Archive for August 1st, 2010

August 1, 2010

How NOT to use my column….

by Rod Smith

Each of the following is in response to a MIS-use of my column…..

I get letters about this all the time.....

Don’t ram my column into the face of your partner (mother, father, in-laws, boss, lover) to “prove” yourself “right” about any issue. My writing is not the final word on any matter. I’m expressing my opinion over relational matters, over which readers have often provided me with very limited information. Be assured, I have often found myself to be thoroughly misguided.

Don’t look for others and for what you perceive they are doing “wrong” in my column. If you have read my work for any time at all you will know I am going to encourage you to focus on your thinking and your behavior as keys to alleviating the discord in your life. Allow my column to be one of many sources to challenge how you operate in your life.

Don’t confuse this daily newspaper column with therapy. It is not. While it might be a therapeutic exercise, reading it will not replace the need for a real, live, face-to-face encounters with a mental health professional if you need one. The complexities of human relationships cannot be captured in fewer than 210 words a day. Reading my column will not enduringly assist you if what you really need is face-to-face professional help.

August 1, 2010

I don’t ever want to leave him but…..

by Rod Smith

“My first six months of marriage has bee absolutely miserable. I love him with all my heart. He has become my whole existence. I am a friendly person and people tend like me. My husband takes it as flirting. We no longer work together so it’s worse since now he can’t keep an eye on me. I am not allowed to wear make up, do my hair, or wear perfume. If I do I’m trying to sleep with somebody. He checks my phone and Email and questions me on every call and every text. I would never cheat. I try to convince him but nothing works. I do everything he wants yet he finds reasons to get upset. This has changed me as a person. I no longer enjoy life. I have pushed my friends away. I don’t ever want to leave him but I don’t how to improve our marriage. Will counseling help?”

Lead.... and follow....

Quit trying to appease a virus.....

Counseling won’t help while you are unwilling to change your behavior. The more you surrender your legitimate, God-given power, the more of your legitimate, God-given power he will assume, until the “you” in you (your uniqueness, your ability to think for yourself) disappears altogether.

Stop doing everything he wants. Your husband has an emotional virus – and, it is most unloving to feed it. While you try to appease it, not only are you attempting the impossible, it will only get worse.

His jealousy has NOTHING to do with you or your behavior. It is HIS issue and while you make it yours, you will never be able to do enough to appease it.