I want to end my affair…

by Rod Smith

“I am in an extra-marital affair and want to end it. I never ceased to loving or being intimate with my husband although my relations with another man have shattered some parts of our marital intimacy at times. I told my husband I also love another man and am sexually attracted to the other man. My husband does not find it wrong.. I think I crossed the border because there appeared dark corners and secrets. Could you share your thoughts about ending the affair?” (Minimally edited the portion presented. But a small portion of a much longer letter.)

I am not going to pretend to know what you should do or suggest you cut all ties and go “cold turkey” from your affair. Men aside, you have to decide what you want. Some emotional space from both men (sexual space, too) might be necessary for you to clear the atmosphere and allow you to see (think, feel, assess, process, clarify) more clearly than you are able to do right now.

While I might be legitimately accused of going against my own advice offered in previous columns, your dilemma portrays the complexity and power of human sexuality.

Sexual behavior is ALWAYS complex and this (its complexities) ought never be downplayed.

Your husband, I’d suggest, finds this (your love and attraction and sexual activities for and with another man) not wrong for deeper reasons than meet the eye.

Face your own dark night of the soul. Decide what kind of woman you want to be. This is what is in the balance.

3 Comments to “I want to end my affair…”

  1. Thank you for your reply. You said that my husband finds this not wrong for deeper reasons that meet the eye. In your opinion, what deeper reasons are in play? Thank you.

  2. Dear Viva:

    I cannot see into your husband’s thinking, and could not, even if I knew him very well over many years.

    As I said, I’d suggest you focus on what it is you want from LIFE and upon the kind of woman you want to be…. quite apart from any of the men in your life.

    Men who feel guilty (for what might feel impossible for them to be or to provide), men who are emotionally lazy, men who are distracted by whatever else they face in life could (might) find a wife being taken “care” of elsewhere as acceptable.

    But as I said, it is not very useful to spend time trying to understand him when your own circumstances are complicated enough.

    Write again,

    Rod Smith

  3. I HV PAST 2YEAR AFFAIR WITH ONE GUY, BUT AFTER 1YEAR I KNOW HE IS ALREADY MARRIED AND HAVING ONE KID, I M VERY UPASET, AFTER THAT ALSO M CARRY MY AFFAIR BUT AGAIN HE IS LAYING. I FEEL VERY BAD, i want to punish him, plz tell me how?

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