My sons; our dog - Indianapolis

I will tell you 5 reasons:

Reason # 1. I get a high, a thrill, call it what you will, when I know someone has read my column and made the decision to live more meaningfully, more determinedly, more powerfully. I know things often work in tandem, and sometimes the column is a necessary catalyst to get someone out of a pointless orbit and into something more rewarding and purposeful. The fact that I hardly ever know the person (sometimes I do) or even what country he or she is in makes it even more rewarding for me.

Reason # 2. It’s a little tiresome for me to hear strong talk about sin as smoking or drinking or sex before marriage (I’ve worked in church circles a lot) – when the real sin, in my mind (without appearing to endorse any “traditional” sin) is the failure to fully live, to fully use ones skills and talents, to live at half or even quarter potential. If a handful of readers move towards greater effectiveness as a direct or indirect result of anything I have written I will count the daily joy worth every minute. (Reason 2 sounds a lot like Reason 1 — aah, a theme!)

Reason # 3. I grew up reading The Mercury – a South African morning newspaper – and my favorite section was The Idler. It captured my boyhood imagination that one person could “talk” to so many people every day for years and I wanted to do the same. After a brief visit in 2000 with the then editor, Dennis Pather, I was in. “You and Me” has been published every weekday since, usually in the top right-hand corner of the op-ed page and on opposite ends of spread where The Idler still appears.

Reason # 4. I LOVE Family Systems Theory and know that its application to any issue, in any culture, will bring desired reasonable change directly proportional to the willingness of the person or family to “stay” with the change they wish to see occur.

Reason # 5. I have and have always had an almost insatiable desire to communicate. Even if I am in an airport terminal (or on a bus or in a waiting room) I want to call a meeting. I want to challenge people to get to know each other, I want to get people motivated to “do” something. The web, a column, and an audience is perfect for me to express my inner desire to reach out and communicate. It’s not about money or reward – it’s about the desire to influence and to be connected.

“My family wants to stay where we have always lived. I want to move for my career. My children (10, 12) have well-established friendships and my wife is a strong member of her church. The last thing I want to do is to uproot the family just for my own sake and I want it to be a family decision. Do we move to Cape Town or not? I am not asking you about the choice, I am asking you about the process of making the decision. The money is not significantly different.”

This is not a “family decision.” It is a mother-father decision. You and your wife get to make it.

Your children will establish added meaningful friendships wherever you live – and keep the friendships they already have.

Given the privilege of choices, I’d suggest you take the one offering most adventure.

Humans were designed for challenge, danger, and pioneering. There’s a lot of “leap before you look” in us all.

“I’m 18 and my girlfriend is 16. She is very high maintenance. She always finds something to be upset about, and I can do everything to make her happy and she’ll find something that I did wrong. I constantly struggle with guilt and feel like a bad boyfriend. I will say she is very spoiled. She is used to getting her way. Once I refused to let her come over to my house because I needed some time to myself. She went crazy saying that she is always the one consoling and whenever it comes to her problems she never gets to talk about them. She always holds things in and I get yelled at because she didn’t want to talk about something. I’m just wondering if this has a good chance of becoming better. It has only gotten worse after 9 months. Is this all teenage emotions or does something need to be fixed?”

I’d suggest something needs to be addressed. The tough news is that you are probably not going to be the one who helps her fix it. It appears that this relationship is doing neither of you much good. It might be time for you to allow her to secure the kind of help she really needs.

“My daughter (25) is constant downer. She enjoys little, complains much, and is always negative. If it is not the economy it is world politics. She is sad about the education of her children and complains we didn’t move to another country when she was a child. Her husband has to work at being the ‘up’ person or she brings a cloud to everything. What can I do to help?”

While there is a lot to be down about, being constantly down is not very helpful.

Suggest your daughter get a full medical examination with a view to treating possible depression.

If your daughter is one who is prone to see the proverbial glass half empty and is not suffering from a clinical depression (only diagnosable by medical or psychological professional) I’d suggest she do the moving she claims you failed to do.

Even if she does move, she will discover that negativity cannot be outrun. It will move with her no matter where she lives. Of course it is not where a person lives but how one lives that gives any degree of fulfillment and contentment.

If she is not clinically depressed and does not need medical help, I’d suggest you do all you can to avoid her attempts to sabotage your happiness.

Friendship is the ultimate compliment.

Friendship IS the most powerful and important gift one person can offer another.

You can be someone’s child, parent, grandparent, doctor, lawyer, counselor, spouse, or benefactor – and not be his or her friend.

I see it frequently: men and women who are better friends to “outsiders” than they are to “insiders.”

But when you are someone’s friend, all other roles become secondary – even that of parent or spouse.

I am not suggesting parents and children ought to be pals or best friends in some odd arrangement of twisted roles. I have no desire to be my child’s best friend and nor does either one of my sons have a need for more friends. My sons need me to be their dad. But when being my sons’ dad is accomplished on my behalf, I trust we will continue as friends.

Yes. There is an end to our role as parents. When the time comes (around your son or daughter’s mid-twenties) I hope you and I will find the transition into that of a friend, easy.

When you are friends with anyone (family or not) – freedom, grace, openness, forgiveness, necessary confrontations, generosity, and the sharing of life’s delights and life’s pain become the currency in which you operate.