are no excuses for cheating . Even if your husband hits you or cheats on you . If he is an asshole , leave him and then do what you want . When you get married, you take some vows regarding fidelity . Stick to it . I mean I am married. I cannot imagine myself cheating on my wife or she cheating on me . We may have problems or fights in the future but that does not mean , one can go and cheat on the other . I believe marriage is for keeps . I get my opportunities to cheat if I want but I do not . It is no sacrifice. If I love my wife , no bitch can force me to cheat . I am sure she can also cheat on me if she wanted but she does not . I do not think it is wrong for a wife to have other male friends or for the husband to have other female friends but there should be limits. It is not about not trusting your spouse . But who knows, her close male friend might be looking for a chance to get into her pants. Even if you can trust your wife , can you trust her male friend ? He might rape your wife or drug her or whatever.

    There are so many ways of cheating . Emotional and physical . Both are cheating . Once a cheater , always a cheater in that he or she can always do that again . If you have done something once, you are capable of it again . So , I do not think it is a good idea to forgive a cheater because life will never be the same again . Oh besides, being drunk is no excuse either . I have been sloshed but never did anything wrong . There were many bitches around.

    Sorry for using the word bitches. Women are God’s gift to mankind but there are also women who ruin the lives of people . I call those women

  13. Sorry to hear that.

  14. You did nothing wrong. All this sympathetic dribble about something is wrong, bla bla bla.

    They are both back stabbing jerks. Dump her and never, never talk to your alleged friend again.

    There are a lot of morons that will try to convince you that you need to do something.

    Get new wife and new friends.

    (Edited poor grammar and the use of unhelpful language)

  15. After 21 years I found out my wife cheated on me with a single man who I thought was my friend. She also got pregnant and had his child. When the child was small everyone said he looked like me.
    Her lover was the same nationality as myself, so that was not hard to misjudge. As the child got into his teens he resembled her lover, but exactly unless you looked at him very closley. The child is 23 yrs old now. One day I asked my wife if “my friend” had ever made a pass at her, she ignored me. About a month later I asked her again. She said he tried to kiss her once. She said she push him back. Then I remembered that 9 month before the child was born I came home early from work and he was at my home visiting.
    He said he was waiting for me. The following week he was there again when I came home early.
    Neither she nor “my friend” knew I would come home early. I recently came out and asked her if she had an affair and she got upset, but did not deny it. Weeks later I again asked her and then she denied it. I look back and I realized she has no affection for me since the child was born. I stay with her because she was my first real love and I have always loved her. She now accused me that when we were young I cheated on her. I have never cheated on her.

    • jose m- What you wrote reminds me of my wife.
      We had a 3 year daughter and my wife said that she wanted to wait 5 years for another child. I used BC an she used birth control. The suddenly she gets pregnant. Later some one told me that the child was from a so-called friend of mine. Istayed and raised the child. He in now 28 years old and he looks so much like his real father.

    • Kick her a…., to the curb!

      (Carlos, you can be direct without being disrespectful).

  16. So they’re not “seeing” each other, anymore. And you want to tell them, you know about the affair. Do that and they’ll be “seeing ” each other again, very shortly. If for no other reason, to “discuss” your knowledge. And of course, have just one more fling…… Yeah right! ….1st: Man up. 2nd: Kick his sorry ….. . 3rd: Dump the cheating woman…… Your wimpy attitude, just makes it acceptable to use and disrespect you.

    (I edited Carlos’s comment — it while his sentiments are valued and spot on his language leaves a lot to be desired)

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