Posts tagged ‘she is over-weight’

July 19, 2010

He is overweight and he won’t do anything about it….

by Rod Smith

“I have been very happily married for 16 of 20 years. The change came when my husband started to put on weight and let himself go. I also put on weight but went on diet and started walking to keep fit. I still exercise and follow a healthy lifestyle. I want to look attractive for my age. Our relationship isn’t good. I have a problem with his weight. We are hardly ever intimate and I’m not attracted to him anymore. I feel I still love him. He says I must love him whether he’s overweight or not. My argument is that I am making the effort to look good and take care of myself and I think he can do.”

This is a power-struggle!

You have some power, although it is limited, over how you tip the scales. You have none over how he does. While you have a problem with his weight, and he does not, the issue (if it is one for there are multitudes of overweight people for whom being overweight appears to be a non-issue) is in the wrong hands.

While he is telling you that you must love him despite his weight, he is minding your business. Who, how, when you love, is your business, and not his.

This is a control issue for each of you – yes, the both of you. Get off his scale and he might (only might) stop telling you how to love.

Give up trying to checkmate your mate, begin minding your own business, and you might fall in love all over again.

From Steve, my friend and business partner: I would remind ‘happily married for 16 or 20 years’ to perhaps ask her husband to increase his life insurance policy so that when he dies early of weight related issues she will have enough to live comfortably with her next partner. She can make a deal to never mention his weight again once he has updated the life insurance policy and actually playfully encourage him to eat more. Beyond that, I would hope she continues to stay in great shape with ambitious plans to enjoy her middle age years and beyond – with or without her overweight husband. Cheers, Steve

August 18, 2009

My wife is over weight. What can I do….?

by Rod Smith

“I have tried for months to draw my wife’s attention to her weight. She is overweight by several kilos and doesn’t seem to care. This is very important to me. It is not about sex. I just feel embarrassed to be with a woman who doesn’t seem to care what she looks like. Help.”



Please send me a detailed account of exactly the manner in which you have tried to draw your wife’s attention to her weight. Such an account would offer me volumes of material about regarding how you relate, communicate, handle and resolve conflict with each other. It also might become a guide of what NOT to do or say.

The lower your emotional health (the less healthy you are) the greater will be your fixation with her weight – you will believe that her weight somehow reflects on you, reveals something about you, or is somehow your business. If allowed, you will become obsessed with her weight, eating, and exercise routine to the point that it will damage more than your sex life.

The higher your functioning (the healthier you are), the less you will notice her weight and you will certainly not feel responsible for her weight or embarrassed by it.

Focus on YOUR emotional health and not on her weight. If you push her, remember that even in the emotional realm, every action has an equal and opposite reaction.