Archive for July, 2010

July 20, 2010

He’s (She’s) divorced! How can I know he’s (she’s) ready to date…..

by Rod Smith

How to know it’s “a go” when dating someone who is divorced…

1. His/her divorce has been finalized (that means completed) for more than a year.
2. He/she takes appropriate responsibility for his or her part in the breakdown of the former marriage.
3. He/she wants a healthy spiritual, emotional, and intellectual relationship with a diverse range of people before becoming intimately involved with any one person.

It MUST get rough to get better

It will be a rough ride if red flags are ignored.....

4. He/she is involved in his/her children’s lives and willingly, generously, and punctually pays child support.
5. He/she places a high priority on rearing his/her own children, while being respectful toward your children and your relationship with them.
6. He/she can conduct meaningful conversations with the former spouse about matters pertaining to the children. That the divorce is REAL is clear – so there are no intimate, or “throw-back” conversations.
7. He/she is very respectful of marriage, sex, the opposite sex, despite the previous breakdown.
8. He/she remains non-anxious by your occasional encounters with his/her former spouse or persons associated with the former marriage.
9. He/she remains non-anxious by your occasional encounters with your former spouse or persons associated with your former marriage.
10. He/she has deep regard for the time and patience required to establish new relationships and is willing allow necessary time for intimacy to properly develop.

July 20, 2010

“He’s over weight” column (yesterday) provokes interesting responses…..

by Rod Smith

Yesterday’s column provoked interesting responses. Here are two:

Some emotional disconnection will be helpful.....

“I would suggest ‘happily married for 16 of 20 years’ ask her husband to increase his life insurance policy so that when he dies prematurely of weight related issues she will have enough to live comfortably with her next spouse. She can make a deal with him to never mention his weight again once he has updated the life insurance policy and then playfully encourage him to eat more. Beyond that, I would hope she continues to stay in great shape with ambitious plans to enjoy her middle age years and beyond, with or without her overweight husband.” (Steve Reynolds)

Come out of hiding...

Take full responsibility only for your own life.....

“So often there is a deep desire in relationships for the other to somehow comply with demands/desires. When we realise that we are ultimately each responsible for our own happiness and have to get on with living the best life we can, things are easier and cleaner. When we take responsibility for our own lives there is less possibility of manipulation. If the woman’s husband wants to enter an early grave she has no control over this. She has to grieve her losses, fall in love with herself again and move on. He may follow suit, he may not.” (Ali)

July 19, 2010

He is overweight and he won’t do anything about it….

by Rod Smith

“I have been very happily married for 16 of 20 years. The change came when my husband started to put on weight and let himself go. I also put on weight but went on diet and started walking to keep fit. I still exercise and follow a healthy lifestyle. I want to look attractive for my age. Our relationship isn’t good. I have a problem with his weight. We are hardly ever intimate and I’m not attracted to him anymore. I feel I still love him. He says I must love him whether he’s overweight or not. My argument is that I am making the effort to look good and take care of myself and I think he can do.”

This is a power-struggle!

You have some power, although it is limited, over how you tip the scales. You have none over how he does. While you have a problem with his weight, and he does not, the issue (if it is one for there are multitudes of overweight people for whom being overweight appears to be a non-issue) is in the wrong hands.

While he is telling you that you must love him despite his weight, he is minding your business. Who, how, when you love, is your business, and not his.

This is a control issue for each of you – yes, the both of you. Get off his scale and he might (only might) stop telling you how to love.

Give up trying to checkmate your mate, begin minding your own business, and you might fall in love all over again.

From Steve, my friend and business partner: I would remind ‘happily married for 16 or 20 years’ to perhaps ask her husband to increase his life insurance policy so that when he dies early of weight related issues she will have enough to live comfortably with her next partner. She can make a deal to never mention his weight again once he has updated the life insurance policy and actually playfully encourage him to eat more. Beyond that, I would hope she continues to stay in great shape with ambitious plans to enjoy her middle age years and beyond – with or without her overweight husband. Cheers, Steve

July 17, 2010

I was not allowed to meet his adult children….

by Rod Smith

“I lived through the humiliation of not being allowed to meet my lover’s adult children. This was his reasoning: he went through a long and protracted divorce (still not settled) and meeting them would ignite his wife and she would fight for more money if she knew about me. He expected me to listen to him talk about and shop for his children I was not allowed to meet. When they came to town I was to hide away and not show my face.” (Adapted from website comment)

Come out of hiding...Expecting you to hide from his children is his manner of copping out, of avoiding his unresolved issues with his immediate family. If he can’t “own up” to you, publically and privately, for anyone to know and meet, he’s not ready for an authentic relationship with you.

How honest is he being with anyone (especially you) if he is willing to lie to his adult children?

Your presence in his life is no more able to ignite an almost-ex wife to demand, and then get more money from divorce proceedings, than your presence would be able to ignite their former passion. He is the one hiding. His refusal to face his family ought not suggest you have dome something worthy of shame.

July 15, 2010

He’s losing interest in me…….

by Rod Smith

“My boyfriend (21) is losing interest in our relationships. He’s not running around with other girls or anything like that. He’s just not calling as much and is choosing not to be with me. It is cold between us. I am 19 and I don’t want to be alone. How can I get this going again?” (Letter required extensive editing)

A little separation is helpful....

Ease off. Allow him to enjoy his divinely imparted complete freedom. Don’t phone. Don’t plead. Don’t chase. Efforts expended to revitalize the relationship have the potential of making your work too hard. You’ll get exhausted, you will over-function, and become someone you are not. Then, whatever efforts you use to rekindle his interests will only have to be more than doubled to keep him.

You will lose yourself in his pursuit and end up with neither.

Explore your fear of being alone. Do you want this particular young man or is he an escape path for your loneliness? I’d suggest you embark upon several years without a romantic interest. Take the time develop a wide, diverse circle of friends. This will allow you to increasingly discover comfort in being “alone” and you will develop the grace to share your life with a chosen partner and enjoy a healthy, sustainable, non-anxious future.

    AXIOM

Whatever you use to attract and keep someone, you will have to continue and increase to sustain the relationship. If a relationship doesn’t have natural energy, it will become a game of hide and seek, and “catch me if you can”. This is usually way too much work for anyone with a growing, healthy sense of self.

July 14, 2010

Teenagers are constantly in conflict…..

by Rod Smith

“My children, a daughter who is 17 and a son who is 19, are fiercely competitive and hardly anything either says goes unchallenged by the other. They verbally attack each other at every opportunity. Please comment?”

Talking it through in a public place.....

Try to stay out of their conflicts. I am aware of just how difficult this is but it is important that they learn to cope with each other without the services of a go-between to assist, or someone who short-circuits their unfortunate, but necessary process. The minute you “jump in” or are pulled in, is the minute you help them avoid responsibility for a conflict of their making – and become responsible for the monitoring of its outcome.

Being piggy in the middle is ALWAYS a very draining, anxiety-producing experience for piggy, especially when piggy in the middle is mom or dad.

Your son and daughter are going to be siblings for many years, perhaps for even longer than they will each know you! The sooner they learn to accommodate and love each other the better off each will be. Learning to love and accept each other will do all of their other relationships a whole lot of good.

Discerning your level of intervention will always be your call. I believe your intervention is necessary if blows are exchanged or if unabashed cruelty occurs.

Call a meeting. Have “dinner with a purpose”. Meet them in a crowded restaurant where it is unlikely that tempers will flair and where they will be unlikely to become loud or aggressive. Let them know the degree of grief you experience when they are continually at each other’s throats. Let them know how a parent feels when his or her children seem unable to get along.

Heart-to-heart conversations can go a long way to building bridges that will be necessary to one day walk cross. I do it with my own children (12 and 9) and I am always surprised at how much it means to them, and how much they take our “dinners with a purpose” to heart*. I know, I know: my children are younger and it is probably much easier when dinner with dad is something exciting. But, this is your opportunity to parent with a purpose – and I challenge you to make it happen.

* We even have “meeting chairs” in our home and we only really sit in them for “serious” or “important” conversations.

July 13, 2010

Can abuse stop?

by Rod Smith

“Can abusive behavior like controlling behavior, badgering, jealousy about other relationships, monitoring things like a partner’s phone, and physical pushing, shoving behavior and even more violent outbursts stop?”

[Yes – but often not within the same entanglement. With close counsel and strong third party monitoring (at least for a period of time) the perpetrator can gain insight, grow, and self-monitor his or her use of unhelpful and destructive interpersonal behaviors.

While it is NEVER the victim’s responsibility (no one is sufficiently powerful to make another abusive) a lot can hinge on the degree of “fed-up-ness” within the victim.

Abuse (all categories) continues and intensifies when the victim covers for the perpetrator, “rewrites” the behavior, excuses it, or when the victim feels he or she deserves to be poorly treated.

Most perpetrators will back off (at least temporarily) when met with a sound and early refusal to allow an abusive repertoire within the relationship’s behavior cycle.

It is never the victim who causes the abusive behavior, but the victim must immediately remove him or herself from the abuse (which is seldom easy because people are attracted to persons who are similarly relationally mature or immature) or the behavior will intensify.

July 11, 2010

Whose shoulders have YOU ridden on?

by Rod Smith

Childhood: just under the surface

Last evening my boys and I were kicking a ball on the school field near our home and taking turns to be the goalie. The second I stepped between the posts I was back at Kingsmead, field 4, 1965. Northlands Primary was playing Southlands Primary at the end of hard soccer season.

In the crowd was the Mayor of Durban, The Honorable Trevor Warman, in support of his son, Anthony Warman. I knew this because from where I stood urgently protecting the goals, I could see “NDC 1”, the black Rolls Royce parked at the far end of the field.

Minutes from the end of the game Southland’s formidable wing, Johnny McGregor, dribbled the ball from Mark Tovey, only to also outpace defenders Michael Quinn and Malcolm Mercer and come sprinting down center field to send the ball right through my legs and into the goal.

Forty-five years later I can feel the embarrassment of that moment. But more important than my moment of humiliation, once the whistle sounded the end of the game, the mayor himself came onto the field, hoisted me onto his shoulders and carried me off the field as if I had indeed won, and not lost, the game at all.

July 11, 2010

Are you dead? Can I hear kicking and screaming inside that coffin?

by Rod Smith

Life means SOME pain....

Kindly forgive my macabre Monday morning metaphor but I am pleased to say I know several men and women who are trying to kick their coffin lids open. I’ve heard the kicking and knocking; muffled thuds, and the occasional groan. These men and women are tired of being the living dead! It’s gotten old; it doesn’t suit them anymore. Being fully alive feels like a better option. So they are kicking up a fuss and trying to come back.

As I am sure you can imagine, thuds and groans from the inside of a closed coffin is a most wonderful sound, (unless of course having a partner who is dead has been helpful).

My friends have discovered it is death-giving to soft-pedal through life. They are tired of dancing to the drum of untrustworthy people and know how killing it is. It’s taken a while, but they finally discovered that death-like symptoms emerge when they place their faith in those who have repeatedly hurt, abandoned, or lied to them. Each one of my coffin-lid-kicking friends has finally seen that getting caught up in the middle of other people’s issues leads to kicking and screaming. So they are, and it is a delightful sound.

Listen closely. Is that you I hear kicking and screaming to come back to life? Ah, what beautiful music.

July 9, 2010

Flying with children – 10 ways to make it to cloud 9!

by Rod Smith

Flying with children? It’s a pleasure – usually. Long hauls, short hauls – bring it on. I accessed our multiple frequent flyer accounts, having just gotten home to the Midwest (USA) from Sydney, Australia, to see my sons (8 and 12) and I have up racked up well over a million miles – and most of it as a family. My elder son had Premier Executive status with United Airlines by age 2.

If you and your children are flying anywhere this summer here are some ways to make flying with children a delight:

Ohare and my boys....

1. Anxiety is contagious – so relax. Get your focus off your children. Quit worrying about how they will behave, whether the baby will cry or not, and all the things that so easily get a parent going. Worrying upsets children. The calmer you are, the calmer your children will be.

2. Trust your children. By age seven each of my sons could find his way around several terminals, check himself into a flight, handle his passport, and respond to questions from customs and immigration officials. My sons have not had to do any unaccompanied flying, but I have used endless hours in airports, often during unexpected layovers around the world to teach them everything they need to know about being international travelers.

3. Trust most of your fellow passengers. You’re sitting in airports and on planes with parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts – people who don’t know your children but who know children. Recruit help when you need it. As a single dad I had to regularly ask someone to hold the baby while I ushered my toddler to the restroom.

4. Trust the flight crew. I am yet to encounter an unfriendly flight attendant when it comes to my children. Flight attendants have taken my children on walks, entertained them in the galley, and yes, even quite recently have taken them into the cockpit!

Nathanael seated across the aisle

5. Regard flying as an exciting slice of real life – not something tedious and overwhelming. It’s a joyous adventure, not a life-sentence! It’s only as big a deal as you make it.

6. Get over the uptight, sighing, dirty-stare passenger who feels above flying near a baby or with children. Your children have as much right to fly as any other ticketed passengers. If Mr. Grumpy World Traveler is bemoaning your child’s presence on a plane, imagine what he’s like at home with his children.

7. Don’t medicate children for your convenience – on or off the plane. Doing so will probably work against you one day.

8. Teach you children cabin etiquette and how things work – just as you teach good hygiene and table manners. Overhead lights, window shades, upright seatbacks, fold-down tables, using call-lights, seat belts, and the uses and rules associated with each are very interesting to young children – the sooner the children know cabin etiquette the better.

They've seen the world, but LOVE Indy!

9. Let your children speak for themselves. My children regularly ask to switch their kid’s meal option for an adult meal – and usually end up with both! They repeatedly ask how many hours are left in the flight, or what city is immediately below us, and personal questions about the captain. Don’t get in the middle or run interference. Flight crews, often also parents, can handle your children and a whole lot more. Trust them.

10. As far as it is possible, only use carry-on baggage. This speeds progress though airports and increases flexibility when there are flight changes or cancellations. Efficiency means less time and opportunity for moodiness! From as young as possible (I chose 6), let each child be fully responsible for his or her own possessions. Each of my boys packs his own bag, monitors its whereabouts at all times, and is fully responsible for getting it on and off the plane. I don’t allow my children to pack their things in my bags and nor do I put my stuff in their bags. I do not allow them to help each other out with their luggage. Such “helping” is not helpful as it only adds to confusion and finger-pointing when things go missing or, if for any reason, stress levels increase.”You pack it, you care for it, you carry it” – is one of our many mottoes.

(Rod Smith, a single parent to two boys each adopted at birth, teaches internationally for Youth With a Mission in the summers, and at St. Richard’s School in Indianapolis during the academic year. Rod is a Family Therapist, writer, and teacher.)