June 18, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I really admired a man I worked with and we became friends. We exchanged phone numbers and email addresses. We’d call each other and send messages. We became very good friends. I was going to Johannesburg to visit friends so I got him a gift to express my gratitude. I told him that I had a gift for him. He insisted we meet for lunch that weekend so I tried to accommodate him. When in Johannesburg I called him to let him know I had arrived. He sounded excited but told me he had to go Mpumalanga. When I called I felt like he was avoiding me. So later that day I tried calling him his phone was on voice mail for the rest of the weekend. I was so upset because he suggested that we meet and have lunch. Ever since then he has been different. He avoids my calls, he doesn’t even reply to my messages. It is hurtful because I trusted him and he was a really good friend. I have even suggested we go for weekend just us two he doesn’t respond. What would you suggest I do?” (Letter shortened)
Rod’s reply: You are working too hard. I’d suggest the man is not worth your efforts and is probably hiding something significant from you.
Posted in Affairs, Attraction, Betrayal |
1 Comment »
June 18, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I feel lost. My husband and I have been married for 4 years. Everything was great. Good sex life, good communication, and we have an 11-month-old baby. I am three months pregnant. I went to visit my parents for 10 days and came back and my husband told me he thought of me as only a friend. I am shocked. I never saw it coming. He says he doesn’t want to be with any other women in a serious relationship again. He says I did nothing wrong. I am 24. I built my whole life around him. I am very depressed. My mom wants me to take the baby to stay with her. I am hoping therapy will help him but it may not make him love me again. I just want to kiss him and hug him and tell him I love him. I don’t know what to do. I am so depressed.” (cut for space)
This is a relationship worth fighting for. The children need their dad and you need your husband. The man needs a short course in growing up and living up to with the commitments he has already made. I trust he will read this and face his family and be the man he is called to be. Love is not ONLY a feeling, and sometimes you have to do the hard work of love for the feelings to return.
Posted in Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
1 Comment »
June 17, 2007
by Rod Smith
My mother (64) and my father (63) have been at each other for years about an event in their marriage that nearly ended it. Sometimes it seems to get heated and sometimes it seems to be playful. I think my dad had an affair but it is not something either has talked about. I feel like I should try to uncover what this upset was all about as a way of securing these things do not occur in my own marriage. What do you think? (Letter condensed)
Some people need their conflicts....
I think you ought to leave your parents to fight their own well-worn battles. People need their “old” conflicts, and it seems from the tone of what you have said, that their conflict is part of their glue, their mutual culture, and the ongoing conversation that help keep them going.
Uncovering your parents’ issues in the belief it will secure stability in your own marriage is to bark up the wrong tree.
Focus on being committed to your emotional health, your covenant relationship, and your long-term individual goals as a person and shared long-term goals as a couple, and your marriage will probably be most satisfying.
Posted in Affairs |
1 Comment »
June 11, 2007
by Rod Smith
My children and I are off this morining to the South Pacific and Asia – where I am engaged in several speaking assignments.
Please be patient. It might be a day or two before I can post again.
Editors: I have already sent the whole week of columns off to your copy editors.
It is my policy NOT to place the column on the web until it has appeared in “hard copy” on newsstands.
Rod Smith
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
1 Comment »
June 11, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My girlfriend lied about having leukemia to get sympathy and to make me feel like I was important to her. Not only was that odd, but she used to spend time with an unsavory character who was always with women. She claimed he was her best friend and that she understood him differently than anyone else. I know they were also sexually active on the side. Talk about hurt from my first girlfriend and the girl who was my first intimate experience. Suicide definitely crossed my mind when I found all this out.” (Edited for general audience)
Rod’s Reply: Suicide would have served no good purpose. Perhaps you will exercise some caution the next time you fall in love. It seems your former girlfriend is a troubled woman and your escape from her influence can only be good for both of you.
Posted in Communication |
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June 8, 2007
by Rod Smith
READER: My dad had a stroke last year but has recovered. During that time I had spent a lot of time caring for him and taking him for medical attention. After his stroke I have been having a lot of panic and anxiety attacks which results in me having high blood pressure and a raised pulse rate. My anxiety is caused when I have a headache, which I immediately associate with high blood pressure. If I have any aches I always associate it with some dreadful health issue. Please advise me as to how I can overcome this ugly feeling as I want to feel secure again and not have that dreaded feeling. Please help me?”
Visit your private physician for a complete checkup. Your experience with your dad has baptized you into a milieu of illness and anxiety, making you hypersensitive to your own potential to be sick. It is understandable that you will think the sky is falling and the worst is just around the corner with every ache or pain. It is time for you to recover from your dad’s stroke, and a visit to your doctor could help set that in motion.
Write to Rod@DifficultRelationships.com or visit http://www.DifficultRelationships.com.
Posted in Uncategorized |
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June 7, 2007
by Rod Smith
“Since I have stopped communications with two of my friends via telephone, ‘sms’ and visiting to their homes the relationships have ceased. Prior to this I highlighted that if I did not contact them, they’d not communicate with me. They would not bother sending me an sms checking to see if I was doing okay. Their excuse was always distance and airtime, yet, when they needed a loan or something, distance did not stop them coming to my home. One of my friends began communicating with my partner, little chitchats, and not once did I see a message from her asking how I was doing. Am I just a friend to them when they need something? Am I being petty or is what i am feeling true?” (Edited slightly)
Rod replies: The relationships are not reciprocal and you feel used. The details might be petty but the feelings are real. Remain calm and tell both friends exactly what you see and feel. You may have to resign yourself to enjoy one-sided friendships, or find more responsive friends. Resist reading your partners chitchats with others. It’s not a good idea. Then, if you want someone to know how you are, tell him or her, rather than wait to be asked. The former is healthy. The latter is a manipulative ploy.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
1 Comment »
June 6, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My second marriage did not withstand the pressures of blending a family. I recommend professional family counseling for all who try. The divorce rate amongst couples with children from previous marriages outpaces the horrendous rate of first time marriages.
“My stepson viewed me as the enemy. I represented the deathblow to his fantasy that somehow his parents would reconcile. Children very often feel as if the divorce was their fault, and, as irrational as that may be, it is what they feel. It’s important step-parents understand that the child is projecting all of the rage, fear, and heartbreak outwardly towards the new scapegoat.
“Many parents feel guilty about their divorces, and so have unhealthy boundaries with their children. They overcompensate, or do not expect enough. This creates fuel for a fire that is going to rage anyway. Anyone who has raised teenagers understands that this may be one of the most challenging times in the family life.
“As difficult as it may be to hear, blending families rarely works. If one has the option I would suggest separate living arrangements. It doesn’t mean that the relationship can’t continue, but I would remove myself from the dynamics of the parent/child/ex-spouse and regain a sense of self and peace.” (Edited for space)
Posted in Adolescence, Blended families, Difficult Relationships, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Stepfather, Stepmother |
3 Comments »
June 4, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I seek help for my parents who live in New Zealand. I have ticked all the items from your article on 2006/05/18 about spousal abuse on my mother’s behalf but both are in dire need of immediate help. They have been married for 32 years and I have grown up seeing my father mistreat and disrespect my mother. She thinks about leaving him all the time but says she doesn’t know stops her. My father gambles their savings and he’s an alcoholic who blames my mother for his failures. It’s almost as though my mother has become comfortable with being uncomfortable all her married life. As they are getting older, I fear more and more about their safety and I want to help them. Can you help me help them at all?”
Rod responds: After 32 years they are “in dire need of immediate help.” I don’t think so. They have danced this way for so long you can be sure nothing will change because anyone of us writes of says anything. Until your mother sees something about her behavior that must change, things will stay the same. Regard yourself as powerless over your parents’ marriage. The sooner you do this, the sooner one of them might get some helpful help.
Posted in Victims |
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June 4, 2007
by Rod Smith
I will be in Australia for a week (next week), Taiwan for the next two weeks, then Korea for one week after that.
I will return to Australia for a few more weeks (visiting Sydney, Canberra, and Melbourne) and head home to the USA in the later part of July.
Thanks for your interest.
I will post daily “You and Me” columns from those destinations.
Rod and Children
Posted in Uncategorized |
4 Comments »
