I will post columnns from this wonderful setting. Please continue to write to me at Rod@DifficultRelationships.com If you have an interest in following my lectures please access them at http://www.FamilyTherapy.WordPress.com.
June 4, 2007
Room with a view: I am in Switzerland for the week….
I will post columnns from this wonderful setting. Please continue to write to me at Rod@DifficultRelationships.com If you have an interest in following my lectures please access them at http://www.FamilyTherapy.WordPress.com.
June 4, 2007
My fiancé has anger problems and it got so bad that he threatened to beat me
Reader: My fiancé has anger problems and it got so bad that he threatened to beat me. He says he is not physically abusive but the verbal threats scare me enough. He blames me, saying I provoke him and if I do, I don’t know how I am doing it. He gets angry even at the baby sometimes. I have got myself into a bad situation because I’m financially dependent on him and we have a baby together. He is so sweet and, boom he changes with outbursts of rage. I love him and then I’m scared of him. I try to trust God that he will show me what to do, but anxiety and depression get in the way of seeing things clearly. I pray and still find no peace.
Rod Responds: This is not about love, but safety. Please read Anna Quindlin’s book entitled “Black and Blue” and do whatever you can to remove yourself, and your baby, from this dangerous situation. You, no matter what you do, cannot provoke him to abusive acts. His anger is HIS responsibility. Please do not marry this man. Marrying him will solve nothing but only allow him even more control of over you and your life.
June 3, 2007
Some of Life’s greatest joys:
1. Knowing that your aging parents are satisfied with life
2. Seeing your children engage in work and learning because work and learning are good despite the promise of reward
3. Carving out the time to read a great book
4. Turning an enemy into a friend
5. Finding a wad of unexpected cash in an old suit pocket
6. Getting your shoes shined in an airport while you just sit there looking rich
7. Being served a perfect cup of tea
8. Enjoying good curry
9. Hearing a family member apologize when wrong
10. Bathing a baby, then rocking him or her to sleep
11. Long-lasting friendships
12. Finding you keys and wallet when, this time, you thought they were gone for good.
May 30, 2007
My husband says he needs his space. What is going on?
You are probably feeling enormous pain and, while this is not meant as a cheap pun, playing “space invaders” is seldom comfortable. Desiring “space” is normal and, not in itself, an indication of rejection.
The “space” people want at first is emotional space. If there’s no room to move (emotionally) they will want out (physically)!
Overcrowding each other is not helpful. We are each designed to know and experience our unique freedom. If it’s not respected, things get uncomfortable. The secret is creating “space” within the relationship rather than leaving (ending) the relationship. A person who cannot find the space they need within a marriage is unlikely to find it outside the marriage or with someone else.
When people enter each other’s private emotional environment too often or for too long, even if they are in love, somebody’s going to resist, retaliate, run or at the least, become very crabby. All people need and want space to move and be unencumbered even when very much in love (perhaps even more so!)
Begin all relationships with some distance “built in.” Don’t give 100% of your time to anyone (not even to a baby; even babies need space). If “emotionally overcrowding” each other were avoided, people would not need to “tussle” for breathing space, thinking space, or resting space.
May 29, 2007
Life’s toughest assignments, or challenges, I have observed people face…
1. Loving others when you are not loved in return
2. Working in your family’s business
3. Being a preacher or pastor’s son or daughter
4. Marrying someone with children (and doubly so when you have children too)
5. Completing (coming to terms with, finding peace after) a divorce
6. Accepting your children’s step-parent(s)
7. Forgiving unfaithfulness
8. Digging yourself out of debt
9. Surviving as alcoholic or mentally ill parent
10. Facing prolonged or severe illness in yourself or your family
11. Being deceived by someone you love
12. Teaching and training your memory and your imagination to serve you well
13 – 20 are from Nancy Axelrad http://www.nancyaxelrad.wordpress.com/
13. Laying down your life for others
14. Enduring trials and suffering without faith in Christ
15. Leaving the one you cannot bear to be away from
16. Marrying for the wrong reasons
17. Marrying for the right reasons but life happens
18. You see good marriages flourish while you still wait for Mr./Ms. Right
19. You cannot have the children you want
20. Living in a ghetto of unfulfilled dreams
21. Weight loss (Anthony Lombardo)
(add your own through “comments” and I will be happy to add them to the list)
Write to Rod@DifficultRelationships.com or visit www.DifficultRelationships.com
May 27, 2007
Fixing others, in the hope of finding happiness….
I got a visit from Jill today. She spent an hour telling me all the things wrong with her boyfriend, Jack. Word, words, words, details and more details filled the room. I decided there is no human, no matter how loving, kind and patient, who could fill the hole of dissatisfaction in Jill’s life. She is so convinced that if she can just “fix” Jack and make him the “right” kind of person, all her unhappiness will cease.
Jill demonstrated again that unhappy people have an uncontrollable urge to meddle in the lives of others. This is most evident with “loved” ones. To try to fix, coerce, push, and make others into what we think they should be, is not the fruit of love. Love doesn’t do any of these things. It offers support and encouragement when someone wants to change but it resists the temptation to try and change others.
Oh, dear Jill, get your eyes off all that is “wrong” with Jack, and see that your misery continues because you refuse to accept others as they are. Focus on what you can improve about who you are. Give Jack, and the imperfect world around you, a break!
May 23, 2007
Attraction to a co-worker: should I tell him….?
READER: I am feeling very attracted to a co-worker. This attraction has not gone anywhere yet. I do not want to ruin my marriage. In the interests of honesty should I tell this man about my feelings to deflate the attraction?
ROD: Absolutely not – your feelings of attraction to this man are not about this man, in fact, (unless he is encouraging you) your feelings have nothing to do with him!
Here’s the axiom: You have the feeling – you have the problem.
If you are going to express this to anyone, in an attempt to “deflate the attraction,” it ought to be your husband. Such a conversation, were it to occur, must be handled with great care. Tread carefully. It takes great maturity for a couple to discuss matters that appear to be undermining their primary relationship.
May 23, 2007
Teen has become surly — and hardly talks to parent anymore….
READER: My talkative, pleasant, and loving child has become a surely teenager (15) who hardly says anything to anyone at home. We have made the home friendly and open so friends would feel welcome, but she chooses to not have friends over at all. I feel shut out of her life. I miss her. I do not want to control my daughter or monitor everything she does or pry into her private life. I just want to know her. She spends hours on the phone talking with her friends and yet can find nothing to say to her parents. What can I do?
ROD: Write her a letter about everything you feel and think regarding her relationship with you. Without judging or blaming her, tell her, simply, as you have told me, that you miss her, and want to be an active parent in her life. Your truth, lovingly and simply expressed, will be the most powerful and effective way of reaching her. There are no tricks or ploys that will have enduring results. Tell your daughter of your love and your desire to know her, then give her a lot of room to respond to you in her own time and manner. My talkative, pleasant, and loving child has become a surly teenager (15) who hardly says anything to anyone at home. We have made the home friendly and open so friends would feel welcome, but she chooses to not have friends over at all. I feel shut out of her life. I miss her. I do not want to control my daughter or monitor everything she does or pry into her private life. I just want to know her. She spends hours on the phone talking with her friends and yet can find nothing to say to her parents. What can I do?
Write her a letter about everything you feel and think regarding her relationship with you. Without judging or blaming her, tell her, simply, as you have told me, that you miss her, and want to be an active parent in her life. Your truth, lovingly and simply expressed, will be the most powerful and effective way of reaching her. There are no tricks or ploys that will have enduring results. Tell your daughter of your love and your desire to know her, then give her a lot of room to respond to you in her own time and manner.
May 23, 2007
You know you’ve met a healthy family when…
1. It is frequently difficult to tell who, if anyone, is running the show.
2. There is a lot of noise and laughter.
3. The children sometimes form a healthy alliance against the parents, and the children often get their way.
4. There are frequent conflicts.
5. Differences are embraced, even encouraged.
6. Healthy families generate a degree of chaos almost everywhere they go. It takes a lot of energy to get the family to do anything together, as a group, because everyone is so busy with “outside-the-family” activities.
7. While such families intend differently, they are seldom on time for anything. They change their minds at the last moment and do something quite unexpected.
8. Roles and rules are not set in stone. Negotiation skills are highly valued.
9. Hurtful words and actions are avoided but quickly repaired when necessary.
10. The parents have a life together that frequently excludes the children.
May 20, 2007
Her ex treats me like dirt….
I am getting married to a woman whose ex-husband treats me like dirt. He comes into her house unannounced (she unlocks the when she knows he is close to the house) to pick up their son (9) and totally ignores me. Now he’s told the child to phone him whenever the son thinks his mother and “her new boyfriend” argue. My girlfriend is afraid to take a stand because tension upsets the child. In the meantime I am left watching all this like a silent bystander. I can’t comment because that too will upset the son. I am not sure I can live like this. Something has to change. Please help. (Situation reconstructured)
Rod’s response: You are right. Something has to begin to change or you will find yourself in a horrible bind. I’d suggest you request a meeting with the ex-husband to discuss these matters. He must have some redeeming qualities since you have both loved the same woman.
Assuming he wants the very best for his son, one could hope he’d want a discussion with his son’s new step-dad. Call me naïve, but I think it is worth a try. You will be treated like dirt if you yourself refuse to talk up for yourself and allow people to walk all over you.
