Archive for August 5th, 2010

August 5, 2010

Some insight about jealousy, and how to talk to a jealous person…..

by Rod Smith

Jealousy destroys beauty

Jealousy abounds. “My girlfriend won’t let me talk to my childhood girlfriends,” or “My husband won’t visit my family. He says I ignore him when I am with them,” are frequent themes in my inbox. One man I know is jealous of men his wife reads about in novels. Here are broad principles to apply if you face the “green-eyed monster”:

There are reasons you found each other attractive. So while your partner might play host to the virus of jealousy, somewhere in the mix you may have some limited responsibility for fostering its success if jealousy is an issue between you. First examine your contribution (how have you fed the monster?) before you point fingers at your partner for any expressions of jealousy.

A virus, jealousy is an emotional virus, must have a host to survive. Once hosted, having no capacity to self-monitor, it will run wild within the host. The only effective treatment for the virus of jealousy (as is true with any virus) is starvation. So do not allow it to succeed. Bring it into the light (it hates exposure) every time it shows its ugly, borrowed face. Do not try to work with, understand, or appease jealousy. You cannot reason with a virus so don’t waste time trying.

You do not cause jealousy (by ANYTHING you do) and it is never an indication of love.

Here are some very healthy ways to address jealousy:

Facing the green-eyed monster!

Very healthy sentiments to express to your partner (modified according to your needs) when jealousy rears its ugly head in an intimate relationship:

“As an adult I select my own clothes. Why don’t you always take care of your clothing and I’ll always take care of mine. It’s much easier that way.”

“Let it be known I am comfortable with having many friends and having a lot of interaction with my family. If any of this is threatening for you then I don’t think we are suited to each other.”

“Of course I have remained friends with many of my former intimate friends. We have a lot of history together. Remaining friends is healthy for us all. Things will go better between us if we each enjoyed the freedom to enjoy a wide range of friendships.”

“Of course I am not going to give you my passwords for any of my email accounts. No, we are not going to share an email account. No, you will not examine my phone or text messages. Being with you does not mean ownership! We’ll do really well together if we respect each of needs for privacy.”

“Tell you everything? Of course not. That’s a ridiculous expectation!”

“What are you going to do about your jealousy? It is apparently a problem for you. I will not make your jealousy my issue.”