March 23, 2011
by Rod Smith
1. Enriched is the woman who does not lose herself to her marriage or motherhood. She has a strong spirit of independence while being a loving wife and mother.
2. Enriched is the woman who does not accommodate poor manners (being taken for granted or being victimized) from anyone (not husband, children, in-laws, siblings, or her parents).
3. Enriched is the woman who lives above manipulation, domination, and intimidation. Her relationships are pure and open; her boundaries are defined, secure, and strong.
4. Enriched is the woman who does not participate in unwanted sexual activity. She honors her body as her private temple and shares it, even in marriage, only by her own deliberate choice.
5. Enriched is the woman who has developed a strong, clear, identity. She regularly articulates who she is, what she wants, and what she will and will not do. She is unafraid of defining herself.
6. Enriched is the woman who knows that pursuing her dreams to be educated, to work, to accomplish much, to expect much from her life, are profound acts of partnership in marriage and profound acts of mothering. She knows that the woman who “takes up her life” does more for herself, her husband, and her children than the one who surrenders it.
Posted in Adolescence, Anxiety, Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Family Systems Theory, Leadership, Listening, Living together, Love, Parenting/Children, Re-marriage, Responsive people, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Single parenting, Therapeutic Process, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood |
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March 22, 2011
by Rod Smith
“My sister and her husband constantly belittle our lives. We, my husband and I, are not as wealthy, we are not as successful in our careers, but at least we are 100% honest. While they are not blatantly dishonest they do make their living in questionable ways that and it pays them very well. The point is that my husband is now disinclined to spend time with my extended family. Do I speak up or just suffer in silence? Do I insist my husband joins me at family events or do I go alone and make an excuse for him?”
Suffer in silence? Never. Speak up? Of course you speak up. I’d suggest you gently tell both your sister and her husband (together) your truth. Tell them whether they are able to hear you or not. Since their “questionable” pursuits are none of your business, I’d suggest they are not worth mentioning.
Attend any family event you want whether your husband wants to go or not. Don’t push him. Don’t determine his level of involvement with your family or allow him to determine yours. If anyone wants to know where he is or why he is not with you suggest that person ask your husband his or her questions directly.
Posted in Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Family Systems Theory, High maintenance relationships, In-laws, Triangles, Voice, Womanhood |
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March 21, 2011
by Rod Smith
Two families met in my office with the young girl (12) who was at the center of their conflict. Dad and his new wife, mom and her new husband, with both biological parents insisting they wanted primary custody of the child. In earlier meetings dad and mom had shared (without the other parent or the daughter present) how the other parent was irresponsible, uncaring, and unfit for anything more than visits.
Getting everyone in the same room (new spouses and child included) was no walk in the park but I insisted and the families ultimately agreed.
Having established that neither parent was the demon the other portrayed and that both step parents were invested in the wellbeing of the daughter whom all were now co-parenting, I risked asking the child to stand in the center of the room.
I requested mom and step-dad pull the child by the right arm while dad and stepmother pulled her left so we could see who could pull harder and “win” the daughter in the tug-of war.
“You are a cruel man,” said the dad, as the daughter cried and the illustration hit home.
“Not really,” I replied, “I’m simply showing you what you both do to her every weekend of her life.”
Posted in Blended families, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Family, Family Systems Theory |
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March 20, 2011
by Rod Smith
Many a relationship suffer:
1. When being right (or correct, moral, and accurate) is so important, so insisted upon, by one of the parties, that it is at the expense of being loving. A healthy person can sometimes sacrifice the need to be right with the understanding that being loving trumps being right.
2. When anxiety and love are confused. “I am anxious about you” is a far cry from “I love you.” They are not the same thing. Anxious people often believe true love necessitates worry. “How will he know I love him if I don’t worry about him?” is the plea of the anxious partner or parent. A healthy person understands that his or her anxiety is not an indication of love and therefore works toward reducing anxiety in his or her life lest it do its destructive work.
3. When love and control become synonymous. “If you love me you will dress (speak, think, see, hear) according to my will,” says the controller, “or I will question your love for me.” Healthy love insists upon and celebrates freedom.
4. When love means “melting” into each other, giving up individual identity in the name of love. “We’re so close we even think each others thoughts,” proclaims the unhealthy couple. Healthy love elevates separateness, space and individuality.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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March 16, 2011
by Rod Smith
“My mother and I agreed to go with whatever you suggest. She says I am too young to have a boyfriend. I say I am not. I am 15. He (17) lives near me and it would be easy for me to see him without her knowing. My mother and I have been very close. I want to keep it that way. Please tell us what to do. If you say I am too young what age is not too young?”
I have known 30-year-olds who are too “young” to date, and I’ve met the occasional teenager who was more ready for marriage than some who were on their third spouse.
Nonetheless, I will not side with you or your mother. This is a matter for the two of you to address.
I am a newspaper columnist. I live on the other side of the world from you. It is unlikely we will ever meet. Your mother, on the other hand, has loved you from your beginnings. She has probably nurtured you through thick and thin and it is likely that she knows you at least as well as she knows herself.
Negotiating with your mother, and then ultimately obeying and pleasing her, will do far more for you and your relationships than anything you will ever read from me.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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March 15, 2011
by Rod Smith
Should I leave? Should I stay? Should I tell her? Should I this? Should I that?
These questions flood my email, often hidden in letters loaded with painstaking details of hard, devastated lives depicting complex, entangled, situations.
They are the cries for a formula from desperate readers who want to know what is the right thing to do; men and women aching for some degree of happiness and fulfillment – often aching to do the right thing, especially for the children.
Often there are no right or wrong answers but more helpful or less helpful ways to respond to difficult situations.
How trumps what. It’s not whether a person should stay or go – it is HOW staying or going is done that will determine if the choice was a good choice or not.
Staying or going, respectful behavior, kindness, honoring others, even in the toughest circumstances will prove the decision to be helpful or unhelpful.
When going is the decision, everything, even divorce, child custody issues, financial settlements, can be expedited respectfully, kindly, and honorably.
How do I know? I’ve seen people handle these very issues with firmness, grace, and kindness – even in the midst of the pain accompanying all loss or change.
Posted in Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
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March 14, 2011
by Rod Smith
If things are going well or going poorly, if it is at work, at home, or at play, here are a dozen Golden Principles to improve the milieu wherever you are:
1. Take responsibility only for your own actions and allow others the joy and privilege of doing the same.
2. Speak only for yourself and for your young children, and allow all others (usually your children who are twelve and above) to do the same. Of course there are exceptions – this is a broad principle.
3. Show up for yourself – express what you want, what you do not want, both with the understanding you may get neither.
4. Listen more than you talk.
5. Affirm others (help build reputations) rather than destroy others by spreading negativity.
6. Strive for agreement, harmony, and even consensus, but don’t let all future action be crippled if you are met with disagreement, disharmony, and a lack of consensus. I am all for negotiation, but there are times when the search for agreement or harmony or consensus is a form of sabotage. Sometimes, it is not. Wisdom is knowing the difference.
7. Hold empathy as a hope worthy of pursuit, but embrace challenge and adventure as absolute necessities. There are enough boring people in the world, don’t be one of them.
8. Define yourself, not others. Think only for yourself – I did not say think only “of” yourself.
9. Avoid gossip and those who gossip.
10. Do what is right even when it is not popular.
11. Pray, even if you don’t believe in God – the act alone is good for you.
12. Forgive.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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March 13, 2011
by Rod Smith
“You seem to think that ‘unplanned pregnancies’ should not be terminated and that it is OK for someone to ‘go it alone’. Please take over the financing of the third pregnancy of my ‘host child’ from Child Welfare? She has been told to accept that in her culture the men will run around and have many girlfriends and children. The new boyfriend says his granny will take over the baby once it is born if it can be proved to be his. So in six months is get the DNA tests done, or else you might have to carry on paying for this child as well as the other two. In the meantime she is very expensive. The children do not eat porridge or soup as it gives them diarrhea! The school to which she wants to send them is the one featured in our papers as having 150 children in one classroom and she will need you to pay for them as well as make up to her for lost income. There are the dental extractions she needs that the hospital apparently refuses to do, so you will have to pay privately. I can’t afford this pregnancy and hope that you can.” (Edited)
The issues you and your “daughter” share have nothing to do with money.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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March 12, 2011
by Rod Smith
Parents can build an environment that is conducive to a healthy childhood by providing a tone and an experience for the child that is warm, encouraging, and accepting.
This context will include:
1. Validation for the child. A place where the child is heard, respected, and encouraged. The child also learns, of course, to validate and respect others.
2. Fun and laughter, fantasy and intrigue, at the expense of no one. (A joke is not funny unless everyone thinks it is.)
3. A set of standards and norms already in operation before the child needs them. We don’t make up the rules as we go along.
4. An atmosphere conducive to telling the child anything in an age-appropriate manner.
5. Age-appropriate responsibilities to help the home to function.
6. An atmosphere where the natural and reasonable consequences of a child’s behavior are allowed to develop.
7. An atmosphere where the child is increasingly aware that he is the major participant in his own success.
8. An atmosphere where the child is expected to be no more and no less than his age.
9. Healthy adults (warm, understanding, and non-possessive people) other than parents, with whom the child spends time.
Posted in Difficult Relationships |
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March 11, 2011
by Rod Smith
Pain is an inevitable result of almost all divorce and hardly anyone in a family escapes it. The enduring stress, the separation period preceding the divorce, the event itself, and the process of adjustment, all impact family members.
When divorce is regarded as a process, and not an event, the impact is likely to be somewhat eased.
Out of the ruins of a broken marriage people do not easily embrace such principles. These are goals to work toward. Doing so is likely to ease the impact of divorce upon the children.
It is worthwhile noting that remaining (unhappily) married is often easier than becoming (happily) divorced.
Assuming no violence has occurred, the following attitudes expressed by the adults will allow for the best outcome when two adults divorce :
1. We will discuss the divorce with you, together, on a regular basis.
2. We are divorced but remain your parents.
3. It is our divorce, not yours. The implications affect everybody, but it remains our divorce.
4. We were once happy as husband and wife and you were born out of our love. We found parenting to be rich and rewarding. (Ignore if not true).
5. We will always help and protect you and cooperate with each other concerning you.
6. You have done nothing to cause our divorce and nothing you do will restore our marriage.
7. We will not destroy each other (verbally or in any manner) but will rather choose to honor and respect each other.
8. We will not use you as a go-between your parents, or as the rope in a tug-of-war, or as a commodity for child-support.
9. When you face inevitable choices, we will clearly communicate with you about your options. When this is impossible, we will tell you why it is impossible.
10. When choices cannot be made easier we will do all we can to make them clearer. We will honor and hear your voice in all choices pertaining to you and when and if it impossible to do so, we will let you know why. Hearing you (and each other) does not mean agreeing or giving you what you want. Divorce makes some things beyond the control of even the most loving and reasonable and powerful people.
11. We will support each others’ values and rules and will try to establish a similar atmosphere in each home.
12. We both want you to do well in life. Our failure at marriage does not mean you will fail at life.
13. We cannot predict the future, but we will both talk about it with you as we see it developing. You will have as much information as possible about your family and about yourself.
14. You will have as much power over your life as is age appropriate. Sometimes the divorce will feel more powerful than each of us alone and all of us together.
15. You will be able to visit both extended families. Your extended family will be as helpful to you about our divorce as we are. They are also committed to speaking only well of each of your parents. (Ignore if untrue. Let this be a goal).
16. You have permission to embrace any person each parent might include in his or her life. Accepting and loving a stepparent will not be regarded as disloyalty. You might even choose to call that person mother or father without our resistance.
17. All the adults (step and biological parents) will regularly meet to discuss matters relating to you.
18. We will try to lessen the amount of travel between homes so that you might be as settled as possible.
19. Failure at any venture on your part is not because of the divorce. Many people have had divorced parents and have made successes of their lives.
(One person commented: “If I we could have done all that we’d still be married.” I repeat, these are goals, broad ideas for which to strive to make into a reality.)
Posted in Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Difficult Relationships, Divorce |
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