He is overweight and he won’t do anything about it….

by Rod Smith

“I have been very happily married for 16 of 20 years. The change came when my husband started to put on weight and let himself go. I also put on weight but went on diet and started walking to keep fit. I still exercise and follow a healthy lifestyle. I want to look attractive for my age. Our relationship isn’t good. I have a problem with his weight. We are hardly ever intimate and I’m not attracted to him anymore. I feel I still love him. He says I must love him whether he’s overweight or not. My argument is that I am making the effort to look good and take care of myself and I think he can do.”

This is a power-struggle!

You have some power, although it is limited, over how you tip the scales. You have none over how he does. While you have a problem with his weight, and he does not, the issue (if it is one for there are multitudes of overweight people for whom being overweight appears to be a non-issue) is in the wrong hands.

While he is telling you that you must love him despite his weight, he is minding your business. Who, how, when you love, is your business, and not his.

This is a control issue for each of you – yes, the both of you. Get off his scale and he might (only might) stop telling you how to love.

Give up trying to checkmate your mate, begin minding your own business, and you might fall in love all over again.

From Steve, my friend and business partner: I would remind ‘happily married for 16 or 20 years’ to perhaps ask her husband to increase his life insurance policy so that when he dies early of weight related issues she will have enough to live comfortably with her next partner. She can make a deal to never mention his weight again once he has updated the life insurance policy and actually playfully encourage him to eat more. Beyond that, I would hope she continues to stay in great shape with ambitious plans to enjoy her middle age years and beyond – with or without her overweight husband. Cheers, Steve

2 Comments to “He is overweight and he won’t do anything about it….”

  1. I would remind ‘happily married for 16 of 20 years’ to perhaps ask her husband to increase his life insurance policy so that when he dies early of weight related issues she will have enough to live comfortably with her next partner. She can make a deal to never mention his weight again once he has updated the life insurance policy and actually playfully encourage him to eat more. Beyond that, I would hope she continues to stay in great shape with ambitious plans to enjoy her middle age years and beyond – with or without her overweight husband. Cheers, Steve

  2. Yes, I do agree with your comments Rod and Steve. So often there is a deep desire in relationships for the other to somehow comply with these sorts of demands/desires. When we realise that we are ultimately responsible for our own happiness and have to get on with living the best life we can, things are easier and cleaner. When we take responsiblity for our own lives there is less possiblity of manipulation. Yes, if the woman’s husband wants to enter an early grave she has no control over this. Great idea to get him to up his insurance policy. She has to grieve her losses, fall in love with herself again and move on. He may follow suit, he may not.

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