Power struggles abound

Every person has been given a Power Balloon that represents an allotment of power. This is the power to have a voice, to decide, to be, to have opinions, have fun, learn, experience, to be autonomous, to be intimate, to be fulfilled and to love. Within every person’s capacity (power) is the ability to do research and to decide things for oneself, to worship, pray, accept, reject, remain free of abusive relationships and to create and enjoy safe relationships.

Every act of manipulation, of cruelty, of “over-functioning ” and of “under functioning ” is the denial of the power of another or of others.

People, for various reasons, will try to burst your balloon, boost your balloon, take your balloon, give you their balloon or render your balloon insignificant. Resist such acts from others and resist doing them. Care for your balloon only; leave others to the divine task of caring for and nurturing their own balloon. This is not selfish. Think of how selfish it is to say to someone, “Here, let me take away your power from you,” or, “Here, I do not want to take care of my own life but you have to do it.”

Not even God will take your balloon from you. Your balloon is God-given to you for your care and nurture. (God has God’s own balloon to care for). The power for you to be fully human is yours and that power should be offered to no one under any circumstances and the position of exercising power over our own lives should never be abdicated except in extreme situations of medical emergencies.

Every baby and child has his own balloon to be respected as much as the balloon of every adult. This, of course, does not mean that babies should be caring for themselves or that children must be given their every whim. Reaching such a conclusion is to misunderstand the concept of what it means to have personal power. The art of parenting a baby, of nurturing children involves respecting and nurturing their sense of personal power.

Parenting is exercising the kinds of discipline and care that do not diminish a child’s self-worth or distort their capacity to discern and appreciate the power that is their birthright. Anything less is to “spoil and child.” It is to “spoil” their capacity to see and know themselves with accurate personal assessment.

“I am 30. I have been with my boyfriend for 13 years. We have four children and are not married. For some reason I have stayed. My boyfriend acts like he has a problem with commitment. Every time I ask he says it will happen. He has such a nasty attitude. He recently started a new job but he hasn’t had a job in two years. Every time I say I can’t do this anymore he says all I want to do is run back to my mother. I woke up one morning to take kids to school and the car was gone. I thought the car was stolen. I’m getting dressed and he pops up and tells me he took a loan out on the car and they came and got the car. Do you agree when I say it is time for him to be a man on his own? I’m leaving. We don’t have a car and I have to walk my children to school because of his stupidity.” (Edited)

This is not about a car, your mother, or love. It takes two people to become this entangled and irresponsible. Do what is right and courageous for your four children before they repeat this destructive, sad pattern.

not intentionally embarrass you in private or in public

do all he or she can to avoid scornful comments, hurtful humor, and sarcasm

listen attentively to you even if he/she has heard what you are saying many times

stand up for you when you are right

stand up to you when you are not right

refuse to be a pushover

not offer you blind or unquestioned support. He or she knows that unquestioned support is a form of idiocy and no indication of love. Love invites questioning and dialogue

be unafraid to ask you tough questions

not try to cut you off from your community of family and friends

not tell you how to dress, speak, think, or feel

give you regular, uninterrupted, opportunities for eye-to-eye contact so you have time to each reflect upon your lives. This is time without phones, television, radio, music, pagers, computers, or children invading the holy territory between you

regard both your unshared and your shared private lives with absolute respect

expect and encourage you to have a life outside of the life you share.

“My wife left me for a man she dated when she was fifteen. They were in love. The children still stay with her. I chose to exit like a gentleman. I still helped; was still dad. It was tough on me in the early days but it got better. My wife on the other hand is in a living hell. She is really off balance. The man has no job; he’s unfaithful and left another woman with a ten-month-old child. My ex wife has lost her luster the last time I saw her she looked very stressed. She’s up all night checking his phone and crying. My daughters tell me she looks like a zombie under mind control. Her dream has turned into a nightmare. Life is funny. I have become a better father. I am truly happy. My children and I enjoy life. The last time my ex I told her that I forgave her and that she needs to forgive herself.” (Edited)

Your response to your ex-wife and her complications appears gracious. A tough situation, which could have resulted in your becoming vengeful and angry, has resulted in your growth. You have demonstrated that the question is not “should I go or stay,” but HOW a person goes or stays.

“My husband hasn’t come right out and said he does not love me but for the last thirty years we rarely talk; we don’t go out, he says I’m boring and unattractive. He stopped having sex with me thirty years ago. He said it was too much work for so little. I feel like I’m a thorn in his side. I’ve been miserable all these years to the point where most of my friends don’t know I’m married. He says he didn’t like marriage so he just ignores it and me. We are like flat-dwellers: I have the upstairs and he has the downstairs. He is not gay or into porn. I have the only computer and the only phone in the house and they go where I go. He doesn’t go any where except the grocery store and doctors. He chooses to not have friends.”

It is easy to assume that is your husband who has the problem.

You have abdicated responsibility for your life to a man who is unwilling to handle it.

Take your future into your own hands. Stop blaming your husband for your failure to show up for yourself.

Friday challenge, inspiration, and thanks…..

The word “ubuntu” is bandied about even in the USA. While I have read what Bishop Tutu says about it, and while I am very familiar with the spirit of Ubuntu, I challenge readers to write a 195-word non-fiction event in their lives where they saw ubuntu in action. Please keep to the word limit. Please refrain from using abbreviated or “text” language. I delete almost all mail that is in “text” style. The best “ubuntu” story will win a R200 gift card to Exclusive Books. I am the sole judge! You have a week to submit your story.

My quote of the week comes from Clint Morck of Durban: “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.” Thanks, Clint. You inspired and amused me.

If the South African Receiver Services (SARS) is anything like the USA tax services then it is impersonal, rigid, and humorless. This is not my experience. During this past week, a man whom I only know as Akesh demonstrated that there is reasonableness where and when it is least expected. Akesh helped me, via my sister, to do the impossible, and this brief acknowledgment is to thank him indeed. I now have a SARS tax number!