November 6, 2007
by Rod Smith
On Sunday morning I thought we’d do the “European thing” and ride our bikes to church. (It seems to me that everyone rides bikes everywhere in Europe). So, my five and nine year old sons following closely behind me, we Smiths set out to cycle the three of four blocks through our neighborhood — and then, on arrival, we tied our bikes to a tree outside the gothic cathedral which is our church home.
It didn’t end with the ride home after the service. The boys and I decided we’d ride to the nearest coffee shop, and then onto “Kid’s Ink” the local children’s bookstore. After a snack at the Food Emporium we hit the canal and cycled through the university – before we ambled (can one “amble” on a bicycle?) our way toward home.
Tired from several hours of cycling, we pulled our bikes onto the steps leading to our front door when Thulani (9) reflected, “Daddy. I like our little lives.” When asked to enlarge on this (I am a therapist, remember) he continued, “I like it when you are not too busy to ride with us and we can stop at the park and eat snacks on the grass and.., and.., I just like our little lives.”
Posted in Differentiation, Family, Friendship |
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November 5, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I don’t know what to do. My brother (25) and his girlfriend (24) are coming to stay for a few days. They live together (and are not married). My children (boys who are 6 and 7) know they are not married and I don’t know if I should let my brother and his girlfriend stay in the same room. We are Christians and do not support living together and I am not sure what kind of message this will send to my children.” (Shortened)
If you judge your brother your attitude toward him will send your children a stronger, more memorable and negative message than any memory each boy might retain of an uncle’s sleeping arrangements.
I’d suggest you fall on your knees and thank God you have a brother who wants to visit your home, and allow your adult brother and his adult girlfriend to decide where they’d like to sleep – even when visiting your home.
Your children are likely to remember how you love their uncle more than they will remember where anyone slept!
Posted in Faith, Family, In-laws |
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November 3, 2007
by Rod Smith
I am listening....
1. Neither client nor therapist exaggerates therapist’s abilities or the client’s condition.
2. Therapist sees role as helping client steer toward a more productive, healthy future.
3. Client sees the “big picture” over the “long haul” rather than immediate relief in the “here and now.” (Patience, patience, patience).
4. Client and therapist maintain a sense of humor (a sure indication of health) while facing life’s inevitable challenges. Not everything can or will be better no matter how much therapy you throw at it!
5. Client and therapist call forth the client’s strengths and the innate human desire for adventure, rather than engage in the seemingly endless pursuit to understand a client’s pathological history, weaknesses, parents’ weaknesses, and debilitating reasonable, and unreasonable fears.
6. Therapist and client understand the limited benefits of empathy in exchange for the overwhelming benefits of challenge and adventure.
7. Client realizes that psychological insight without action (acting upon the insight) is a waste of money, time and useful therapeutic process. Sometimes a person has to actually DO something rather than be filled with insight about what needs to be done.
8. Client is willing to increase the ability to tolerate necessary pain (both within self and within others) and resist the understandable pressure to alleviate the very pain essential for growth to occur.
9. Therapist challenges the client repeatedly toward self-definition (to grow up!) in the face of life’s natural obstacles.
Conditions under which counseling or therapy will be of little or no value…
Time and again I hear “If I could just get him/her to see a counselor” as if a counselor can work magic to heal and solve all personal and relationship problems. Few trained counselors would see themselves as possessing such unrealistic powers. Here are some conditions (there are others) under which even counseling will be of little or no value:
1. When a person is forced, or cornered, or manipulated into seeing a counselor.
2. When a person has no motivation for change.
3. When a person agrees to see a counselor because he/she believes counseling will “fix” someone else in the family.
4. When the person’s mind is already made up over and issue (a pending divorce, continued involvement in an affair) and goes to counseling so he/she can say he/she tried it and it was no help.
5. When a person is resistant to getting help (doesn’t see the need for help) and offers counselors little or no respect in the first place.
6. When the person is combative from the outset and sees the therapeutic hour as time to show how clever (or funny, or morose, or argumentative, or stubborn, or intellectual) he/she can be.
7. When the person has already made up his/her mind that there’s no hope (”we’ve tried it all before”) or that counseling is a waste of time and money.
Posted in Anger, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Education, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Re-marriage, Recovery, Responsive people, Sexual compatibility, Step parenting, Teenagers, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Voice, Young Love |
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October 31, 2007
by Rod Smith
“I met a guy and fell in love. I moved in with him and got pregnant and started planning the wedding but then he was physically abusive so I moved home. He moved back once the baby was born when he realized what he was missing. For 8 years, he continued to waiver back and forth between ‘Nice’ Mark and ‘Mean’ Mark. I finally kicked him out but we were still having sex. I really wanted him to get counseling and come home because I do love him. But he met someone else and is now seriously dating her. He sends texts to her with ‘XOXO,’ which makes me sick. He says he still loves me and is more attracted to me than her. What must I do?”
Attraction is strongest between people of similar emotional health (and un-health). You are at least as confused as he is. Until you take responsibility for your own life, and confront the fact that this man is not good for you, your treadmill of pain and disappointment will continue.
I continue, even as a therapist myself, to be awed by the overwhelming pervasive belief people place in the power of counseling. This man doesn’t need counseling. He needs women who refuse to play his cruel, hurtful games.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
2 Comments »
October 31, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My daughter in law is like my own daughter. We are very close. She says I am the mother she never had. For a few weeks, even months, she has been very sad about being unable to become pregnant. I have been giving her all the encouragement I can give her. I am finding it difficult to talk to my son about this and wanted to ask you if I should talk to him about it.”
Be encouraged that you and your daughter-in-law have found a relationship that you each find fulfilling. I’d suggest you continue offering her all the support you can while she is experiencing the stress of trying to become pregnant.
It might be wise to talk with your son about these matters only if he raises the topic with you. Short of him telling you he’d like to discuss it, I’d suggest you leave him to find an outlet that he finds comfortable.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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October 29, 2007
by Rod Smith
I took on two stepchildren twelve years ago who have become wonderful adults who love all their parents. Here are some things I did to make life easier:
- I didn’t take the place of anyone. I took my place.
- I didn’t get in the way of their affections for their parents, but expected them to be well mannered and enjoyed their affection when offered.
- I got out of the way when there was conflict and let the people who had known the children the longest sort it out. If I was a source of the conflict I admitted it, stood my ground, or apologized.
- I found being rigid doesn’t work too well with any kind of family.
- I did not get caught up in trying to make everything fair. I realized this was a trap and I wasn’t going to spend my life measuring everything.
- I got out of the way when the children had conflict with each other and I encouraged their father to do the same.
- When I did not have full cooperation from my husband I let him know immediately.
- I was friendly with the children’s mother so we could cooperate regarding the children.
(Synthesized from a conversation)
Posted in Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Family, High maintenance relationships, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Trust, Voice |
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October 25, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My wife spends a lot of time at home because of family commitments and I understand that she needs to circulate with other people. When she does go out she seems to go over the top and stays out late. She doesn’t want to talk to, stating that she knows everything about me. When she spends a lot of time with other men, I tend to get jealous. I have been married before and I am scared that my wife will leave me for another man which is what happened in my previous marriage. She says she loves me but I don’t know whether of not to believe her. I am really fighting with my self internally to give her the space she requires and to not stifle her. Is there some things I might read, or things I should do to try and releive my fear, or try and get to the bottom of how she feels.”
Getting to the bottom of how you feel is sufficiently difficult, let alone trying to get to the bottom of how she feels. Leave her feelings alone. Read David Schnarch’s Passionate Marriage. The book will help you see where you end and she begins – that is what is at the core of your troubles.
Posted in Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Listening, Living together, Manipulation, Marriage, Past relationships, Schnarch, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice |
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October 24, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My wife is having an ‘emotional affair’ with a best friend who spends more time with her than I do. He hears more about her life than I do, and is closer to her than I am. I watch this happening and over time it gets more and more intense and I am supposed to be calm because it is a close friendship. We have children, a house, and careers: a lot to give up for this ‘friendship’ that carries none of the responsibilities of the marriage. Am I supposed to stand by patiently or blow it all out of the water? Please help.” (Condensed, with permission, from a conversation)
AIr your views, please...
While it might be a tall order, I’d suggest you get to know him, offer also to be a friend to this apparently lonely man. Push the friendship to the limit. It will expose motives, and either re-unite you with your wife, or have you picking up after a divorce. To push, to question, and to join them (especially unexpectedly) when they are together (since she is your wife and they are “just friends” you do not need an invitation to or permission to join them), is your only way to escape the anguished limbo you are currently feeling – and it will offer you the potential to regain emotional intimacy with your wife.
Posted in Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Triggers, Trust, Victims |
12 Comments »
October 23, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My husband and my parents just do not get along. They seem to be fighting about everything and anything. My husband says he’s not at fault and my parents say they are not at fault. But I feel trapped in the middle. How do I deal with both without hurting or betraying the other.”
Get out of the middle. Leave the room when their conflicts surface. Laugh uproariously at their childish ways. Find the humor in their absurd inability to co-exist as adults.
But, do not carry messages between the “warring” groups. Say things like, “He’s your son-in-law, talk to him yourself,” and, “My parents can hear this from you as much as they can from me. You talk to them.”
It is possible for you to love and honor both of these intense relationships without their divide severing you in two.
Remember, you are powerless over relationhips that do not involve you. These relationships impact you, yes, but they do not involve you.
Posted in High maintenance relationships, In-laws |
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October 22, 2007
by Rod Smith
“My daughter (26) constantly asks for money. She gets dead-end jobs and we have to pay her accounts (bills). We go without while she has everything. She has to have a car (to get to her job) and a cell phone (in case she gets the offer of a better job) and new clothes (to dress for an interview) and in the meantime her dad and I are forking out every month! Please help.” (Letter consolidated)
While you “fork out” your daughter has no motivation to change! Your niceness assists your mutual destruction. Stop. Today! Stop paying a cent toward anything for her. Turn off the source. I know I’ll be flooded with Emails suggesting I am hard, unkind, and don’t understand. I’ll be told it is clear that I am not a mother! Others will tell me things are different in South Africa and because I live in the USA I am out of touch with what it is like to be young in South Africa. Gosh, your daughter is 26! How much longer will you allow her to live like a dependent child. She is an adult.
Spoilt young adults (believe me America is full of them) are spoilt young adults no matter where they live. While you persist in bailing your daughter out, she will persist in giving you a hole into which you can throw your money. Stop. This is YOUR problem, not hers.
Posted in Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Parenting/Children, Reactivity |
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