“My husband hasn’t come right out and said he does not love me but for the last thirty years we rarely talk; we don’t go out, he says I’m boring and unattractive. He stopped having sex with me thirty years ago. He said it was too much work for so little. I feel like I’m a thorn in his side. I’ve been miserable all these years to the point where most of my friends don’t know I’m married. He says he didn’t like marriage so he just ignores it and me. We are like flat-dwellers: I have the upstairs and he has the downstairs. He is not gay or into porn. I have the only computer and the only phone in the house and they go where I go. He doesn’t go any where except the grocery store and doctors. He chooses to not have friends.”

It is easy to assume that is your husband who has the problem.

You have abdicated responsibility for your life to a man who is unwilling to handle it.

Take your future into your own hands. Stop blaming your husband for your failure to show up for yourself.

Friday challenge, inspiration, and thanks…..

The word “ubuntu” is bandied about even in the USA. While I have read what Bishop Tutu says about it, and while I am very familiar with the spirit of Ubuntu, I challenge readers to write a 195-word non-fiction event in their lives where they saw ubuntu in action. Please keep to the word limit. Please refrain from using abbreviated or “text” language. I delete almost all mail that is in “text” style. The best “ubuntu” story will win a R200 gift card to Exclusive Books. I am the sole judge! You have a week to submit your story.

My quote of the week comes from Clint Morck of Durban: “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.” Thanks, Clint. You inspired and amused me.

If the South African Receiver Services (SARS) is anything like the USA tax services then it is impersonal, rigid, and humorless. This is not my experience. During this past week, a man whom I only know as Akesh demonstrated that there is reasonableness where and when it is least expected. Akesh helped me, via my sister, to do the impossible, and this brief acknowledgment is to thank him indeed. I now have a SARS tax number!

Many a relationship suffer:

1. When being right (or correct, moral, and accurate) is so important, so insisted upon, by one of the parties, that it is at the expense of being loving. A healthy person can sometimes sacrifice the need to be right with the understanding that being loving trumps being right.
2. When anxiety and love are confused. “I am anxious about you” is a far cry from “I love you.” They are not the same thing. Anxious people often believe true love necessitates worry. “How will he know I love him if I don’t worry about him?” is the plea of the anxious partner or parent. A healthy person understands that his or her anxiety is not an indication of love and therefore works toward reducing anxiety in his or her life lest it do its destructive work.
3. When love and control become synonymous. “If you love me you will dress (speak, think, see, hear) according to my will,” says the controller, “or I will question your love for me.” Healthy love insists upon and celebrates freedom.
4. When love means “melting” into each other, giving up individual identity in the name of love. “We’re so close we even think each others thoughts,” proclaims the unhealthy couple. Healthy love elevates separateness, space and individuality.

“My mother and I agreed to go with whatever you suggest. She says I am too young to have a boyfriend. I say I am not. I am 15. He (17) lives near me and it would be easy for me to see him without her knowing. My mother and I have been very close. I want to keep it that way. Please tell us what to do. If you say I am too young what age is not too young?”

I have known 30-year-olds who are too “young” to date, and I’ve met the occasional teenager who was more ready for marriage than some who were on their third spouse.

Nonetheless, I will not side with you or your mother. This is a matter for the two of you to address.

I am a newspaper columnist. I live on the other side of the world from you. It is unlikely we will ever meet. Your mother, on the other hand, has loved you from your beginnings. She has probably nurtured you through thick and thin and it is likely that she knows you at least as well as she knows herself.

Negotiating with your mother, and then ultimately obeying and pleasing her, will do far more for you and your relationships than anything you will ever read from me.

If things are going well or going poorly, if it is at work, at home, or at play, here are a dozen Golden Principles to improve the milieu wherever you are:

1. Take responsibility only for your own actions and allow others the joy and privilege of doing the same.
2. Speak only for yourself and for your young children, and allow all others (usually your children who are twelve and above) to do the same. Of course there are exceptions – this is a broad principle.
3. Show up for yourself – express what you want, what you do not want, both with the understanding you may get neither.
4. Listen more than you talk.
5. Affirm others (help build reputations) rather than destroy others by spreading negativity.
6. Strive for agreement, harmony, and even consensus, but don’t let all future action be crippled if you are met with disagreement, disharmony, and a lack of consensus. I am all for negotiation, but there are times when the search for agreement or harmony or consensus is a form of sabotage. Sometimes, it is not. Wisdom is knowing the difference.
7. Hold empathy as a hope worthy of pursuit, but embrace challenge and adventure as absolute necessities. There are enough boring people in the world, don’t be one of them.
8. Define yourself, not others. Think only for yourself – I did not say think only “of” yourself.
9. Avoid gossip and those who gossip.
10. Do what is right even when it is not popular.
11. Pray, even if you don’t believe in God – the act alone is good for you.
12. Forgive.

“You seem to think that ‘unplanned pregnancies’ should not be terminated and that it is OK for someone to ‘go it alone’. Please take over the financing of the third pregnancy of my ‘host child’ from Child Welfare? She has been told to accept that in her culture the men will run around and have many girlfriends and children. The new boyfriend says his granny will take over the baby once it is born if it can be proved to be his. So in six months is get the DNA tests done, or else you might have to carry on paying for this child as well as the other two. In the meantime she is very expensive. The children do not eat porridge or soup as it gives them diarrhea! The school to which she wants to send them is the one featured in our papers as having 150 children in one classroom and she will need you to pay for them as well as make up to her for lost income. There are the dental extractions she needs that the hospital apparently refuses to do, so you will have to pay privately. I can’t afford this pregnancy and hope that you can.” (Edited)

The issues you and your “daughter” share have nothing to do with money.